IC Inbox

[vrdantwind]

"Hey, this is Claude! Pretty sure I'm doing this correctly. You can leave me a message here, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you soon~."

Comments

[vrdantwind]

I just said I could have Basque use Sleep Powder on him! That only sounds heinous if you interpret it heinously.

[He lets that silence settle easily between them. As much of a chatterbox as he can be, he doesn't feel the need to talk all the time. And he likes being out in nature. It's frigid right now, granted, which isn't ideal, but aside from the temperature it's still pleasant to be out and about. More so to be traveling with friends in such a peaceful environment. He can't remember the last time he could just go on a walk with people he's fond of, with nothing significant on the line.]

Well, there's a few things that interest me if we can spot them in the forest past Azalea...but until then, I hadn't seen anything we're predicted to potentially see that really caught my eye. And with how little money I have from the holiday shopping I've done, I'm trying to be pretty sparing with my Pokéballs.

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix nods.] I want to fill out a few gaps in my team's type spread at the cave, but until then there's only the new kind of cat that lives somewhere along this road.

[Ordinarily, Felix tries not to let anyone see him doting on cats, but since Varley was already with him when he arrived, there's little hope of that now. So he figures he might as well abandon the attempt while they're here and catch every cat he can find.]

[vrdantwind]

More cats, huh? [Claude shoots Felix a sidelong smile - and while there's obviously a teasing element, there's a look of genuine fondness in his eye. There's just something very cute and fitting about Felix and cats getting along.] They suit you.

[bestswordmaster]

Yes, more cats. Is that a problem? They're the only animal that's tolerable. In our world, anyway.

[Inexplicably defensive as he is over this, he can't help feeling that 'they suit you' is a compliment coming from Claude, and he flushes faintly.] We have an understanding, that's all. If you see a little pink cat with a weird, puffy tail, tell me.

[vrdantwind]

Is that one of the pokémon you're hoping to catch? [Claude grins, lacing his hands behind his head.] I'll keep an eye out for it, don't worry.

[bestswordmaster]

Yes. It is. Quit making fun of me.

[He blinks, seeing Claude adopt this pose. It's so familiar, so classic Sylvain, that he almost does a double take.]

Do you walk like that all the time?

[vrdantwind]

Do you seriously think I'm making fun of you every time I smile? [It certainly only makes Claude's grin wider.

It fades into mild surprise at that question, and he glances over at Felix.] What, like this? [He jerks his head slightly to indicate his arms.] Sure, a decent amount. I don't just do it when I'm walking, though. It's always been kind of a habit. Why?

[Claude and Sylvain probably haven't spent enough time around each other to discover all the little similarities in their mannerisms yet.]

[bestswordmaster]

Not every time. [He shoots Claude a look that says 'I see that grin you're wearing.']

Yes, like that. You look like Sylvain. He's been doing that for years.

[vrdantwind]

Well, you sure complain about a lot of false positives, then! [He winks.] Half the time you object, I'm not making fun of you at all.

[At the mention of looking like Sylvain, Claude blinks.] Really? I always figured people just considered us similar in personality, but...you're saying we even have some of the same tics? Huh. Maybe that's part of what Ingrid was talking about, too.

[bestswordmaster]

Then what is that infuriating grin for? And what about the other half of the time?

[Wait, other people have said Claude was similar to Sylvain? The thought makes Felix feel...something, he doesn't know what.] You're not that similar. You're the one who said I was treating superficial similarities as more substantial than they are.

[His brow furrows.] Ingrid? What did she say?

[vrdantwind]

Are you suggesting I have non-infuriating grins, Felix? [Claude bats his eyelashes.] I'm flattered~. But maybe it didn't mean anything! Maybe sometimes I'm just aggravating and there's no specific reason for it.

As for me and Sylvain...we do have a lot in common, but we're also plenty different. It probably depends on what you're looking at, and how deeply you're looking. But I wouldn't say all our similarities are totally superficial, even if plenty of them aren't necessarily that deep, either.

As for Ingrid...well, she didn't say which of her 'close friends' I reminded her of by name. [He chuckles.] But she mentioned it was someone who causes her tons of trouble and doesn't treat the opposite gender well, so let's just say it didn't take a genius to put two and two together, y'know? It was cute that she left him a little plausible deniability...but she didn't leave him very much. [He runs his hand through his hair, grimacing.] As for what she said...ugh. She didn't really go into how I reminded her of him. I don't think she even realized it at first; it took awhile. Plenty of time for me to get a whole bunch of vicious lectures from her...you know, one time she yelled at me for going to bed too early at night? And then accused me of not getting up early in the morning, even though I do actually get up early? She saw me as being so similar to Sylvain that she decided I must have the same habits as him, even when she had no idea what I was actually like.

She did sort of apologize after awhile, once she realized she was taking out her frustration with him on someone who reminded her of him, but...well, let's just say that the lectures never actually stopped. Too ingrained in her, I guess. Is she like that with everyone, or just people who are a little too Sylvain-esque?

[bestswordmaster]

You're always aggravating. Doing it for no reason is even more annoying.

[He listens to Claude's experiences with Ingrid thoughtfully, frowning a little.] Not everyone, but Dimitri and I have endured plenty of her lectures, too. Even the other Lions weren't always immune. She's set in her ways. But she usually isn't vicious, not even with Sylvain. ...not even when I lashed out at her and said some things I shouldn't have.

[vrdantwind]

I thought it'd be relieving! It's not always about making fun of you!

[The subject of Ingrid returns him to a slightly more sober mindset.] Anyway, I don't think I'd call her vicious herself, but the lectures sure were. That said, I think a lot of it was more...context? I mean, you guys grew up with her, she probably knows the three of you down to your bones. And when she gives you a stern lecture, you know it's because she knows you and she cares about you. But...imagine someone who barely knows you, who's barely even tried to get to know you, came up and started lecturing you the way she does. And that some of the things she's complaining about aren't even accurate? But she just says you're lying when you contradict her!

It wouldn't feel like that person cares about you and wants the best for you. It wouldn't even feel like that person knows you. It'd feel like getting a tongue-lashing from a total stranger who's decided your flaws are somehow their business, except they're not even your flaws. They're someone else's. It's someone else deciding they know who you are and what you're like for you, based on a completely different person, and by the way, they hate it. And they want to make the fact that they hate who they've decided you are your problem.

[...huh. Claude's starting to wonder if maybe the stuff that happened with Ingrid bothered him more than he thought at the time. There's an unpleasant feeling welling up as he talks about it.]

[bestswordmaster]

How is being aggravating supposed to be any kind of relief? Tch.

[Felix is frowning more by the time Claude finishes explaining.] That's extreme even for her. You must have struck a nerve somehow. She might be irritating, but she doesn't lecture for nothing.

Or maybe she liked you. Her expectations are... [Felix shrugs, fixing his gaze on the path ahead instead of on Claude.] She was engaged to my brother. And he was the perfect knight. If she was interested in you, maybe she was holding you to an impossible standard set by a dead man.

[vrdantwind]

I really don't know what I did...we'd barely even had anything to do with each other when the lectures first started.

[At the suggestion that Ingrid might like him, Claude's eyebrows shoot up practically to his hairline.] Don't you mean she liked Sylvain? I mean...he's the one she thought I was like. And she never really got to know anything about me beyond her Sylvain-based assumptions...

Uh, personally speaking, though, if that's how she treats people she likes...hoo boy, no thanks! I think the only nice things she ever had to say about me were that I talked to her more nicely than Sylvain, that I don't treat women badly like Sylvain, and that I'm reliable when it really matters. And all that together sounds like a decent amount, but two of those were just direct comparisons to Sylvain and that's still only three things next to...quite a lot of her chewing my ear off.

Sorry, I know she's a close friend of yours, and I'm sure she's probably a lot more charming with other people, but...well, I can't tell if she thinks I'm someone else, or just wishes I was. But anything she likes or hates about me doesn't seem to have much to do with me at all, really.

[He glances sidelong at Felix.] Anyway...if your brother could live up to whatever standards she has, they can't be impossible. Someone managed them, obviously. The impossibility comes in when we want one person to become someone else. Or when someone dies, and we let our grief and reverence, and their legacy, overshadow the reality of who they were and what they did. It's easy to forget the flaws and embellish the accomplishments of the dead.

[bestswordmaster]

I'm sure she thought your behavior was inappropriate for a leader. I always thought you seemed irresponsible back then, too, but you weren't my leader, so I didn't care. I suppose I wouldn't be that surprised if she got fed up with her inability to change Sylvain and took it out on you because taking it out on him accomplished nothing.

[Felix's brow furrows.] She is my friend. But she's been trying to live someone else's life ever since my brother died. Idolizing the idea of self-sacrifice to justify his death as anything but tragic. Just like everyone else. The only 'accomplishment' of his they care about is the final one. Ingrid always thought she could fill the hole he left in our lives by following in his footsteps and trying to get all of us to do the same. It's appalling.

So whether she was berating you for not being the leader she thought you should have been or the version of Sylvain she wanted him to be, or just not living up to some ideal she decided you should, I don't know. You wouldn't be the first one she used as a stand-in for someone else.

[Some part of Felix feels like he's said far too much, but somehow Claude makes it seem easy to just...talk. Much easier than usual.]

[vrdantwind]

Oh, yeah, that was definitely the tone of at least one of her lectures. "Why don't you set a better example", "don't you think it's shameful for a leader to be so slovenly", that sort of thing. I still don't get that. Maybe my leadership is unorthodox, but has it ever actually been lacking? The only time you could really suggest it failed back then that Ingrid would've ever even seen was the Battle of the Eagle and Lion, when we lost, but...frankly, blaming that on my bad leadership instead of crediting your guys' and Teach's efforts would feel kind of questionable. Plus she never got on Edelgard's case for her failures of leadership that I know of, so - what? Does Ingrid seriously care more about the style of leadership than the results?...I mean, I guess that'd be kind of typical for someone from Faerghus, but man.

[A beat.] I'm not saying anything bad about people from Faerghus, mind you. But I think of all three countries, Faerghus is probably the one most deeply invested in knights and nobility and courtliness and all that stuff, so if anyone was going to prioritize how someone acts over the results of their actions, it wouldn't be unexpected for that mindset to come from the Kingdom.

[He glances at Felix.] You're an obvious exception, of course, from everything you're saying...and, y'know, your attitude in general. And if how people venerated the knightly nobility of how your brother died as though the duty meant more than the death...well, if that's not the cause of the difference, I bet it played a big part in it, huh?

[bestswordmaster]

[Felix glances back in return and the more he talks, the more it seems he's spitting the words out.] Hmph. Go ahead and say whatever you want, it's all true. The Kingdom's nobility cares more about appearances and lofty ideals and their own egos than doing anything for the people or thinking for themselves. They didn't mourn my brother. They applauded him for dying the right kind of death. And that includes Ingrid, and my father. I feel sick just thinking about it.

Watch me bullshit Almyran worldbuilding!

[vrdantwind]

Hmm. [Claude folds his arms behind his head again, looking up at the sky.] You know, I was reading a book about Almyra once...it talked about how, in Almyra, after every battle, win or lose, there's a big feast. Those who are still living celebrate the people who are gone, and in a sense celebrate for them, too. Apparently in Almyra, there's an emphasis on both living well, and dying well. But it's not because Almyrans have any stuffy customs or ideas of noble sacrifice or anything like that; I'm sure you know that Almyra and Faerghus would have practically nothing in common. I don't think they even believe in an afterlife. There's just a sort of cultural belief that you should live your life to the fullest - and that everyone dies eventually, so that when a person does die, they should try to make it meaningful. Should try to accomplish something on their way out. Helping to win a battle, fighting a worthy foe, protecting something - or someone - important. Because people don't live forever, but their actions can leave a lasting impact on the world.

It's weird, how two cultures so totally different could be kind of similar at the same time. I wonder if you'd hate the Almyran way of looking at things just as much because of how it's similar, or if there's enough different about it that you'd prefer that way of looking at things.

Either way, though...I think in the end, they're both just different cultural ways of dealing with grief. I don't know if there's any objectively right or wrong ways to mourn the loss of someone important to you...but I do know it's possible to hurt someone who's already grieving, whether you mean to or not. Like, if someone is surrounded by people who all seem to be drawing some kind of meaning, finding some silver lining, in something that feels senseless and utterly bleak to them. Not only would somebody like that be in mourning, they'd feel totally isolated...and like the loss they've suffered is being turned into other people's inspirational message.

[bestswordmaster]

Why would anyone celebrate losing a battle? That makes no sense. [Felix shakes his head.] That doesn't sound much better. Look, I'm grateful that my brother was able to save Dimitri's life, but the fact that he died doing it was a tragic necessity, not some great and glorious accomplishment. [Did Claude know that was specifically how Glenn died? Felix doesn't know, and doesn't really care at this point.]

There's no situation in which it would be better to die than to live if you could achieve the same thing either way. If you're dead, you can't protect anyone or win anything. Seeking a 'meaningful' death is just another way of glorifying sacrifice.

[It's uncanny, this ability Claude has to hit nails on the head from a mile away. It's like he digs into Felix's mind, pulls out the thoughts, and arranges them with clear words instead of muddled feelings. Felix doesn't much like it, but at least it means that Claude understands...at least a little. Which...isn't so bad.]

[vrdantwind]

[Felix certainly never told Claude, but Claude definitely found out. The Tragedy was a major historical and political event, and it directly affected some of Claude's classmates; of course he sought out details.]

I wouldn't say it was some great and glorious accomplishment, so much as it says a lot about the kind of man your brother was that his dying act was to protect the people he could - especially a kid. That's worth respecting. [Claude shakes his head.] But you're right - obviously it would've been vastly more ideal if he could have accomplished it and survived. The dying wasn't what made his actions admirable. But considering what happened in the Tragedy...that the knights who fought there managed to keep anyone alive at all, never mind themselves, is pretty miraculous. I think it's possible to mourn those deaths and respect what their dying actions managed to accomplish against all odds at the same time.

But sometimes, especially when you're close to someone...nothing could ever make losing them any less awful. No matter how admirable their final moments might have been, or what their actions might have accomplished. I can't say I blame people who're grieving for trying to find meaning in those things, if it makes them feel any better, but...one man's medicine is another man's poison, and obviously that kind of thinking just made the pain worse for you.

[bestswordmaster]

Obviously I respect the decision he made. He was doing his job and it was about more than just Dimitri's survival. Without an heir the whole Kingdom would have been in even more shambles than it is, and I'm sure that was the point.

[Felix scowls.] But my father was a stubborn fool who never looked beyond his pride that Glenn died according to some backwards chivalric ideal that turns lives into symbols. The same ideal Ingrid is so dead set on dedicating her life to. It'll be her death as well. The day my brother's armor came home without a body, the first thing my father said was that he 'died like a true knight.' And he never changed his tune. I blame him for that.

[vrdantwind]

I mean, I obviously can't speak for your father or Ingrid. But I have to ask...the line between respecting Glenn's determination to protect Dimitri, whether as a kid or the future king or both, and the line between veneration of some chivalric sacrifice...it's a pretty fine one, isn't it? [Claude glances at him.] Are you sure it's the latter they're all wrapped up in, and not the former? Who knows, maybe they think the strength and integrity he had, to do what he did, came from those knightly ideals.

[He looks up at the sky again.] Although I could definitely understand being angry if you think that robs Glenn of the credit he deserves for being a good and honorable man at his core, and that his being a knight didn't have a whole lot to do with it. If you think he would've made the exact same calls and fought and died for what he knew was right, whether he was a knight or just a civilian bystander. Then it might feel like people are crediting the wrong thing - that they're just focusing on the fact that he was a knight and acting as though that's what made him admirable. It implies that to be a knight is to be admirable, as though it's not a person's own qualities that define them.

[bestswordmaster]

Now who's letting a dead man's legacy overshadow the reality of who he was? [Felix's voice drips acid, suddenly.] You don't 'have to ask,' actually. You just want to have a debate over it.

But you're right, you can't speak for my father or Ingrid, or any of the other pompous nobles I grew up around who wanted me to unquestioningly devote my life to their pernicious notions of blind loyalty and faith. Adherence to a system that venerates inheritance over the people who inherit. So yes, they absolutely believe that to be a knight is to be admirable for its own sake.

And yes, my brother would have done what he knew was right regardless of any hoary legends perpetuated by the Church. He taught me to think for myself and never accept other people's beliefs as my own. He was a knight because he understood what it really meant to be one and made that decision for himself. Not because he was following in anyone's footsteps, or doing a 'noble's duty.' There's a bigger difference than you think.

[vrdantwind]

[Claude holds up his hands in surrender.] I didn't want a debate about it, really, Felix. Like you said, I don't even know enough to have one! I just figured this is a pretty sensitive topic for you...and I also know that, especially when you're angry, you tend to jump to conclusions. So I just wanted to make sure you'd looked at things from more than one point of view, all right?

But if you have, and you're still certain that the distinction is there and you know on what side of it they fall, I'm not going to contradict you. I can't, really. You know way more about this than me.

I'm just...sorry you have to deal with that. Knighthood isn't really worth anything by itself - its only value is in the ideals behind it. Things like loyalty, and compassion, and protecting the vulnerable. And those ideals can be practiced by anyone, not just knights. So glorifying knighthood itself as though it's synonymous with or somehow the source of those ideals...it's pretty ridiculous.

In a way, it kind of reminds me of Lorenz. He was always so proud of his nobility, talking it up, going on about his duties because of what he'd decided being a noble means and requires...as though there aren't plenty of selfish, cowardly nobles out there who don't exhibit a single quality he always said 'defines' nobility. As though he only did good things himself because he's a noble and that's what he's decided is required of nobles. He was just romanticizing his own station. And what you're describing...it's basically just people romanticizing a job. A job you know can end in some pretty horrific and tragic consequences that aren't at all romantic or glorious. It's just people seeing what they want to see, not what's really there.