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[vrdantwind]

"Hey, this is Claude! Pretty sure I'm doing this correctly. You can leave me a message here, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you soon~."

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[nastyboy]

There is nothing less than sheer relief on Dimitri's face when Grant speaks up before he or Claude can even try. Somehow, with all of them working together... This mess feels as though it's surmountable.

...so he's maybe a little concerned, and showing it, when Claude hints to be alone with Felix. He blinks down at him, brows furrowed, before he slowly loosens his grip around him.

"If you would like," he says, looking to Claude, and then up at Felix.

[bestswordmaster]

Grant's immediate refusal startles Felix visibly. Claude's response is a bit more reassuring, but the uneasiness is back on his face again soon after. Why do he and Claude need Dimitri's permission to talk privately? What the hell is happening? He tries hard not to get defensive, not to let his hackles rise.

"Yes, I would. Especially after whatever that was just now."

[woofdad]

Whatever that was just now. Well, that's enough in itself to get another probably-unwanted apology rising in Grant's throat.

So, instead, he nods, just once, and steps out of the room, around Felix, pressing close to the edge of the doorway to keep himself taking up as little space as possible.

[nastyboy]

Well. That answers that. Dimitri squeezes Claude's arm one more time before he pulls away from him. But... He doesn't leave the room immediately. Instead, he stops in the doorway right there before Felix, and reaches out to take his hand.

"He's hurting," he says quietly. "He's scared and worried about Sylvain. You are the only one who can make him better, Felix, so please - take care. Be gentle. He's feeling... on the outside again. If you love him like I know you do, please remember that."

He has nothing more to say, frankly. This is something meant for Claude and Felix to discuss. He has no place, not yet, and so he steps outside along with Grant.

[bestswordmaster]

Felix lets Dimitri have his hand, but the more the other man talks, the more concerned Felix gets. Claude, scared? Logically, he knows that has to happen sometime, everyone's afraid of something, but...Felix has never seen Claude look afraid.

And he has no idea why he of all people would be the only one who could help. That doesn't seem right, especially if it requires taking care and being gentle. Dimitri knows how terrible Felix is at those things. But for Claude, he'll...try.

He gives Dimitri a minute nod. "All right."

Once the other two have gone, Felix closes the door behind him and looks around. The several very large Pokemon in the room seem to stare him down, and his instinct to stare right back flares up in his chest, but he pushes it down. He doesn't want to pick a fight with Claude's beloved companions.

Finally, his gaze settles on Claude. "Can I...um. Dimitri said I could help." With what, he's still not sure.

[vrdantwind]

[Ah. There's a flicker of emotion on Claude's face that passes too quickly to identify; had it lasted long enough, though, Felix could have seen it for the grimace it was. For Claude to have been unable to help Felix - for, in fact, his help to be actively unwelcome - only for Felix to be told to help him instead...it feels like his failure's being underlined in red pen.]

I'll be fine. Besides, that's not what you came here for, is it? [He forces a smile, this time with more success. Maybe some part of him knows he can sell it better when Dimitri isn't hovering over him with a worried look on his face, and Grant shooting him concerned glances.] Or were you going to keep me in suspense about what you wanted?

[bestswordmaster]

Frustration kindles like slowly simmering water in Felix’s gut. He frowns. “It’s not, but only because I didn’t know there was anything to help with.” But maybe, he thinks, asking what he came to ask will help.

“I was going to ask if...” It sounds pathetic to his ears now that he’s saying it out loud, but Claude himself was the one who asked him once what was more important—his pride or someone he loved. So he presses on. “If you wanted to come and sleep in our room. With me. With...us.”

[vrdantwind]

If Claude looks as though that's the last thing he'd expected to hear, that's because it is. It takes him a moment to even process the idea of what it is Felix is really suggesting(marginally complicated by the confusion of Felix asking him; he'd thought Felix was angry with him and didn't want him around. Why ask Claude? Dimitri had been right there - but perhaps Dimitri isn't close enough to being a Sylvain substitute).

But when it really sinks in...he realizes what a bad idea it is. On multiple levels. The most significant level, however, is that Sylvain's lack of responsiveness - Claude's not sure if the feeling it provokes in him is horror or grief, or if perhaps there's no real distinction between the two. But the feeling of lying with him on his and Felix's bed, wanting nothing more than to hear his voice or see him open his eyes or to be able to be held by him and being absolutely unable to have those things...in his own way, he can't handle that any better than Felix can. (Even if he doesn't quite realize that's a large part of the motive behind Felix's making this request of him.) In some ways, perhaps, he thinks he'd handle it worst. He's not sure he could keep his composure...and that's the last thing he wants Felix to see. Not only would that undercut every reassurance Claude had tried to offer by demonstrating how unsure Claude is in any of it, the struggle he has believing his own words, thereby making things worse for Felix...but what right does he have to lose it like that? Felix hasn't broken down, and he's Sylvain's fiance. Felix - all of the others - have frankly endured far worse losses than Claude ever has. And Claude can't even hold it together when his boyfriend goes to sleep for a week or so? Felix is the one who should have to take care of him when Felix's fiance is unconscious?

It's selfish. It's pathetic. And if anyone would think that, would be made angry by it...it'd be Felix. (And, the back of Claude's mind whispers, literally any Almyran. This should be nothing for him, and he's falling apart.)

"I can't," he says, the refusal spilling out of him without even the time to figure out how to pretty it up. But maybe there is no way to pretty it up. What excuse could he come up with that'd be good enough? That wouldn't make Felix just as angry as a flat rejection?

[bestswordmaster]

Claude's shocked look doesn't help with the feeling that he's missed something important and no one's telling him what it is. Why would he be so surprised? Felix spent a bunch of nights sleeping in Claude's room when Sylvain was out of town, what's the difference?

The answer to the question sheds no light, either.

"What do you mean, you can't?" Not that he doesn't want to, but that he can't? What does that mean? That sinking feeling of dread trickles back into his chest, chilly as a mountain stream.

"I don't understand anything that's happened since Grant opened the door. Tell me what's going on."

[vrdantwind]

Claude doesn't usually want to run away from conversations; that's more Felix's things. But he wishes he could get away from this one. He has no idea how to answer Felix's question, how to explain anything, without revealing the very same things he feared sleeping beside Sylvain would reveal. And even if he felt up to coming up with a lie, he doesn't think he could sell it. What is he supposed to do here?

He averts his gaze from Felix. "I don't...know why you're asking me. You told me to get out earlier. Why didn't you ask Dimitri?"

[bestswordmaster]

Felix blinks at him, eyes widening a little. Seeing Claude like this seems...wrong. Under other circumstances he'd be furious at whoever put that uncertain and despondent look on a face that's usually so full of confidence and hope and life. Claude's eyes without their sparkle hardly look like Claude's eyes at all.

"What? I didn't ask Dimitri because I wanted to ask you. You're--" But then he frowns. Wait a second. "Is that what this is all about? I--"

Take care, Dimitri said. Be gentle. His gaze drifts elsewhere, too.

"...I'm sorry, Claude. I just...couldn't handle talking, this morning. Or afternoon, or...whenever that was."

[vrdantwind]

"I know." And he had. Claude had always known that, really - that Felix was just lashing out, that he wasn't really that angry - or, if he was, then it wasn't really at Claude. He'd said as much from the first. He'd never blamed Felix, or been angry with him himself.

Maybe that's why the apology doesn't make him feel that much better. The problem was always the hurt, never the intent, and accidental injuries don't heal any faster than deliberate ones. But Claude feels almost frustrated with himself that the apology doesn't just fix things. What more does he want from Felix? What more is it fair to even ask for? He doesn't even think it's fair for Felix to have to comfort him right now, so why is he letting things shape up into being like that?

The fact is that he feels locked up, somehow. Like a clock with a jam in its mechanisms. He can't even figure out exactly what's out of alignment(besides Sylvain being unconscious, but he was able to try to push through that earlier, wasn't he?), but it seems like nothing's going to work as it should until he does.

"I still can't, though. Sorry." And he hates himself for it. He hasn't been this helpless, this useless, since he was a little kid, and he'd learned even back then that there was no point to misery - only action to address it. So why is it all failing him now? Why is he paralyzed like this?

[bestswordmaster]

"Oh."

Well, Claude sure did explain nothing. And Felix is used to that, but not like this.

"And you...don't want to tell me why."

It's something he's been worried about for a while now, the idea that while Claude is glad to coax genuine and hidden feelings out of Felix to make him feel better, he doesn't ever want Felix to do it in return. He can't remember a time when Claude has allowed him to reverse their roles. Probably because he knows how bad Felix would be at consoling him, and...well, he can't blame Claude for that.

Okay, so the reason Claude doesn't want to tell him is pretty obvious, in retrospect. Who would ever choose Felix as someone to turn to for comfort?

It doesn't sound like you're sorry, is what's on the tip of Felix's tongue. It sounds like you don't want to talk to me at all, which is extremely confusing given that Grant practically yelled at me to stay. Make up your mind.

He bites his tongue so those words don't come out. "I still don't understand. Dimitri told me I was the only one who could...make this better. I'm not surprised that he was wrong. But you just told me not to leave, so I didn't."

[vrdantwind]

"I thought maybe you wanted something, and that this time maybe I could actually help you." Claude runs a hand through his hair. "But if you wouldn't even give me the chance to know what it was...not that it mattered. I can't do anything now, either."

He crosses his arms over his chest. He still hasn't looked at Felix. "I don't know exactly what Dimitri said, but this isn't something you should have to make better. Sylvain's your fiance. Him being asleep and all that comes with that...it's harder on you than anyone. You shouldn't have to put how much you're hurting on hold to help me deal with things I shouldn't be falling apart over in the first place, especially when I haven't been able to do you any good."

Well, if nothing else, this is more communicative.

[bestswordmaster]

...what?

"That's ridiculous."

Shit. He rubs his face.

"No, I--sorry. What I mean is...why wouldn't I want to help you? You help me all the time. You help everyone. That's why I asked you instead of Dimitri. I...trust you, with this sort of thing. Just because I couldn't handle it earlier doesn't mean you're not doing me any good, Claude. That makes no sense."

He shakes his head. "I've had all day and night to wallow and isolate myself like an idiot. Jinx had to practically drag me outside before I felt like...like me, again. And right now, you seem like you're not feeling like yourself, either. You love Sylvain, too. Why wouldn't this affect you? So no, of course I don't have to be here, but I want to be."

[vrdantwind]

"I never said you didn't want to help me," Claude says, finally glancing at Felix sidelong. "I said you shouldn't have to. I shouldn't need help dealing with something that's got to be worse for you, especially from you. It's like asking for first aid for a stubbed toe from someone with a broken leg." He sighs then, rubbing a hand over his face. "No, that's...that's insulting to Sylvain. What's happening with him is serious for all of us, and I don't want to imply it's not just as serious to me as to you. But however much it might hurt me, I know it's hurting you worse. But I'm the one who said everything would be fine, didn't I? I ought to be able to act like it."

Then his eyes slide off again. "But you don't have to try to make me feel better about being helpful. You can't go any farther in the direction of being useless than trying to comfort someone only to make things so much worse that they frankly don't want you to be there at all." For a second, his voice cracks, and to cover it up Claude swallows quickly against it and keeps talking, as if to cover the sound with more sound. "You didn't start feeling remotely better until Jinx did something, and you literally just said so, so...c'mon, Felix, please don't treat me like I'm stupid."

[bestswordmaster]

"Stop telling me what I 'shouldn't have' to do and what I do or don't want." One hand clenches briefly into a fist, despite his efforts to stay calm. "You're talking like you've already decided how both of us 'should' be reacting and neither of us is living up to your expectations. That's not how it works, Claude. You feel what you feel and so do I. I don't understand why you're comparing us like this. I don't need to put anything aside to commiserate with someone else who cares about Sylvain."

Then he blinks; a flash of hurt passes over his face. "You didn't make anything worse. I was already a damn wreck. You just happened to be the one who tried to talk to me first. Do you seriously think I would try to placate you just to soothe your ego? Or that I think you of all people are stupid?"

He can almost see Dimitri's disappointed face in his mind's eye. Dammit, why can't he be nicer? He takes a slow breath and lets it out.

"Yes, I did say that. Because Jinx didn't arrive until after I'd finally gotten out of bed and spent hours trying to tire myself out. And I told her to leave too. Multiple times. She just didn't listen to me. I didn't want anyone there, and that wasn't because of anything you said. It was because I'm...whatever I am, I don't know."

[vrdantwind]

"It's just..." Claude lets out a breath of frustration. "Neither of us can control how we feel, I know that. But I've never had trouble keeping it together before, no matter how I felt. And it's stupid that I can't. Sylvain's - fine. He's going to be fine. I know that, so why am I still a mess?"

The difference between Felix and Claude is both that Claude tends to have much greater emotional self-control than Felix - meaning that his losing his cool is a much more disturbing and significant event - and also that Claude's usually able to put the logical and the pragmatic ahead of the emotional. In short, Felix's reactions have been expected and forgivable; Claude's, to him, haven't been either.

Felix's questions - accusations? - make Claude run his hands through his hair again; it's losing its smoothness, becoming more of a curly mess. "I don't...know what I think." If there's ever been a louder alarm bell than those words coming out of Claude von Riegan's mouth, its toll would signal the end of days. "Nothing's made sense since earlier, and it feels like everything I've done since has been wrong...and I was missing things even before that, wasn't I? I didn't know Sylvain was hurting...I never even got the chance to do anything about it. And then you were hurting and you kicked me out, and maybe I should've stayed if that was all it took to help - but I don't think I could've made myself, even if I'd known it could. What the hell's wrong with me?"

[bestswordmaster]

Felix stares at him, his unease growing with each word. It's no longer because he's confused--it's because this is all too familiar. He comes closer and reaches for both of Claude's hands; he'll take them if he's allowed, and if further allowed, he'll sit down with Claude on the bed.

"First of all, you didn't miss anything that I didn't. Sylvain didn't tell me and I didn't notice, either. The only reason I knew at all was because of those stupid messenger Pokemon the other day. And then like an idiot I ran off on my own for a whole day before I could talk to Sylvain about it. He always thinks he should put up with being miserable to please other people. But then he resents himself for putting up with it." Felix looks down. "He thought I wouldn't respect him if he stopped fighting. That's what the card said. And he thought Dimitri would be disappointed in him if he stopped traveling."

"Anyway, nothing's wrong with you. What you're talking about...it sounds a lot like how I felt when I thought we'd lost Dimitri. And when Glenn and my father died. And this morning, and every time Sylvain does something reckless on the battlefield. I hate it, too, but it happens anyway."

[vrdantwind]

Claude doesn't resist; if anything, he seems to relax a little at Felix's touch, letting himself be drawn down onto the bed. (Sturm and Sicily quickly shift to make room for them.) Felix's words unwind him just a little bit more; he closes his eyes. "So that's why...I was wondering why you guys hadn't told us. Even making plans to get Sylvain a place to stay..."

He opens his eyes again when Felix mentions what Sylvain had been afraid of. "Have you ever cared about him fighting beyond making sure he's able to keep himself alive?" he asks, in the tone of voice of someone who's baffled Sylvain ever thought otherwise. That alone might be unintentional but deep reassurance to Felix; Claude, who can read him so well - but who also hasn't known him for nearly as long as Sylvain - knows that the only reason Felix ever even bothered Sylvain about training was out of worry for Sylvain's well-being, never because he'd wanted him to have to fight. (Well, beyond sparring for fun. Felix will spar with anyone for fun who'll stand still long enough to be challenged.) "And Dimitri would do anything at all to make Sylvain happy. No amount of missing having Sylvain always with us would matter to Dimitri more than Sylvain being comfortable."

Claude's brain may be foggy, but it's not that foggy. Sylvain's worries were a product of his own insecurity, and never anything based on what was real or likely. (That Claude has been suffering from a similar problem today is not something he can recognize quite yet.)

He exhales at Felix's diagnosis. "I've never lost anyone before," he murmurs. "No one I was really close to, anyway. And my schemes are usually good enough that I haven't come all that close, even in battle...not that the Alliance saw a whole lot of open battle the past five years anyway, other than Derdriu." He shakes his head. "But I'm - we're not losing Sylvain. We know what's going on. So why am I still such a mess?"

[bestswordmaster]

Felix huffs a little at his own expense. "Calling it a 'plan' is generous. All I did was insist that we'd do it. But it won't just be for Sylvain--it will be for all of us."

His expression sours as he shakes his head. "No, I haven't. I don't know why he can't see that. I keep telling him to stop needlessly putting himself in danger, but..." He trails off. This conversation isn't about them, it's about Claude.

"Because you feel helpless." Felix says this with certainty. "You have no control over what happens to him and it's terrifying. You feel like you should be doing something, but there's nothing to do. Neither my strength nor your schemes can fix this, or prevent it from happening to anyone else."

He lets go of one of Claude's hands to put an arm around him instead, sliding a bit closer. "This is the part where many people would pray, because they're content putting their fates and the fates of others in the hands of some distant power. But I don't think you're any more inclined to such a thing than I am, even if any gods we recognized existed here."

[vrdantwind]

Claude leans against Felix, closing his eyes. "We don't believe in the Goddess in Almyra," he murmurs. "She never really bothered with anyone or anything outside of Fodlan, and as far as I can tell, no one outside of Fodlan had any reason to care about her in turn. If anything, people back then might've resented her for only caring about one place in all the world...but that's just speculation, really. But it was a little awkward to go to school in the heart of the Church of Seiros as a non-believer, pretending I was one..."

He exhales slowly. "Even if I was inclined to believe in some higher power, though, I don't think I'd want to trust something as important as Sylvain's wellbeing to some external power. You're right - I'd rather be able to do something for him myself. But I can't." One of his hands curls into a fist. "And he's just - lying there. I could go a week without seeing him just fine if I knew he was just traveling, or staying somewhere, or doing his own thing somewhere else, but...having him right here with us and not being able to see his eyes, hear his voice...it feels so much worse than just being away from him. I can't stand it, but I can't fix it. Part of me wants to be there with him, and part of me is pretty sure I'll fall apart if I am. And I can't afford to do that."

[bestswordmaster]

Felix lets go of Claude's other hand now, too, so he can gently comb his fingers through the mess that the other man has made of his hair, as they talk. It's good, he thinks, that some idle speculation works its way into the conversation. It makes Claude sound more like himself, which means his mind is working again. That's a good sign.

"Hm. I'm sure it didn't help that prayers and choir practice were mandatory. Or that holy knights wandered around everywhere armed to the teeth."

Felix looks down at nothing and nods along. There's a part of him that's relieved to know that Claude trusts Felix enough to talk about these things; that the trust isn't just one-sided. But the way Claude describes the way he feels hits home so hard that he can feel tension building behind his eyes and in his throat. Dammit, not now...

"Me too." It's not a response to any one thing, just all of it in general. "But why can't you afford that?"

[vrdantwind]

Talking to Felix about this really is helping. Realizing that Felix already understood, that he's not really having that much different of a reaction from the others, and Felix helping him to put words to it - it's made it easier to talk about, less something to hide or be ashamed of. Though it's more than that, really; Dimitri and Grant had been helping him a lot, too. But...he'd needed it from Felix specifically. Dimitri had been right. Not because Felix is any more special than the others, necessarily, but because Felix had been the one Claude had felt rejected by, and useless to. Because Felix had been the one Claude thought would scorn his feeling this way, when Claude feels as if Felix is the one who has more right to these emotions than he does. Because Felix is the one who looks down on emotions and vulnerability so much that he's the one Claude felt as though would have no patience for his - perhaps because of Felix's unintentional similarity, in many ways, to Almyran warriors.

(Granted, Felix's standards on emotions and vulnerability usually only apply to himself. But Claude hasn't yet had many chances to see how he reacts to it in others - or in Claude himself, specifically.)

Dimitri and Grant had helped Claude as much as they could, but they couldn't have reassured any of his doubts or fears in regards to Felix. That had been something only Felix could do. And, likely to the surprise of everyone, not least of which is Felix himself...he kind of has.

That doesn't mean every reservation on Claude has loosed its grip, though.

"I can't afford it because I can't hold things together if I'm breaking down." Claude sighs at the fingers through his hair. This is honestly more tender than he can ever remember Felix being with him, and he won't deny it feels good. "That's more important now than ever, and I'm the best at it out of all of us. Mediating things with you and Sylvain, dealing with Dimitri and Grant's low self-esteem, keeping people's spirits up, talking sense into them...you know what I'm talking about. I'm practically always doing something like that. But if I let myself fall apart...I can't do any of that. Sylvain can do some of it, too, but...he's not around to do it right now. It's just me. Who's going to make things better if I don't?"

That last question...well, Claude's lived his life by that question for a long time.

[bestswordmaster]

"So you still feel as though you have a responsibility, even here." It's quiet. "You and Dimitri have that in common--always taking responsibility onto your shoulders even when you don't have to. I suppose I'm not surprised. You are both kings."

Felix shakes his head. "Maybe no one will. Maybe things just don't get better for a while. We learn to live with it and move on. At least here, the stakes are low. It's not a matter of life or death if you drop the ball for a few days. Just don't get so lost in it that you can't find your way back. Don't get so wrapped up in the assumption that it's all your responsibility that you shut everyone out."