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[vrdantwind]

"Hey, this is Claude! Pretty sure I'm doing this correctly. You can leave me a message here, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you soon~."

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[bestswordmaster]

Felix blinks at him, eyes widening a little. Seeing Claude like this seems...wrong. Under other circumstances he'd be furious at whoever put that uncertain and despondent look on a face that's usually so full of confidence and hope and life. Claude's eyes without their sparkle hardly look like Claude's eyes at all.

"What? I didn't ask Dimitri because I wanted to ask you. You're--" But then he frowns. Wait a second. "Is that what this is all about? I--"

Take care, Dimitri said. Be gentle. His gaze drifts elsewhere, too.

"...I'm sorry, Claude. I just...couldn't handle talking, this morning. Or afternoon, or...whenever that was."

[vrdantwind]

"I know." And he had. Claude had always known that, really - that Felix was just lashing out, that he wasn't really that angry - or, if he was, then it wasn't really at Claude. He'd said as much from the first. He'd never blamed Felix, or been angry with him himself.

Maybe that's why the apology doesn't make him feel that much better. The problem was always the hurt, never the intent, and accidental injuries don't heal any faster than deliberate ones. But Claude feels almost frustrated with himself that the apology doesn't just fix things. What more does he want from Felix? What more is it fair to even ask for? He doesn't even think it's fair for Felix to have to comfort him right now, so why is he letting things shape up into being like that?

The fact is that he feels locked up, somehow. Like a clock with a jam in its mechanisms. He can't even figure out exactly what's out of alignment(besides Sylvain being unconscious, but he was able to try to push through that earlier, wasn't he?), but it seems like nothing's going to work as it should until he does.

"I still can't, though. Sorry." And he hates himself for it. He hasn't been this helpless, this useless, since he was a little kid, and he'd learned even back then that there was no point to misery - only action to address it. So why is it all failing him now? Why is he paralyzed like this?

[bestswordmaster]

"Oh."

Well, Claude sure did explain nothing. And Felix is used to that, but not like this.

"And you...don't want to tell me why."

It's something he's been worried about for a while now, the idea that while Claude is glad to coax genuine and hidden feelings out of Felix to make him feel better, he doesn't ever want Felix to do it in return. He can't remember a time when Claude has allowed him to reverse their roles. Probably because he knows how bad Felix would be at consoling him, and...well, he can't blame Claude for that.

Okay, so the reason Claude doesn't want to tell him is pretty obvious, in retrospect. Who would ever choose Felix as someone to turn to for comfort?

It doesn't sound like you're sorry, is what's on the tip of Felix's tongue. It sounds like you don't want to talk to me at all, which is extremely confusing given that Grant practically yelled at me to stay. Make up your mind.

He bites his tongue so those words don't come out. "I still don't understand. Dimitri told me I was the only one who could...make this better. I'm not surprised that he was wrong. But you just told me not to leave, so I didn't."

[vrdantwind]

"I thought maybe you wanted something, and that this time maybe I could actually help you." Claude runs a hand through his hair. "But if you wouldn't even give me the chance to know what it was...not that it mattered. I can't do anything now, either."

He crosses his arms over his chest. He still hasn't looked at Felix. "I don't know exactly what Dimitri said, but this isn't something you should have to make better. Sylvain's your fiance. Him being asleep and all that comes with that...it's harder on you than anyone. You shouldn't have to put how much you're hurting on hold to help me deal with things I shouldn't be falling apart over in the first place, especially when I haven't been able to do you any good."

Well, if nothing else, this is more communicative.

[bestswordmaster]

...what?

"That's ridiculous."

Shit. He rubs his face.

"No, I--sorry. What I mean is...why wouldn't I want to help you? You help me all the time. You help everyone. That's why I asked you instead of Dimitri. I...trust you, with this sort of thing. Just because I couldn't handle it earlier doesn't mean you're not doing me any good, Claude. That makes no sense."

He shakes his head. "I've had all day and night to wallow and isolate myself like an idiot. Jinx had to practically drag me outside before I felt like...like me, again. And right now, you seem like you're not feeling like yourself, either. You love Sylvain, too. Why wouldn't this affect you? So no, of course I don't have to be here, but I want to be."

[vrdantwind]

"I never said you didn't want to help me," Claude says, finally glancing at Felix sidelong. "I said you shouldn't have to. I shouldn't need help dealing with something that's got to be worse for you, especially from you. It's like asking for first aid for a stubbed toe from someone with a broken leg." He sighs then, rubbing a hand over his face. "No, that's...that's insulting to Sylvain. What's happening with him is serious for all of us, and I don't want to imply it's not just as serious to me as to you. But however much it might hurt me, I know it's hurting you worse. But I'm the one who said everything would be fine, didn't I? I ought to be able to act like it."

Then his eyes slide off again. "But you don't have to try to make me feel better about being helpful. You can't go any farther in the direction of being useless than trying to comfort someone only to make things so much worse that they frankly don't want you to be there at all." For a second, his voice cracks, and to cover it up Claude swallows quickly against it and keeps talking, as if to cover the sound with more sound. "You didn't start feeling remotely better until Jinx did something, and you literally just said so, so...c'mon, Felix, please don't treat me like I'm stupid."

[bestswordmaster]

"Stop telling me what I 'shouldn't have' to do and what I do or don't want." One hand clenches briefly into a fist, despite his efforts to stay calm. "You're talking like you've already decided how both of us 'should' be reacting and neither of us is living up to your expectations. That's not how it works, Claude. You feel what you feel and so do I. I don't understand why you're comparing us like this. I don't need to put anything aside to commiserate with someone else who cares about Sylvain."

Then he blinks; a flash of hurt passes over his face. "You didn't make anything worse. I was already a damn wreck. You just happened to be the one who tried to talk to me first. Do you seriously think I would try to placate you just to soothe your ego? Or that I think you of all people are stupid?"

He can almost see Dimitri's disappointed face in his mind's eye. Dammit, why can't he be nicer? He takes a slow breath and lets it out.

"Yes, I did say that. Because Jinx didn't arrive until after I'd finally gotten out of bed and spent hours trying to tire myself out. And I told her to leave too. Multiple times. She just didn't listen to me. I didn't want anyone there, and that wasn't because of anything you said. It was because I'm...whatever I am, I don't know."

[vrdantwind]

"It's just..." Claude lets out a breath of frustration. "Neither of us can control how we feel, I know that. But I've never had trouble keeping it together before, no matter how I felt. And it's stupid that I can't. Sylvain's - fine. He's going to be fine. I know that, so why am I still a mess?"

The difference between Felix and Claude is both that Claude tends to have much greater emotional self-control than Felix - meaning that his losing his cool is a much more disturbing and significant event - and also that Claude's usually able to put the logical and the pragmatic ahead of the emotional. In short, Felix's reactions have been expected and forgivable; Claude's, to him, haven't been either.

Felix's questions - accusations? - make Claude run his hands through his hair again; it's losing its smoothness, becoming more of a curly mess. "I don't...know what I think." If there's ever been a louder alarm bell than those words coming out of Claude von Riegan's mouth, its toll would signal the end of days. "Nothing's made sense since earlier, and it feels like everything I've done since has been wrong...and I was missing things even before that, wasn't I? I didn't know Sylvain was hurting...I never even got the chance to do anything about it. And then you were hurting and you kicked me out, and maybe I should've stayed if that was all it took to help - but I don't think I could've made myself, even if I'd known it could. What the hell's wrong with me?"

[bestswordmaster]

Felix stares at him, his unease growing with each word. It's no longer because he's confused--it's because this is all too familiar. He comes closer and reaches for both of Claude's hands; he'll take them if he's allowed, and if further allowed, he'll sit down with Claude on the bed.

"First of all, you didn't miss anything that I didn't. Sylvain didn't tell me and I didn't notice, either. The only reason I knew at all was because of those stupid messenger Pokemon the other day. And then like an idiot I ran off on my own for a whole day before I could talk to Sylvain about it. He always thinks he should put up with being miserable to please other people. But then he resents himself for putting up with it." Felix looks down. "He thought I wouldn't respect him if he stopped fighting. That's what the card said. And he thought Dimitri would be disappointed in him if he stopped traveling."

"Anyway, nothing's wrong with you. What you're talking about...it sounds a lot like how I felt when I thought we'd lost Dimitri. And when Glenn and my father died. And this morning, and every time Sylvain does something reckless on the battlefield. I hate it, too, but it happens anyway."

[vrdantwind]

Claude doesn't resist; if anything, he seems to relax a little at Felix's touch, letting himself be drawn down onto the bed. (Sturm and Sicily quickly shift to make room for them.) Felix's words unwind him just a little bit more; he closes his eyes. "So that's why...I was wondering why you guys hadn't told us. Even making plans to get Sylvain a place to stay..."

He opens his eyes again when Felix mentions what Sylvain had been afraid of. "Have you ever cared about him fighting beyond making sure he's able to keep himself alive?" he asks, in the tone of voice of someone who's baffled Sylvain ever thought otherwise. That alone might be unintentional but deep reassurance to Felix; Claude, who can read him so well - but who also hasn't known him for nearly as long as Sylvain - knows that the only reason Felix ever even bothered Sylvain about training was out of worry for Sylvain's well-being, never because he'd wanted him to have to fight. (Well, beyond sparring for fun. Felix will spar with anyone for fun who'll stand still long enough to be challenged.) "And Dimitri would do anything at all to make Sylvain happy. No amount of missing having Sylvain always with us would matter to Dimitri more than Sylvain being comfortable."

Claude's brain may be foggy, but it's not that foggy. Sylvain's worries were a product of his own insecurity, and never anything based on what was real or likely. (That Claude has been suffering from a similar problem today is not something he can recognize quite yet.)

He exhales at Felix's diagnosis. "I've never lost anyone before," he murmurs. "No one I was really close to, anyway. And my schemes are usually good enough that I haven't come all that close, even in battle...not that the Alliance saw a whole lot of open battle the past five years anyway, other than Derdriu." He shakes his head. "But I'm - we're not losing Sylvain. We know what's going on. So why am I still such a mess?"

[bestswordmaster]

Felix huffs a little at his own expense. "Calling it a 'plan' is generous. All I did was insist that we'd do it. But it won't just be for Sylvain--it will be for all of us."

His expression sours as he shakes his head. "No, I haven't. I don't know why he can't see that. I keep telling him to stop needlessly putting himself in danger, but..." He trails off. This conversation isn't about them, it's about Claude.

"Because you feel helpless." Felix says this with certainty. "You have no control over what happens to him and it's terrifying. You feel like you should be doing something, but there's nothing to do. Neither my strength nor your schemes can fix this, or prevent it from happening to anyone else."

He lets go of one of Claude's hands to put an arm around him instead, sliding a bit closer. "This is the part where many people would pray, because they're content putting their fates and the fates of others in the hands of some distant power. But I don't think you're any more inclined to such a thing than I am, even if any gods we recognized existed here."

[vrdantwind]

Claude leans against Felix, closing his eyes. "We don't believe in the Goddess in Almyra," he murmurs. "She never really bothered with anyone or anything outside of Fodlan, and as far as I can tell, no one outside of Fodlan had any reason to care about her in turn. If anything, people back then might've resented her for only caring about one place in all the world...but that's just speculation, really. But it was a little awkward to go to school in the heart of the Church of Seiros as a non-believer, pretending I was one..."

He exhales slowly. "Even if I was inclined to believe in some higher power, though, I don't think I'd want to trust something as important as Sylvain's wellbeing to some external power. You're right - I'd rather be able to do something for him myself. But I can't." One of his hands curls into a fist. "And he's just - lying there. I could go a week without seeing him just fine if I knew he was just traveling, or staying somewhere, or doing his own thing somewhere else, but...having him right here with us and not being able to see his eyes, hear his voice...it feels so much worse than just being away from him. I can't stand it, but I can't fix it. Part of me wants to be there with him, and part of me is pretty sure I'll fall apart if I am. And I can't afford to do that."

[bestswordmaster]

Felix lets go of Claude's other hand now, too, so he can gently comb his fingers through the mess that the other man has made of his hair, as they talk. It's good, he thinks, that some idle speculation works its way into the conversation. It makes Claude sound more like himself, which means his mind is working again. That's a good sign.

"Hm. I'm sure it didn't help that prayers and choir practice were mandatory. Or that holy knights wandered around everywhere armed to the teeth."

Felix looks down at nothing and nods along. There's a part of him that's relieved to know that Claude trusts Felix enough to talk about these things; that the trust isn't just one-sided. But the way Claude describes the way he feels hits home so hard that he can feel tension building behind his eyes and in his throat. Dammit, not now...

"Me too." It's not a response to any one thing, just all of it in general. "But why can't you afford that?"

[vrdantwind]

Talking to Felix about this really is helping. Realizing that Felix already understood, that he's not really having that much different of a reaction from the others, and Felix helping him to put words to it - it's made it easier to talk about, less something to hide or be ashamed of. Though it's more than that, really; Dimitri and Grant had been helping him a lot, too. But...he'd needed it from Felix specifically. Dimitri had been right. Not because Felix is any more special than the others, necessarily, but because Felix had been the one Claude had felt rejected by, and useless to. Because Felix had been the one Claude thought would scorn his feeling this way, when Claude feels as if Felix is the one who has more right to these emotions than he does. Because Felix is the one who looks down on emotions and vulnerability so much that he's the one Claude felt as though would have no patience for his - perhaps because of Felix's unintentional similarity, in many ways, to Almyran warriors.

(Granted, Felix's standards on emotions and vulnerability usually only apply to himself. But Claude hasn't yet had many chances to see how he reacts to it in others - or in Claude himself, specifically.)

Dimitri and Grant had helped Claude as much as they could, but they couldn't have reassured any of his doubts or fears in regards to Felix. That had been something only Felix could do. And, likely to the surprise of everyone, not least of which is Felix himself...he kind of has.

That doesn't mean every reservation on Claude has loosed its grip, though.

"I can't afford it because I can't hold things together if I'm breaking down." Claude sighs at the fingers through his hair. This is honestly more tender than he can ever remember Felix being with him, and he won't deny it feels good. "That's more important now than ever, and I'm the best at it out of all of us. Mediating things with you and Sylvain, dealing with Dimitri and Grant's low self-esteem, keeping people's spirits up, talking sense into them...you know what I'm talking about. I'm practically always doing something like that. But if I let myself fall apart...I can't do any of that. Sylvain can do some of it, too, but...he's not around to do it right now. It's just me. Who's going to make things better if I don't?"

That last question...well, Claude's lived his life by that question for a long time.

[bestswordmaster]

"So you still feel as though you have a responsibility, even here." It's quiet. "You and Dimitri have that in common--always taking responsibility onto your shoulders even when you don't have to. I suppose I'm not surprised. You are both kings."

Felix shakes his head. "Maybe no one will. Maybe things just don't get better for a while. We learn to live with it and move on. At least here, the stakes are low. It's not a matter of life or death if you drop the ball for a few days. Just don't get so lost in it that you can't find your way back. Don't get so wrapped up in the assumption that it's all your responsibility that you shut everyone out."

[vrdantwind]

"It's not just that I feel like I have to - although I kind of do." Claude finally lifts his head to look at Felix directly. "I also want to, for...well, the same reasons I feel like I have to. I don't think anyone else could do as good of a job as I can. I think it's fair to say I get you guys, right? How's anyone who doesn't understand you all as well as I do supposed to help you with things as well as I can? And you all mean too much to me to just...let someone else come in and do a bad job. Like someone who doesn't stop Sylvain from using jokes that tear himself down, or who doesn't know how to help you share things, or who doesn't know how to distract Dimitri when he's starting to beat himself up again, or who doesn't know how to help Grant relax.

"What am I supposed to do? Let those things go undone? Let someone else do them badly because I'm not up to it? I can't. I won't. It's too important. You guys are too important." He shakes his head. "And I don't consider you guys being miserable when I could do anything to help to be low stakes."

[bestswordmaster]

Felix listens, though as Claude seeks eye contact, he shies away from it, as is his wont. And the more he listens, the more he frowns; the more he feels...manipulated. Looked down on. But...this is Claude. He loves and respects them...right?

Doesn't he?

A weird hollow feeling settles in his chest as he shifts, turning to face Claude a little more and in the process push himself a little farther away. He narrows his eyes. When he speaks, his words come out slowly.

"I see. So when I talked to Sylvain about that card revealing his feelings to me, about me, I suppose I must have done a poor job. As Dimitri must have, when I spoke with him about my father's funeral. How would you know what I share with anyone else? Or what I say to Sylvain or Dimitri in private? ...is this really how you think of us? What exactly is it that you think you have to do?"

[vrdantwind]

Claude blinks at him for a moment. "What? No, that's - that's not what I meant." He runs a hand through his hair again. "I didn't mean I do a better job than you guys at talking to each other, or helping each other or anything. I meant that no one else can do what I do as well as I do. And a lot of what I do is help you guys. That's what I want to do.

"Even back when I wasn't all that close with Sylvain yet, and not close to you at all...when I realized you and Sylvain were hurting, that things had gone wrong for you guys, all I wanted to do was fix that. So I did everything I could to help. That hasn't really changed since. It's only gotten more important to me the more I've come to care about all of you. And at least until today, I thought I was pretty good at it. That I knew how to make you guys feel better when you were upset, get you to talk to me about things that were bothering you, help cheer you up...this is the first time I really haven't been able to make a dent."

He shakes his head. "I was never - factoring in how you guys do or don't help each other. I don't affect that. It's like...we're all support beams holding each other up. I wasn't saying I'm the only one any of you have; we all have more than one. I was saying if I'm kicked out from under you guys because I let myself fall apart, there's nobody else who could step in to hold things up half as well. And of all the times to leave you guys short a support, it shouldn't be when there's an extra heavy load. And that's exactly what me breaking down would mean. You'd have each other, but you'd still be down someone who was helping hold you up. And...well, there's no particularly tactful way to say this, but I feel like usually I'm in a better place mentally than any of you. Even if I had any good excuse to be the weak link right now, if I can't hold up, then how can you guys?"

[bestswordmaster]

Felix scowls. "We're not some...project for you to hone your people skills on, Claude. And we're not broken things that need fixing. Or weak links. Do you hear yourself?"

He wants to leave. He badly wants to storm out of the room and get away from the conclusion that seems more and more inevitable the more Claude talks. But no doubt Dimitri would accuse him of not being gentle enough.

Well, Felix may not be very gentle, but he has plenty of experience standing up to people who thought he needed to be fixed. And stand up he does.

"You say you've never lost anyone close to you before. You think the fact that we have makes us weak?"

[vrdantwind]

"No, that's not..." Claude drops his gaze. He's - ruining things. Everything is still going wrong, everything he says making things worse somehow. Only now, it's not his efforts to help that are wrong. It's how he thinks, what he feels, his very desire to help that's wrong. Felix thinks he's looking down on them for wanting to help them, and...is he? Maybe he is. At this point, how the hell would he even be able to tell? He's clearly in no state to judge.

"I wasn't trying to say any of that." But there's something defeated in his voice now. Nothing else has been good enough; why would this be?

[bestswordmaster]

"Then what are you saying?" Felix lowers his head and rubs his face with both hands, sitting back down again. His fingers slide up into his hair and he just sits that way, elbows resting on his knees, head resting in his hands. "Stop comparing us. Just because something hits you harder than usual, doesn't mean the rest of us are helpless. I don't understand what you're getting at. It sounds like you think you're more resilient than the rest of us and that makes it your job to fix every problem we have."

[vrdantwind]

Claude shakes his head slightly. His arms have slipped around himself, hands cupping his elbows. "At this point, I don't trust myself to say what I mean," he mutters. "Nothing's coming out right. I'm just making things worse."

They seem to have regressed to an earlier point in this conversation, with Claude as distressed and uncommunicative as before and saying the same sort of things he was saying about his attempt to comfort Felix earlier in the day.

"I just thought - everyone wants to fix the problems the people they care about are having. Don't they?"

Even though he thinks this must surely be the least contentious statement it's possible to make, he's still huddled in on himself, expecting it to somehow be wrong. He's surprised Felix hasn't already blown up and left, but it's just a matter of time at this point. One or two more missteps will be plenty. And then what? When is he going to find his feet enough to repair what he's managed to break?

[bestswordmaster]

Felix takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, pulling on his own hair in an attempt to get back in the saddle. Emotionally speaking. It's made a little easier by the relief he feels; Claude didn't mean the things it sounded like he meant. But Felix can't parse any of it. How does Claude usually do this?

No, he can't try to do things the Claude way. He'll just fail. He's not Claude. He's Felix. Words don't work.

He sits up and scoots back over to wrap his arms completely around Claude in a tight embrace.

"Yes. They do. I'm sorry. I just don't understand why you're so determined to take it all on yourself. Or why you think you're not supposed to feel just as much as the rest of us. It's just like you always tell me--I can't help if I don't know enough, right? And don't tell me I shouldn't be trying to help you, I'm doing it anyway, and you can't stop me."

[vrdantwind]

The embrace is as much a surprise as it is a relief; Felix wouldn't be hugging him if he was on the verge of storming out, so maybe things aren't as bad as Claude thought they were. He leans into the other man, closing his eyes against the sting behind him.

Knowing that Felix isn't ready to storm out with the next miscalculated thing he says...it makes him more willing to risk trying again.

"I'm not trying to take it all on," he murmurs. "Just...the same amount I always have. I can't just...suddenly stop helping you guys because I let myself fall apart. If you guys need my support, then I don't have that luxury. And if you're fine without it, like it makes no difference if I suddenly stop helping...then what was my help ever worth?" He exhales. "But - I know that's not the case. You guys have said I've helped, and I thought I had. So you can't tell me it's going to be fine if I just suddenly turn useless right when things are extra hard for everyone. I know that's not true."

He hesitates for a moment before he speaks. "As for why I'm not supposed to feel as much as the rest of you...it's because I'm Almyran. Even this much back home - I'd look pathetic. It wouldn't just make my people think less of me, it'd make me look like a weak and unfit king. It'd undermine my authority. It'd make me look more like a poor excuse of an Almyran than I already do to them, because Almyrans aren't like this. This wouldn't even slow down a real Almyran. And I can't afford to be...not Almyran enough. Not even just for appearances, or being able to feel like like I actually belong in the country I was born in, but because it just gives ammunition to the people who want to kill and supplant me as king. Which is a lot of Almyrans still. The weaker I look, the more danger I'm in. And I know I'm not in Almyra now, but - it's always with me. And even if it wasn't, I'm never going to live up to their standards if I just accept falling short of them because no Almyran is watching."

[bestswordmaster]

"I'm not telling you it's going to be fine. I'm telling you there's space in between 'we need you to be perfect' and 'you're of no use at all.'" Felix frowns, trying to figure out how to put this. "It's like...the beams. If the structure is built well, then when one support fails, the weight is redistributed among the others until that one can be repaired. So even though the structure is weaker than usual overall, it doesn't fall."

He hopes that makes sense. He's no architect, but it seems right to him.

But the rest...he falls silent until Claude is finished. Then, quietly, "...oh. You're training." It is a matter of life and death, just as much as it is for Felix on the training grounds. "I know it's not the same, but in our own ways, Dimitri and Sylvain and Ingrid and I have all felt that we weren't what Faerghus wanted us to be, either. But even Dimitri doesn't have to put up with the kind of pressure you describe."

His brow furrows. "But you can't erase how you feel. I know; I've tried. You've seen firsthand how well that's worked. I know you want to do something to help Sylvain and you can't, so you're trying to do something to help us instead. You've been through the same battlefield first aid training as I have--you know that you can't treat someone else's wounds until you stop yourself from bleeding out. All I'm asking you to do is figure out how to stop your own bleeding before you worry about ours, even if it's just for tonight."