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[vrdantwind]

"Hey, this is Claude! Pretty sure I'm doing this correctly. You can leave me a message here, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you soon~."

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[bestswordmaster]

Felix takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, pulling on his own hair in an attempt to get back in the saddle. Emotionally speaking. It's made a little easier by the relief he feels; Claude didn't mean the things it sounded like he meant. But Felix can't parse any of it. How does Claude usually do this?

No, he can't try to do things the Claude way. He'll just fail. He's not Claude. He's Felix. Words don't work.

He sits up and scoots back over to wrap his arms completely around Claude in a tight embrace.

"Yes. They do. I'm sorry. I just don't understand why you're so determined to take it all on yourself. Or why you think you're not supposed to feel just as much as the rest of us. It's just like you always tell me--I can't help if I don't know enough, right? And don't tell me I shouldn't be trying to help you, I'm doing it anyway, and you can't stop me."

[vrdantwind]

The embrace is as much a surprise as it is a relief; Felix wouldn't be hugging him if he was on the verge of storming out, so maybe things aren't as bad as Claude thought they were. He leans into the other man, closing his eyes against the sting behind him.

Knowing that Felix isn't ready to storm out with the next miscalculated thing he says...it makes him more willing to risk trying again.

"I'm not trying to take it all on," he murmurs. "Just...the same amount I always have. I can't just...suddenly stop helping you guys because I let myself fall apart. If you guys need my support, then I don't have that luxury. And if you're fine without it, like it makes no difference if I suddenly stop helping...then what was my help ever worth?" He exhales. "But - I know that's not the case. You guys have said I've helped, and I thought I had. So you can't tell me it's going to be fine if I just suddenly turn useless right when things are extra hard for everyone. I know that's not true."

He hesitates for a moment before he speaks. "As for why I'm not supposed to feel as much as the rest of you...it's because I'm Almyran. Even this much back home - I'd look pathetic. It wouldn't just make my people think less of me, it'd make me look like a weak and unfit king. It'd undermine my authority. It'd make me look more like a poor excuse of an Almyran than I already do to them, because Almyrans aren't like this. This wouldn't even slow down a real Almyran. And I can't afford to be...not Almyran enough. Not even just for appearances, or being able to feel like like I actually belong in the country I was born in, but because it just gives ammunition to the people who want to kill and supplant me as king. Which is a lot of Almyrans still. The weaker I look, the more danger I'm in. And I know I'm not in Almyra now, but - it's always with me. And even if it wasn't, I'm never going to live up to their standards if I just accept falling short of them because no Almyran is watching."

[bestswordmaster]

"I'm not telling you it's going to be fine. I'm telling you there's space in between 'we need you to be perfect' and 'you're of no use at all.'" Felix frowns, trying to figure out how to put this. "It's like...the beams. If the structure is built well, then when one support fails, the weight is redistributed among the others until that one can be repaired. So even though the structure is weaker than usual overall, it doesn't fall."

He hopes that makes sense. He's no architect, but it seems right to him.

But the rest...he falls silent until Claude is finished. Then, quietly, "...oh. You're training." It is a matter of life and death, just as much as it is for Felix on the training grounds. "I know it's not the same, but in our own ways, Dimitri and Sylvain and Ingrid and I have all felt that we weren't what Faerghus wanted us to be, either. But even Dimitri doesn't have to put up with the kind of pressure you describe."

His brow furrows. "But you can't erase how you feel. I know; I've tried. You've seen firsthand how well that's worked. I know you want to do something to help Sylvain and you can't, so you're trying to do something to help us instead. You've been through the same battlefield first aid training as I have--you know that you can't treat someone else's wounds until you stop yourself from bleeding out. All I'm asking you to do is figure out how to stop your own bleeding before you worry about ours, even if it's just for tonight."

[vrdantwind]

Claude sighs. "I remember awhile ago," he murmurs, "I was talking to Dimitri. I think it was when he tried to go swimming after Grindy. He was saying he should be able to fix his own problems, so he wouldn't be a burden to anyone else. I told him friendship doesn't work like that - that it's more comparable to leaning pieces of wood up against each other, and finding the delicate balance where their leaning on each other is actually what keeps both pieces upright. Mutual support, you know?" He shakes his head. "And I told him that's important to figure out, because he can't stand all on his own the way he could if he leaned on us...but that if he falls over completely, he can't help any of us. This feels like - I'm failing my own advice in that regard. But maybe it's because I wasn't thinking of more than two pieces of wood at a time."

He heaves another, deeper sigh. "But even if you guys can pick up my slack, and it's okay as far as that goes...I don't know how not to feel useless because of it. And I can't not know how many people would look at it, either - how short I'm falling. Even if I let myself fall apart, or just worry about myself first...I don't think I can not feel worthless if I do. So it just feels like...I'm just choosing what way I want to bleed, not that there's an option that'll help me stop I should be choosing."

[bestswordmaster]

"Hmph. You are failing your own advice. It was good advice."

Felix nods. "You're right. You will feel useless. So do I. If there were some way to avoid it, I'd have found it a long time ago. There isn't, so...we'll just have to feel useless together, until we get over it. Keep ourselves occupied." He rests his head against Claude's. "Sleep helps. ...I can stay here. If you want."

[vrdantwind]

"I didn't mean I was failing to take the lesson to heart." Claude cocks an eyebrow at him. "I meant...I feel like the failure I illustrated in that story. The person who's fallen down and can't help anyone else. Only I don't think I was trying to stand on my own that much...I was doing fine until now. I didn't even feel all that stressed until Dedue vanished and we had to help Dimitri through that, but it wasn't anything I couldn't have handled just fine. No more stressful than other things I've helped people through without a problem. So it feels like I've collapsed without doing anything that would've brought it on...and it's not like I love Sylvain any more than you or Dimitri do. So why am I the only one who can't hold it together now?"

He closes his eyes again when Felix rests their heads together. "No...I know you want to be with Sylvain. And he should have someone with him, even if there's no chance he's going to wake up this soon. I don't like the thought of just...leaving him alone. I'll come with you."

He's still not sure he'll be able to keep it together, seeing the upsetting unresponsiveness of Sylvain up close again. It's impossible not to desperately miss him when he's both right there and a million miles away. But...things being better between him and Felix makes Claude feel a little more up to trying. And whether or not he can...realizing how much it means to him for someone to be with Sylvain, keeping him company, feels like it's rearranged his priorities a little. That's more important to him than how he personally feels, or even what anyone in Almyra thinks of him. He wouldn't let any Almyran's opinion - or the opinions of everyone in Almyra - dictate what he did or how he treated Sylvain while the man was conscious; why should now be different?

[bestswordmaster]

"Because you're the only one this is new for." Felix shrugs. "It's a different kind of pain. The uncertainty makes it worse. You don't know what you're supposed to feel. I imagine that it must be particularly difficult for you--you're always trying to predict and plan."

Felix lifts his head and blinks. "...all right. Thank you. I'd prefer to be there with Inda, as well." He finally releases Claude and stands, offering him a hand.

[vrdantwind]

Claude sighs, smiling faintly. "I guess you might be right." He shakes his head. "You know, this feels like a reversal of how things normally go with us. You're helping me figure out my feelings instead of the other way around..." His soft gaze finds Felix's eyes. "Thank you, sunshine."

He takes Felix's hand, rising to his feet. "I should go let Dimitri and Grant know that I'm feeling better. Give me a sec?"

[bestswordmaster]

Those look more like the eyes Felix is used to seeing--still not exactly sparkling, but they seem to have regained some of their life, and even just that alongside the nickname is enough of a return to familiarity that it helps. He can't hold Claude's gaze for more than a couple of seconds, but he nods; everything is too raw for him to try to back away from this closeness now with excuses. "You're welcome. I wasn't sure I could, or that you would want me to try, so...I'm glad Dimitri was right."

He squeezes Claude's hand lightly. "All right. I'll wait--" In the other room, is what he was going to say, but maybe it's better if he and Claude go back into that room together. Besides, if Dimitri and Grant are still loitering out in the hall, Felix doesn't really want to have to talk to them. "--here."

[vrdantwind]

"He was. Some of the things I was worried about had to do with you, so nobody else could have reassured me." Claude moves past Felix, pausing to press a light kiss to his jaw as he passes. "And Dimitri knew you could. You ought to have more faith in yourself."

Then Claude slips out of the room, and Felix will hear faint murmuring just outside the door. However, he won't get long to pay attention to that (or consider eavesdropping) before he's distracted.

Arbiter, who's been looming large but silent this whole time, shifts in order to lean down, lightly resting his beak on Felix's shoulder. A red eye - eternally baleful by the nature of Corviknights, but somehow calm for now - blinks slowly at Felix, before Arbiter's head lifts again.

There's something...strangely formal about the gesture, somehow. It's almost reminiscent of the flat of a sword being laid atop one's shoulder in recognition of some great deed. It certainly seems to be some kind of odd gesture of benediction from one of Claude's most notoriously protective, judgmental pokémon.

Felix will notice, in fact, that most of Claude's pokémon are currently regarding him. (Not, perhaps, too surprising, as with Claude's absence there's not a whole lot else to pay attention to in the room besides each other, but it might make Felix a little awkward. But there's a definite air of approval. In fact, Sturm beams and actually claps his hands in obvious indication of his happiness. Clearly, Claude's fussing team are happy that Felix has helped Claude out of his funk.

Nowhere is this more evident than in Jadoube the Zoroark, who has some interesting options for showing her approval. She shakes herself off and straightens up...and then, with a shimmer of illusion, she takes on the appearance of Claude himself. And (s)he gives Felix a thumbs up. "You did great!" she says, in Claude's own voice.

There's a certain tone to that praise, interestingly - Felix, having grown so familiar with Claude, might recognize it. It's got that fond, almost paternal tone Claude gets when he's talking to his pokémon, not to another person. Jadoube may well be parroting what Claude tells them when they've done well, in order to communicate the same to Felix.

This friendly (if faintly disturbing) message imparted, the illusion fades and Jadoube is simply a Zoroark again.

[bestswordmaster]

You ought to have more faith in yourself. That's just the kind of thing Felix would expect from Claude--always lifting people up, even if all Felix did was lay out the unfortunate truth of what it's like to lose someone you love. He has plenty of faith in himself when it comes to things he knows how to do, but reassuring people is very much not one of them. So hearing that Claude appreciated the talk anyway is a comfort.

He startles when an enormous beak comes down to rest on his shoulder. He turns with wide eyes to see Arbiter looking back at him in approval. "Oh. You're...welcome?" The gesture is an abrupt reminder that these Pokemon were here to witness that entire conversation, have been watching him and listening this whole time. If he thinks about it too much, he'll feel humiliated, so instead he turns his attention to the fact that he's now the center of their attention.

"What?" He can't help backing away a little toward the door at their staring, despite the fact that they're obviously the opposite of upset with him. There's a reason he put all of his and Sylvain's Pokemon other than Inda in their balls today, even Varley. He didn't want to feel watched in his raw, pathetic state. "I caused the problem in the first place, I was just...rectifying it. That's all."

Then the Zoroark moves, and Felix stares as she...turns into Claude and uses his voice. What the fuck? What the fuck.

"Uh...thanks. Don't ever do that again. ...I have to go."

Sure, he said he'd wait here, but he didn't say he'd necessarily stay on this side of the door. He hopes Claude is almost finished with his talk, because he's absolutely going out into the hall now.

[vrdantwind]

Felix will hear a huff from Sicily as he heads out. It's aimed more at his fellow pokémon - look, you spooked the human now.

Claude, meanwhile, looks up in slight surprise when Felix pops out of his room. "Hey - was I taking that long?" His assumption is that Felix got impatient, and that's why he ducked out rather than waiting any longer.

[bestswordmaster]

Felix looks up, too, blinking. "What? No. Your Zoroark turned into you and I think Arbiter tried to bless me, and they were all staring at me. I had to get out of there."

Now that Claude's mentioned it, though-- "Are you ready yet?"

If Dimitri and Grant are still around, he pays them no mind, doesn't even look at them. He's not in the mood for any further commentary or gratitude or pity. He'll...talk to Dimitri tomorrow, maybe. He can't handle any more of this tonight.

[vrdantwind]

Claude stares at Felix for a moment, blinking, and then...manages to laugh a little. He's definitely improved from before, just by that alone. "I mean, Jadoube uses her illusions sometimes to look and sound human when she wants to communicate something, but I can't say what exactly she or Arbiter were up to. Sorry they were being weird at you, though."

He steps forward to take Felix's hand. "But I'm ready. Or as ready as I'll ever be. I do...hate seeing Sylvain like that, but I shouldn't let that keep me away from him. Or make you have to deal with it all on your own. I'm sure you don't like it any better than I do."

[bestswordmaster]

Felix doesn't have it in him to smile back, but the fact that Claude is laughing seems like a good sign. "I think they were trying to thank me. Which is ridiculous considering--never mind."

He clings to Claude's hand a little more than he'd have liked as they make their way back down the hall. "...you're right. I don't. That's why I came to your room in the first place."

Felix unlocks the door--apparently he locked it, even for the brief time he thought he would be gone--and pushes it open, going inside. Inda's awake now and she's thoughtfully turned on a lamp so that Felix wouldn't return to the dark room he left, not having bothered to turn on any lights himself.

"Thanks, Inda," he mutters, moving to the bed to pat her leaves. Stee, is her quiet response, from where she's curled up on top of Sylvain's chest, and--

And yes, there's Sylvain, exactly where Felix left him: lying on his back on his side of the bed. Felix could almost convince himself that the other man is merely asleep like normal, and that when he lies down, Sylvain will stir and turn to pull him close and mutter something unintelligible. But he's been in and out of the bed all day, and he knows that won't happen.

So he climbs onto the bed and pulls the covers back for Claude, sliding as close to Sylvain as he reasonably can to make room, still sitting up for now. In his mind's eye, he can see Sylvain looking up at him and opening his arms wide the way he always does when he wants to cuddle. Felix doesn't do that, but he does hold a hand out to Claude in invitation.

[vrdantwind]

"Hey, Inda," Claude says softly as he follows Felix into the room. He hasn't gotten to spend nearly as much time with her as Sylvain, or even Felix, but he's still fond of her - and he's even more fond of the way Sylvain dotes on her, and Felix can't help but be soft with her in turn. Usually, though, he just watches indulgently from a distance rather than interacting himself.

He moves over to the bed, eyes drifting inescapably to Sylvain. Like Felix, he keeps thinking of Sylvain waking up, reaching out, doing something...not just thinking it, but craving it with all his heart. He knows it won't happen, can't happen, for a full week yet at least...but it feels so wrong for him to just be lying there. Empty. A bookmark, as he'd once told Dirk, for a story to be picked up again later. Right now, as their own stories continue, Sylvain's has been paused.

It doesn't feel any better now than it did earlier. But...part of him wants to be here for Sylvain, however much it hurts. And part of him knows Felix wants and needs him here to help him with the pain and loneliness of Sylvain's being gone like this, and Claude wants to be here for him, too. Those things mean more than his discomfort.

He slips into bed with Felix, sliding his arms around the (barely) smaller man from behind. And if the uppermost arm reaches past Felix, to lightly rest fingers on Sylvain so that Claude can be touching him too...well, Felix probably understands that completely.

[bestswordmaster]

Inda gives Claude a sleepy little wave and a faint smile of greeting, or perhaps gratitude. Once Claude has settled in the bed, Varley rises from her place curled up on the floor to paw at the button to turn the lamp off, before padding around the bed to lick Sylvain's face a few times and returning to her spot.

Felix sighs quietly, relaxing just a little. But he's moving again soon enough, rolling carefully over to wrap his arms around Claude, too, tucking his own head under the other man's chin.

"Thank you," he murmurs. "Good night, Claude."

A good place to end it, I think, unless Felix has a closing comment to make

[vrdantwind]

"I want to be here," Claude murmurs, pulling Felix a little closer against him. He's not used to being the big spoon(or any spoon, frankly), but Felix definitely needs it right now, and he's happy to wordlessly meet that need. And heavens know he needs someone to hold right now, too. "For both you and him. You don't need to thank me for that."

He closes his eyes. "Good night, sunshine...good night, Sylvain." His fingers curl a little in the blanket covering Sylvain. "I love you both." Then, with a slight smile as he forces himself to push back the bittersweetness of those good nights... "And good night, Inda, Varley."