vrdantwind | IC Inbox

By the time Felix, Inda, and Felicity get back to the inn, Felix has to admit that going out seems to have helped. He's not sure what it is, exactly, but he feels a little more...present. A little more himself, and a little less like all he can do is react.

So he gets ready for bed and curls up next to Sylvain just like earlier, but the deafening silence where his fiance's conversation and bedtime kisses and stupid pet names would be feels like a crushing weight. Sleeping alone with Sylvain here is worse than sleeping completely alone would have been--and, he's ashamed to admit, even that has become more difficult to do. Weak, Felix. But true.

And he thinks about what Felicity said. The others need him. Felix isn't sure about that, but the realization that he let the entire day and evening slip by without seeing any of them prompts him to get up and go down the hall to Claude's room and knock on the door.

Edited 2021-02-20 07:55 (UTC)

There's a bit of sound from inside the room - maybe voices bleeding through as Grant and Dimitri keep Claude from going to get the door himself - and then Grant opens the door.

"--Oh, hey." He looks back into the room, tentatively, toward Claude and Dimitri. He supposes this could be a good thing, when it comes down to it. He hopes it is. "Felix is here."

"Felix?"

Claude, sitting in Dimitri's arms on his bed, looks downright startled to hear Felix is here. There's also a flicker of something like guilt, though Grant and Dimitri - who already know it's there - will no doubt pick up on that a lot easier than Felix can. Guilt for what? It's hard to say. For not being able to help Felix, over the (perceived) accusations about Sylvain, who knows.

He starts to try and get up, again, thinking maybe Dimitri will let him this time.

Dimitri, in fact, does let Claude get up onto his feet... but only with him as an accompanying force. He keeps one arm still wrapped around Claude's shoulders, brow furrowed a little bit.

Still, it is... good, that Felix has come here of his own volition. Dimitri can only hope that something good also comes out of this. Despite that, he's hesitant to just... leave the two of them. Not without Claude looking certain.

[A small huff.]

The other ways I was fond of you could not be likened to a star.

Even so, with guidelines, I know that I won't ruin things...

[It had been something he had wondered, occasionally, in the wake of the Tragedy. If he didn't have guidelines, would he fall apart into the wretched monster he knew he was?]

[Sighing, he nuzzles against Claude's palm.]

But... Yes. You could...

um, you know what TV and movies are, right?

anime is when you do TV or movies, but instead of having moving photographs, they have moving drawings

[Claude is saved by Akane interpreting that as 'what is animation?' and not 'what is Japanese animation that fanboys love?']

ranma isn't good at everything but ranma is good at the important things like martial arts

Felix blinks to see Grant answering the door, and the man is so tall and broad that he can't see anything past him into the room. He frowns, a spike of alarm going through him, and the part of him that's coiled up tightly waiting for more shoes to drop wants to tell Grant to get out of his way.

Instead, Felix says, "It's...me, yes." Then, to Grant directly, a little sharper than intended, "What's going on? Did something happen to Claude, too?"

Clearly Claude's not asleep, but...just as clearly, something's wrong, and...Goddess, Felix can't handle losing both of them at once.

As is so often the case, some ever-fearful part of Grant wants to shrink away from Felix's tone - but he knows why Felix would sound like that, now more than ever. So he just steps aside instead, letting Felix at least see into the room.

None of that helps with answering Felix's question. He can't hesitate for long, though; that'll just leave Felix more time to worry, so... he's just got to say something. "He's... upset, is all."

Another glance back at Claude. What do you want to do?

Claude tries to offer Felix a smile. It's weak, though, downright fake and meaningless under the circumstances, so he drops the attempt almost immediately. "What'd you want, Felix? I thought we might have to drag you out of Sylvain's room, so I didn't expect you to come by..."

He meets Grant's gaze briefly, but he doesn't really have any answer to signal in return. Without knowing what Felix is here for, he can't really say what it is he wants to do; he doesn't know enough.

He does lean into Dimitri a little, though.

As Claude leans against him, Dimitri squeezes his hand gently. It's a silent message: I'm here for you. Grant is there too, of course, and he's helping in a rather substantial way from Dimitri's perspective... but he's not actively hugging Claude Right This Second. So Dimitri offers what he can, where he is.

"Are you feeling better, Felix?" Dimitri asks softly, wondering if there's something behind his actions.

The alarm bells in Felix's mind get louder. What does he want? They're all exchanging glances like Felix isn't supposed to be here. Maybe Felicity was wrong, and they don't want to see him. That reactive part of him wants to snap and leave before they can confirm it, but he doesn't. Not yet.

"Not really, no." That's to Dimitri, before he turns to Claude. "I came to ask you a question, but it looks like this is a bad time. I'll go."

Just a glimpse of Claude's face when Felix says that is enough to get an immediate answer from Grant. "--No!"

...Right, he should say more than that. He turns back to Felix. "No, you should stay here."

"Yeah." Claude makes another attempt at a smile. "If you want, Grant and Dimitri could step out while we talk?"

His instinct is that Felix doesn't want to discuss whatever he has to say in front of all of them. So if he gives Felix the chance to talk to him in private, maybe Felix will actually tell him what he came for.

He hates the thought that, whatever Felix came to him for, he'd simply just leave without it. It was probably what Grant saw on his face when he spoke up on Claude's behalf.

Claude glances up at Dimitri, wordlessly asking him to go along with this.

There is nothing less than sheer relief on Dimitri's face when Grant speaks up before he or Claude can even try. Somehow, with all of them working together... This mess feels as though it's surmountable.

...so he's maybe a little concerned, and showing it, when Claude hints to be alone with Felix. He blinks down at him, brows furrowed, before he slowly loosens his grip around him.

"If you would like," he says, looking to Claude, and then up at Felix.

Grant's immediate refusal startles Felix visibly. Claude's response is a bit more reassuring, but the uneasiness is back on his face again soon after. Why do he and Claude need Dimitri's permission to talk privately? What the hell is happening? He tries hard not to get defensive, not to let his hackles rise.

"Yes, I would. Especially after whatever that was just now."

Whatever that was just now. Well, that's enough in itself to get another probably-unwanted apology rising in Grant's throat.

So, instead, he nods, just once, and steps out of the room, around Felix, pressing close to the edge of the doorway to keep himself taking up as little space as possible.

Well. That answers that. Dimitri squeezes Claude's arm one more time before he pulls away from him. But... He doesn't leave the room immediately. Instead, he stops in the doorway right there before Felix, and reaches out to take his hand.

"He's hurting," he says quietly. "He's scared and worried about Sylvain. You are the only one who can make him better, Felix, so please - take care. Be gentle. He's feeling... on the outside again. If you love him like I know you do, please remember that."

He has nothing more to say, frankly. This is something meant for Claude and Felix to discuss. He has no place, not yet, and so he steps outside along with Grant.

Felix lets Dimitri have his hand, but the more the other man talks, the more concerned Felix gets. Claude, scared? Logically, he knows that has to happen sometime, everyone's afraid of something, but...Felix has never seen Claude look afraid.

And he has no idea why he of all people would be the only one who could help. That doesn't seem right, especially if it requires taking care and being gentle. Dimitri knows how terrible Felix is at those things. But for Claude, he'll...try.

He gives Dimitri a minute nod. "All right."

Once the other two have gone, Felix closes the door behind him and looks around. The several very large Pokemon in the room seem to stare him down, and his instinct to stare right back flares up in his chest, but he pushes it down. He doesn't want to pick a fight with Claude's beloved companions.

Finally, his gaze settles on Claude. "Can I...um. Dimitri said I could help." With what, he's still not sure.

Edited 2021-02-20 10:28 (UTC)

[Ah. There's a flicker of emotion on Claude's face that passes too quickly to identify; had it lasted long enough, though, Felix could have seen it for the grimace it was. For Claude to have been unable to help Felix - for, in fact, his help to be actively unwelcome - only for Felix to be told to help him instead...it feels like his failure's being underlined in red pen.]

I'll be fine. Besides, that's not what you came here for, is it? [He forces a smile, this time with more success. Maybe some part of him knows he can sell it better when Dimitri isn't hovering over him with a worried look on his face, and Grant shooting him concerned glances.] Or were you going to keep me in suspense about what you wanted?

Frustration kindles like slowly simmering water in Felix’s gut. He frowns. “It’s not, but only because I didn’t know there was anything to help with.” But maybe, he thinks, asking what he came to ask will help.

“I was going to ask if...” It sounds pathetic to his ears now that he’s saying it out loud, but Claude himself was the one who asked him once what was more important—his pride or someone he loved. So he presses on. “If you wanted to come and sleep in our room. With me. With...us.”

If Claude looks as though that's the last thing he'd expected to hear, that's because it is. It takes him a moment to even process the idea of what it is Felix is really suggesting(marginally complicated by the confusion of Felix asking him; he'd thought Felix was angry with him and didn't want him around. Why ask Claude? Dimitri had been right there - but perhaps Dimitri isn't close enough to being a Sylvain substitute).

But when it really sinks in...he realizes what a bad idea it is. On multiple levels. The most significant level, however, is that Sylvain's lack of responsiveness - Claude's not sure if the feeling it provokes in him is horror or grief, or if perhaps there's no real distinction between the two. But the feeling of lying with him on his and Felix's bed, wanting nothing more than to hear his voice or see him open his eyes or to be able to be held by him and being absolutely unable to have those things...in his own way, he can't handle that any better than Felix can. (Even if he doesn't quite realize that's a large part of the motive behind Felix's making this request of him.) In some ways, perhaps, he thinks he'd handle it worst. He's not sure he could keep his composure...and that's the last thing he wants Felix to see. Not only would that undercut every reassurance Claude had tried to offer by demonstrating how unsure Claude is in any of it, the struggle he has believing his own words, thereby making things worse for Felix...but what right does he have to lose it like that? Felix hasn't broken down, and he's Sylvain's fiance. Felix - all of the others - have frankly endured far worse losses than Claude ever has. And Claude can't even hold it together when his boyfriend goes to sleep for a week or so? Felix is the one who should have to take care of him when Felix's fiance is unconscious?

It's selfish. It's pathetic. And if anyone would think that, would be made angry by it...it'd be Felix. (And, the back of Claude's mind whispers, literally any Almyran. This should be nothing for him, and he's falling apart.)

"I can't," he says, the refusal spilling out of him without even the time to figure out how to pretty it up. But maybe there is no way to pretty it up. What excuse could he come up with that'd be good enough? That wouldn't make Felix just as angry as a flat rejection?

Claude's shocked look doesn't help with the feeling that he's missed something important and no one's telling him what it is. Why would he be so surprised? Felix spent a bunch of nights sleeping in Claude's room when Sylvain was out of town, what's the difference?

The answer to the question sheds no light, either.

"What do you mean, you can't?" Not that he doesn't want to, but that he can't? What does that mean? That sinking feeling of dread trickles back into his chest, chilly as a mountain stream.

"I don't understand anything that's happened since Grant opened the door. Tell me what's going on."

Claude doesn't usually want to run away from conversations; that's more Felix's things. But he wishes he could get away from this one. He has no idea how to answer Felix's question, how to explain anything, without revealing the very same things he feared sleeping beside Sylvain would reveal. And even if he felt up to coming up with a lie, he doesn't think he could sell it. What is he supposed to do here?

He averts his gaze from Felix. "I don't...know why you're asking me. You told me to get out earlier. Why didn't you ask Dimitri?"

Felix blinks at him, eyes widening a little. Seeing Claude like this seems...wrong. Under other circumstances he'd be furious at whoever put that uncertain and despondent look on a face that's usually so full of confidence and hope and life. Claude's eyes without their sparkle hardly look like Claude's eyes at all.

"What? I didn't ask Dimitri because I wanted to ask you. You're--" But then he frowns. Wait a second. "Is that what this is all about? I--"

Take care, Dimitri said. Be gentle. His gaze drifts elsewhere, too.

"...I'm sorry, Claude. I just...couldn't handle talking, this morning. Or afternoon, or...whenever that was."

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In person, the night of Feb. 18

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