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Dec. 14th, 2020 02:58 am
vrdantwind: (If I'm right here with you)
[personal profile] vrdantwind


"Hey, this is Claude! Pretty sure I'm doing this correctly. You can leave me a message here, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you soon~."

understood!

Date: 2021-03-06 08:00 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (Default)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
I mean, the thing is that I *do* have someone I should talk to this about. I've got a friend who basically volunteered to serve as my ad hoc therapist since summer. I see him for a few hours around noon every Wednesday. I just-- haven't been talking to him about *that* so much, because a lot of what I'd been doing with him was reconstructing myself from what was left after *I* broke, which was some time before I came here the first time.

(I think you're right that everyone has a point at which they're broken. I know when mine was.)

But yes. I did have one of those 'canon updates' as Dirk calls them and since then it's been-- difficult. Mostly because I changed in quite a few ways in those six years and with most people I met before I 'updated' I sometimes feel the unconscious pressure to revert to the younger self they'd be more familiar with in their company. There's a few exceptions, such as with Thace, but for the most part it's a thing. That might be why I enjoy talking to you and your friends. You've never known the old me.

Date: 2021-03-11 05:56 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (harmless)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
Mm. It's complicated. I didn't go to war or anything. I did become a more dangerous person.

I don't think my essential, core self is that very different, save that I was a broken man when I came here and by the time I returned, I'd managed to repair myself as much as possible. It's just-- behaviors, I guess.

I suppose one way to explain it was that as a young man, as a member of a minority population that often experiences institutionalized discrimination--and as one who is fairly solidly built besides--I developed habits of body-language built around... well. Minimizing the space I took up. Making myself appear smaller. Non-threatening.

I was still doing that when I was first here and when I fell asleep in Armin's houseboat. I'd stopped doing that in those six years I was home, not the least because my position in my community of survivors *relies* on me being able to present myself as a threat if need be--and over those six years I'd amassed a good deal of skills to back it up.

Now I catch myself going back to those old habits and it's very frustrating.
Edited (Taking code OUT for once) Date: 2021-03-13 01:02 pm (UTC)

Date: 2021-03-19 08:07 pm (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (stiff)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
[... Steven is maybe going to guess Grant, but only because he's also not white.]

Not *only*, but so much more often than with other people. And it's just-- it's irritating. When I find myself slipping into my old habits of holding myself, it's *irritating*. And frustrating.

I've been thinking about *why* I do it and I wonder if I'm responding to people's expectations of me too. Not even necessarily conscious ones? But when you get to know someone, you start expecting them to act a certain way. Just, well, consistent with how they have before. If someone starts suddenly holding themself differently, you'd notice right? It would be really weird, wouldn't it?


[A thought strikes him and Steven swears out loud.]

My first time here, one of my best friends was a man named Tyler, about your age. We were from the same world, even though we never met each other there. I know now that he went to university with my friend Gil back home, but the first time I was here, I hadn't met Gil yet.

But here's the thing: Tyler hates when people change on him.

And here's the other thing: technically, I came back here once during the six years I was away. It was a weird weekend, the first one, and I didn't *remember* being here before at that time. It happened *months* before I even fell asleep and got 'canon updated.' But I did encounter myself as I am now (technically myself as I was a year ago from my perspective) and I remember the old me being a mix of envious and jealous of the me I am now, because he seemed like he had everything together in a way that I didn't--though I suppose it went both ways, as me a year ago envied the old me for being happily in love, not realizing how shaky a foundation that love rested upon. Basically, the entire thing was timeline shenanigans and a complete headache for both old me and me-a-year-ago.

The point is, me-a-year-ago ended up encountering Tyler and he *hated* me almost instantly, because I wasn't the Steven he expected me to be, but some new and different asshole.

Tyler disappeared about a week after I got back from my 'canon update.' I hadn't had a chance to have a real talk with him since said update? Honestly, I'd been dreading doing it. And then it never happened. Because he was gone.

And I just realized, just now, that possibly the whole Tyler thing has a *lot* to do with why I feel tempted to slip back into the old me with people I used to know.

Date: 2021-03-23 04:28 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (serious)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
[Well, we're not entirely sure if Steven really realizes that Grant's a werewolf and not just a very attractive bear.]

... ah hell. I think you're *right*. I really do. Especially since... well, the whole thing with Tyler happened. And I know Tyler's been uniquely traumatized in his own way and not everyone will react so badly to change... but even if I know that consciously, I think my subconscious mind is just-- expecting people to react that badly anyway now. And I just need to start actively fighting back against it.

I mean, hell, I used to have the same reaction only in reverse to Shinobu, before I got 'updated.' I knew he knew me in the future and I always felt so awkward with him because I was sure he was expecting my older self, even though he's always tried to treat my past self like a different person than the self I am now. And now he's one of the few people I feel really *knows* me now, because I'm the one he met a year ago in our world.

(It's a funny story, actually, involving him getting talked into stealing my DVDs by my sister's ghost and me threatening him for the attempted break-in, but don't worry, everyone's friends now. Including all the ghosts involved.)
fingersandteeth: (listening)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
You have no idea.

But yes, actually, that *has* been a life-long problem for me. It was even worse when I was younger, given how badly men who love other men were regarded when I first came of age. Between my ethnic group and my sexuality, I've always had to worry about other people's perceptions.

I thought I was finally growing out of always needing to play to my audience. I really did. And I'm just so damn frustrated that evidently I haven't. Not here.

(I even got a damn Indeedee card on the subject, from Emet. It was kind of a kick in the gut to read, but he wasn't *wrong*.)
fingersandteeth: (!mien)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
I don't have this issue with Thace, no. But Thace knows where my bodies are buried. (In a metaphorical sense, I mean, obviously, since any bodies I'd have would be back home and we're from different worlds.) He doesn't have any illusions about the kind of person I am and hasn't since... well, since I went to him for advice when everything started going wrong with Jack and then blew up at him when I thought Thace was treating me like a child or a naif over it all. But obviously I can't go around telling *everyone* these things. The only reason I could *then* was because Thace was already one of my closest friends, he knew a few things already that he hadn't condemned me for, and I was fully prepared to lose him over him knowing everything I'd done at that point. And then, after I came back, I told him the rest of it.

And Shinobu, who is the only other person I trust as much as Thace now, knows exactly who and what I *am* back home. I've explained my position to Thace and I've hinted at it to a few people--I told the less controversial part of it to Carly and gave abbreviated explanations to Hythldaeus and Emet-Selch--but most people? They don't know. Or they know something of *what* I am, like Armin does, but not the position I serve.

Back home? Everyone in my community of survivors knows. They know *what* I am, because none of us are human anymore. And they know what I *do*, because it's an open secret that I do it. And yes, some of them fear me for it, as well they should, but that's the price of serving and protecting my community in that fashion. I don't regret it. I don't regret anything I've done for their safety.

And I'm talking circles around what that *is*, what I *am* and what I *do*, aren't I? Well, that's the whole point. Not being human anymore is the *easiest* part of it to talk about and it's taken me this long to even *mention* it to you. As for the rest?


[And Steven stares at the screen for a long moment before he finally types,]

I'm my monarch's assassin and executioner. I have been for the last three years. It's not something you can just bring *up* with people. Hell, I'm taking a gamble telling you *now*.

[And then he presses send before he can talk himself out of it.]

Date: 2021-04-08 06:53 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (!mien)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
Well, I don't suppose they would be in most ordinary communities. Changelings, which is what in fact I am, are different.

I don't know if your world has the Fair Folk in it, but the easiest way to explain is that there's powerful otherworldly entities that live in a realm distinct from but also adjacent to everyday reality and they often kidnap people for their own uncanny purposes--and their realms shape us into creatures that aren't actually human any longer, even as we have magic to fake it in the company of normal humans.

Almost twelve years ago, I was one of the humans they stole away. And almost seven years ago, I escaped with five of my friends, although my five years away broke me in the process. I'm not for the most part broken *now*--but it was slow-going at points.

Changelings can see through the illusions that make us appear as normal to ordinary mortals. It helps us find each other. We have a tendency to form communities of various sizes in the wake of our experiences, called Freeholds. I'm from a large city, with well over a million people living there--even as rare as we Changelings are, that makes for a local Freehold population well into three figures.

I suppose you could consider it a secret sub-population living among the greater population of ordinary mortals? Officially the government of the land that I'm from knows nothing about us. Unofficially... they still very well may know nothing.

Each Freehold divides itself into 'Courts' of like-minded Changelings according to how we cope with our captivity and newfound freedom. The Courts share governance of the Freehold community, either geographically or temporally, depending on which system a Freehold follows, and each Court has a monarch, who best embodies the ideals of the Court. There are various other positions with the Court that people can fill.

The Autumn Court, which I am a part of, traditionally has a position which is poetically called 'the Barrow-Tender' or sometimes the 'ghul.' A Barrow-Tender's job is to protect the Freehold through killing those who threaten it, both inside and outside the community. When those threats come from outside the community, I'm an assassin. When they come from inside the community, I'm an executioner. Since it's not an excessively large community, I don't get deployed very often, but I usually am a few times each year and not always during my Court's season--though it's an Autumn job, our monarchs tend to share us with the other seasonal monarchs.

Freeholds, even in the largest cities, generally don't end up being *too* large themselves. I suppose when you've less than a thousand people, combining both roles into one whose job description is 'killing threats' makes sense. And believe me, Claude, the threats I killed *were* nasty pieces of work, one and all of them. I don't regret a single one.

Still, I'm glad you *do* understand, Claude. If you put this kind of thought into governing your father's country, you'll be a very *good* king, I think. One I can only hope to be as good as, should the Ashen Crown ever pass to me--although if it does, I'll likely have an easier time, with so many fewer subjects.

(And yes, actually, you *did* communicate things well enough and you have a point too.)
Edited (Missing the) Date: 2021-04-23 08:32 am (UTC)

Date: 2021-05-01 05:44 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (harmless)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
Well, I've only got nine hunts to my name since I've taken up the position, so I'm only a moderately experienced one.

And... well, I suppose I meant for you to make the inferences you did. It's easier for people to assume I'm talking about a traditional monarchy, rather than an underground community, and it saves so much explaining if I just let people make assumptions. But then you told me about yourself and... well. I felt like I ought to give you the full explanation, since you told me things you didn't have to.

Date: 2021-05-10 03:32 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (consider)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
Technically one of them was a Mage and two were merely powerful mortals, but point taken. And I suppose you could count them as consecutive? Not all of them went down on my first attempt, but I got all of them *eventually*.

We do have monarchies, but they're mostly constitutional monarchies these days, where the bulk of the governance is done by a Parliament or something like that and the actual monarchy itself is more for show. And my own country was always a republic, more or less.


[It is nice to know he managed to pull one over Claude, who is a very tricky customer.]
Edited Date: 2021-05-10 03:33 am (UTC)

Date: 2021-05-18 07:47 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (harmless)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
I don't think we do, actually. I think we're talking just to talk, which is admittedly a terrible habit of mine--and yours as well, I suspect.

But honestly, Claude, I think your experience with other forms of governance will probably be the best asset you'll have as a king. If nothing else, it'll give you a lot more flexibility of mind than someone who's been used to the divine rule of kings. (I honestly don't know how much authority Almyra has in its monarchs, but I'm sure it's much more than the leading lord in an oligarchy might have.)

Date: 2021-05-18 08:21 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (relaxed)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
Honestly, I feel like meritocracy's a better system than inheritance, when it comes to seats of power. Although I might be biased, of course, because that's how the seasonal crowns get passed along in a Changeling freehold--when a court's monarch steps down or dies or what have you, the crown appears on the brow of whatever Changeling best embodies that particular court. (Which means it's likely to be myself once the current monarch retires, because, well, I'm rather known for being an Autumn's Autumn, so to say.)

Does the empire even have any sub-kingdoms? Because as I understood it previously, you rather require those to have an empire for real and not just a kingdom calling itself an empire to sound better.

Date: 2021-05-18 09:47 am (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (!mien)
From: [personal profile] fingersandteeth
It's not a physical crown, mind you. It's symbolic. Kind of misty. But unmistakable. And yes, it's very magical, but the Seasonal courts *do* have the power of those seasons behind them. That's how Changeling magic works, you see. We make contracts with concepts to lend us their power, the stronger the better.

And huh. That's interesting, regarding the Empire. The history part. The overbearing part is just part of being an empire, I'm afraid.

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vrdantwind: (Default)
Claude von Riegan

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