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vrdantwind
"Hey, this is Claude! Pretty sure I'm doing this correctly. You can leave me a message here, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you soon~."
vrdantwind"Hey, this is Claude! Pretty sure I'm doing this correctly. You can leave me a message here, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you soon~."
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Date: 2021-03-18 08:31 am (UTC)He is tempted to interrupt once, when Claude tells him to think before he speaks and consider better ways to say things. That's easy for Claude to say, when he can read people like books and somehow predict their reactions. Felix can't even figure out why people are saying the things they're already saying, let alone things they haven't said yet. How the hell is he supposed to know what the right thing is to say to the right person?
But he puts that thought aside for now as Claude goes on. And finally, finally things start to become clearer. There's a part of him that wants to protest, to argue against the assertion that he's not up to the task of finding god and making it submit to his will, but the more rational part of his mind agrees that of course the plan is ridiculous and Sylvain definitely knows it.
The word 'faith' gets Felix scowling, though he still doesn't interrupt. Faith. What good has faith ever done? Besides leave him defenseless when his world fell apart over and over again, knocking him off his feet every single time because he dared to believe. He believed that Glenn was the strongest person he knew and could overcome any foe. He believed that Dimitri would be the same person when he came back from Duscur as he was when he left. He believed that his father, for all his flaws, was a great warrior who would live to be a pain in Felix's ass until he was old and gray. He even believed in the Goddess' will, once upon a time, until it became obvious to him that the Goddess didn't give two shits about any of them. When enough beliefs were shattered, he had to rely on what seemed realistic instead if he didn't want to shatter with them.
And Claude acknowledges that faith is difficult, that hope is terrifying, but how many times does he think Felix can take watching his hopes disintegrate in the Eternal Flames?
Felix is silent for a little while after Claude is finished. True to his lover's expectations, he hasn't looked up to meet his eyes once this whole time, and he still doesn't yet. So Claude's solution really does boil down to having faith in himself, huh? He's been fighting his whole life for enough strength to protect those he loves, but he's never known how to do it this way. He's forced to admit to himself that his heart is as weak as his sword arm is strong. Why else would he try so hard for so long to push the very people he wants to protect away from him? Tactically unsound at best, just as Seteth said. His defenses may once have been sufficient to keep that weak heart from breaking completely, but they've been wearing thin ever since--no, even before he arrived in Johto.
They've been wearing thin ever since Dimitri found himself again in Fhirdiad.
Eventually, Felix raises his head to look at Claude. "You're right," he says quietly, "about almost everything. You compared our situation here to the fear of mortality at home. And you say I need to have faith in myself not to stay a coward forever. But I don't. Because the way I avoided that fear then was to let myself feel as little as possible. Keep everyone at a distance and focus on what was in front of me. Training. Studies. The war. As long as there was another battle to fight, another technique to learn, then I could put my emotions aside for the sake of progress."
That's as long as he can take meeting Claude's gaze; his own shifts a little to focus on the air just beside his Gear. "And I don't think I was wrong to do so. Not while the Empire still stood. Emotions have no place on the battlefield or in the war room. They'll have no place in governance, either. Here, with all of you, I've...let my guard down. I don't regret it. And I want to believe I could do it again, I just...don't know how to train my heart to be strong enough for that belief. And until I do believe it, I won't give Sylvain empty words."
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Date: 2021-03-23 04:13 am (UTC)This isn't the end of the conversation, however. Quiet footsteps are heard outside of Felix's door just a few moments later, and then Claude is letting himself into the room. He shuts the door behind him before moving directly over to Felix, reaching out to stroke a hand through his hair and then down his cheek to cup his face.
Now, Felix can see Claude's slight smile. "I think you're right not to say things to Sylvain that you don't yet believe," he murmurs. "It wouldn't help him, because I think he'd feel that the words were hollow. And you do need to have more faith in yourself and the people around you, sunshine...but it doesn't need to be blind faith. I was never asking you to have faith in something you've got no reason to believe in.
"I want you to have faith in yourself because you've already shown that it's justified. Like you said, you've started to open up here. You've given Sylvain a good life and a future full of happiness and promise here. You've changed here, haven't you? If you needed to close yourself off during the war to keep going, that's understandable, and that very well could be the reason why the you back home hasn't made the developments you have yet. But you've seen in yourself, here, how much not having a war on your plate can let you change. Now that the war in Sylvain's time back home is over...can't you trust that the Felix there can make the same changes? Can open up the same way, given the same sort of opportunity? He might have more responsibilities there, I'll grant you, but his priorities won't be any different. And Sylvain is one of Felix Fraldarius' very highest priorities."
He strokes his thumb over Felix's cheek. "So this faith...it isn't blind faith. It isn't hoping for something you have no proof could ever happen. I'm asking you to trust that the same person will make the same sorts of choices you already know he's made before, when given a chance. That's barely even faith. It's more like trusting you to believe in the balance of probability, when you already know what's probable because it's already happened once. You can do that, can't you?"
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Date: 2021-03-23 07:49 am (UTC)You've changed here, haven't you? Felix supposes that letting his guard down could constitute change. Certainly, something has to have changed to allow him to accept Dimitri as he is without feeling like he's going to boil over with conflicting feelings. Or to let Claude as close as he did so quickly. Or...to propose marriage to Sylvain at all.
And Claude is right--Sylvain is and always has been one of his highest priorities, even if he didn't always acknowledge or like it. As for trusting himself to make the same choices...
He nods. "I can. When you put it like that, I...if we can hold onto our first promise through a decade of hell, there's no reason we can't keep it afterward. I may not be very good at faith, but I know I keep my promises."
Felix sighs and shifts to wrap his arms around Claude and rest his head on the other man's shoulder. "...thank you," he mutters quietly.
no subject
Date: 2021-03-23 10:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-03-23 10:53 am (UTC)He'd like to say that if he did somehow lose them, if he had to go back to living alone in Castle Fraldarius for the foreseeable future, he'd be fine. A bit sad, a bit lonely, but fine.
He'd like to say that, but at this point he's really not sure if it's true, and that's a scary thought.
But he pushes it aside so he can focus on Claude's warm hand in his hair and the steady rhythm of his breathing and the way he smells--he always smells good. It doesn't take too long before Felix starts to doze.