vrdantwind | IC Inbox

It's not obvious. But he wasn't always like that. I was there for...everything.

[He frowns with a hint of impatience, though not with Claude.] And I have addressed it.

[Claude cocks an eyebrow at him.] Oh, sorry, did you want me to specify "successfully addressed it"? I was trying to be tactful. That's a thing people do sometimes.

Well, if you won't tell me why because it's too personal...can you at least tell me when it started? [And then, Claude thinks, maybe he can figure it out on his own. Whether or not that's still considered a breach of Sylvain's privacy...ehhhh, he'll leave that question to the philosophers.]

Tact is for cowards.

[He narrows his eyes at Claude.] Why do you want to know so badly?

[Claude raises an eyebrow.] I'm sorry, did you want me to help you figure out how to make Sylvain stop being unhappy and also acting fake in a way that you hate? Do you think I can do that without knowing anything about why he acts that way? My insights about people and how to best deal with them come from understanding them, Felix. If I can't understand what Sylvain's doing or why, I'm not going to be able to help you with him.

I didn't-- You asked me why things were different here and I told you. That wasn't an invitation to poke your nose into everything. Especially since the second I ask you a personal question, you clam up and get cagey.

Hey, it's like I already told you - I may not technically have a reason to keep secrets for myself anymore, but without knowing how telling you guys things here may affect things back home, I've gotta be circumspect anyway. [Claude shrugs, with one of his more enigmatic smiles.] But it's also pretty different. You are actively seeking my advice at this point, right? Asking questions that could help me give you better advice is a lot different from just asking a guy about his past unprompted because you want to know. I have a pretty practical reason for inquiring.

[Not that he needs a practical reason to pry into other people's business, ever. He just happens to have one right now.]

[Felix scowls.] Excuses. And you're doing that obnoxious coy thing again. I hate it almost as much as I hate fake Sylvain. I'm not telling you.

[Claude shrugs.] Well, you don't have to tell me, but I can't really help you without anything to go off of, either.

And I'm not being coy, I think. Not like "oh, I've got a secret and you should try to find out what it is". I'm just trying to be as honest as the circumstances allow, y'know? Which admittedly isn't very. But it's hard to hide the fact that I'm dodging questions about myself. So I can at least acknowledge yeah, I can't tell you anything, and maybe even try to explain why...and why it's not necessarily something I want to do. That's all. Sometimes it seems like people think I keep secrets just because I like to annoy people.

[A beat.]

I mean, I do, but that's usually unrelated.

You're right. I don't have to tell you.

[Felix rolls his eyes.] I know you like it, I can tell by that irritating mysterious look you get on your face. I don't actually care about your secrets, but one-sided meddling is enough to drive anybody crazy.

And now I'm tired of talking about how you can't talk about things.

[Claude laughs.] Oh, is that why you think I like it? That's not - [He pauses, smile vanishing into a look of realization.] You know, that's why you don't like it, isn't it? The truth is, I'm not actually happy about it. I just smile because, you know, what's the point of brooding over a distasteful necessity you have to live with? It's better to just smile and not let it get you down. Lingering over something being unpleasant, letting it dictate your mood - I've never heard of that making anything more enjoyable. Treating it like a game, acting like it's no big deal - it doesn't exactly lighten the load, but I get to be in a better mood about it.

But that's not too far off from Sylvain being fake, is it? And you hate that. So of course me acting in a way that doesn't necessarily reflect how I feel would rub you the wrong way.

...hmph. You spare nothing and no one your scrutiny. [A pause.] But you do remind me of Sylvain sometimes, and not just because you make inappropriate jokes that aren't funny. I don't see what good it does to pretend. Maybe it makes you feel better, but nobody else.

Nope. Myself included. [Claude smiles slightly at him.]

Oh, so you think other people would feel better if I slumped around being miserable all the time, moaning about the secrets I can't share with them? I think being as cheerful as I can and not dwelling on it is a service to the people around me, frankly. At the worst, it doesn't change anything, but at best, it makes me way better company and less of a wet blanket over problems no one can do anything about.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That's not what I said. It's not because you're smiling, it's because you're...gloating. Silently. It's the way you look at people. Like you know everything and you're lording it over everyone.

[He shrugs.]
And I like you much better when you're not doing that.

[Claude's expression turns more serious.] I mean, I might do that about some secrets and some information, sure. Knowledge is power, and with power comes confidence. But...that doesn't apply to secrets about myself, Felix. Hiding who you really are, never being able to be truly honest or confide in even the people closest to you, always never having the freedom to just do or say what it is you want or think or feel because everything has to be a carefully considered calculation...none of that is fun, Felix. And the game isn't worth the candle just for some sense of superiority. And what's there to be smug about, anyway? Making yourself miserable just to make other people look a little less informed?

It's hard work with no personal payoff to me, that I'm doing because I have to. I'm not going to sit here and listen to how you hate me for all the fun you imagine I'm having. That's a little too much to ask of me, okay? I'm not saying you have to like me keeping secrets from you, I don't know why you would, but...you don't get to chalk up what you don't like about it to something that's just not true.

You're doing it again. I never said I hated you. If I hated you, I wouldn't bother speaking to you.

You act like I would be able to tell the difference between hiding things about yourself and hiding anything else. You're constantly playing games with people, you can't complain when they can't figure out when you're being sincere and when you're not.

[Claude arches an eyebrow.] If you admit you can't even tell that much about me, then why were you declaring what I must be thinking and feeling when I talk about my secrets with such authority? My problem isn't with you not understanding me - like you said, when I'm not honest with people, that's just an occupational hazard. My problem is with you coming to the wrong conclusions about me and making accusations about things that aren't true. You don't have to understand me to not make assumptions.

I think my similarities with Sylvain have confused you into thinking you can read me as well as someone you've known your whole life.

[Felix glances down at the bedsheets, thoughtful.]

...huh. You might be right.

[His gaze returns to Claude's face.]

Give me a way to get to know you that has nothing to do with your secrets, then.

[That gets a slight smile from Claude.] Oh, is this not doing it for you, then?

[He has another point, Felix. The two of them have been getting to know each other already, talking like this. In fact, they're probably become more friendly now after an hour's talk than they ever became in their entire year or so at Garreg Mach.]

No. [It's blunt, but then his brow furrows, realizing that doesn't explain much.] I mean, yes, but I still don't know anything about you. Like...things you enjoy or foods you hate or...whatever. I don't know.

Well, you could just ask me questions in a list, but honestly that's kind of boring, isn't it? [Claude grins.] Maybe you'll just have to settle for getting to know me gradually as we spend time together, the way friends do.

That would be boring.

[He blinks at Claude.] You want to spend time with me? Why?

Why do you want to get to know me better? [Claude smiles and shrugs.] I like you. And I like spending time with you. So I want more of those things. It's really not that complicated - no mystery there at all.

Oh.

[He considers that.]

I like you, too. So I guess that makes sense.

So - sound like a plan, then? [Claude tilts his head, smiling.] Only maybe we'd better start tomorrow. I could use some more sleep, and frankly I got pretty drunk before I crashed tonight so I'm really going to hate myself in the morning as it is.

What? Were you hungover this whole time? You don't look hungover. You still look--

[Stupidly attractive.]

--fine.

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