vrdantwind | IC Inbox

[Claude laughs quietly.] No, that wasn't some kind of passive-aggressive thing...or even just some kind of half-joke. I know you're not going to pounce on me again. I mean, let's face it, the last time ended badly for you, right? And you're really interested in Sylvain, with your relationship with him up in the air. Why would you jump me?

And yes, I'm very aware that was totally uncharacteristic of you. Part of the reason I figured out what was going on and why you were doing it so fast is exactly because I knew you hadn't kissed me just because you actually wanted to kiss me. And the alternate explanation was really obvious, under the circumstances.

I wouldn't. Don't flatter yourself.

[Which...is nonsensical, and immediately after he says it, Felix realizes it and scowls. He must be getting tired. Or...distracted. Or something.]

It's...ugh. That's not what I mean. I'm not petty. Jealousy is a waste of time. All this...overly emotional foolishness. That's not who I am.

Maybe you've got more than one facet to you? [Claude smiles, resting his chin on his hand.] Even a sword has more than one side, you know. So maybe the Felix who's obsessed with swords and training and challenging himself, and the Felix who wants Sylvain to kiss him and actually does care about things like romance with the right people...they could be the same person, actually.

I'm not obsessed. And it's not about--that. Sylvain--the one from where I came from. He's different from this one, a little. We've been marching nonstop together for months, and sometimes things seemed like they were...more. I was already thinking about it before I got here.

What Sylvain did here shouldn't have driven me to do something so impulsive and unreasonable. It's the kind of behavior I would expect from Sylvain, or...I don't know, Caspar. Not me.

[Claude watches him, looking thoughtful.] So why did you do it, then, if that's so unlike you?

I don't know. ...everything here is unfamiliar. Even people I've known all my life. Ever since Sylvain and I got to Violet, everything has felt wrong. Not just what I did. It's like I'm trying to hold onto handfuls of sand.

What's changed since when you were traveling together? [Claude tilts his head.] Is it because it's not just you and him anymore?

Yes. [His brow furrows.] Whenever he's with other people, he doesn't act like himself. He puts on that idiotic fake smile and pretends. I hate it. It means he's unhappy and makes him act like a worse person than he is.

The fact that it sounds like he's happy and himself around you the most honestly makes it a little more obvious just how important you are to him, you know. [Claude's voice is mild. He's not calling you an idiot for not figuring out Sylvain earlier when you apparently had all the clues right there in your hand already, but also he kind of obliquely is.]

I guess the question is, why is he so unhappy when it's not just you? Why does he feel the need to be fake around everyone? I'm honestly surprised he's not more himself around Dimitri, at least...and Ingrid when you guys are back home, of course. I know the four of you have known each other forever. So what's he got to hide from any of you?

Maybe.

[Felix shakes his head.] Not with Dimitri, usually. With Ingrid, only when she's really in a lecturing mood. And not with Mercedes, she doesn't stand for it. But why he does it is a story I'm not telling you. Ask him if you really want to know.

[Claude blinks.] Wait, you actually know exactly why? I assumed it was something to be figured out.

Edited 2020-12-17 02:56 (UTC)

Of course I know why. [Felix smirks.] You assume everything is something to be figured out.

I mean, if you knew why already, I thought maybe you would've already addressed it. Besides, he's a guy who'd rather not kiss the guy he's into, and then go sulk when his object of interest kisses another guy, than just tell people how he feels. I didn't expect the answer to be obvious.

It's not obvious. But he wasn't always like that. I was there for...everything.

[He frowns with a hint of impatience, though not with Claude.] And I have addressed it.

[Claude cocks an eyebrow at him.] Oh, sorry, did you want me to specify "successfully addressed it"? I was trying to be tactful. That's a thing people do sometimes.

Well, if you won't tell me why because it's too personal...can you at least tell me when it started? [And then, Claude thinks, maybe he can figure it out on his own. Whether or not that's still considered a breach of Sylvain's privacy...ehhhh, he'll leave that question to the philosophers.]

Tact is for cowards.

[He narrows his eyes at Claude.] Why do you want to know so badly?

[Claude raises an eyebrow.] I'm sorry, did you want me to help you figure out how to make Sylvain stop being unhappy and also acting fake in a way that you hate? Do you think I can do that without knowing anything about why he acts that way? My insights about people and how to best deal with them come from understanding them, Felix. If I can't understand what Sylvain's doing or why, I'm not going to be able to help you with him.

I didn't-- You asked me why things were different here and I told you. That wasn't an invitation to poke your nose into everything. Especially since the second I ask you a personal question, you clam up and get cagey.

Hey, it's like I already told you - I may not technically have a reason to keep secrets for myself anymore, but without knowing how telling you guys things here may affect things back home, I've gotta be circumspect anyway. [Claude shrugs, with one of his more enigmatic smiles.] But it's also pretty different. You are actively seeking my advice at this point, right? Asking questions that could help me give you better advice is a lot different from just asking a guy about his past unprompted because you want to know. I have a pretty practical reason for inquiring.

[Not that he needs a practical reason to pry into other people's business, ever. He just happens to have one right now.]

[Felix scowls.] Excuses. And you're doing that obnoxious coy thing again. I hate it almost as much as I hate fake Sylvain. I'm not telling you.

[Claude shrugs.] Well, you don't have to tell me, but I can't really help you without anything to go off of, either.

And I'm not being coy, I think. Not like "oh, I've got a secret and you should try to find out what it is". I'm just trying to be as honest as the circumstances allow, y'know? Which admittedly isn't very. But it's hard to hide the fact that I'm dodging questions about myself. So I can at least acknowledge yeah, I can't tell you anything, and maybe even try to explain why...and why it's not necessarily something I want to do. That's all. Sometimes it seems like people think I keep secrets just because I like to annoy people.

[A beat.]

I mean, I do, but that's usually unrelated.

You're right. I don't have to tell you.

[Felix rolls his eyes.] I know you like it, I can tell by that irritating mysterious look you get on your face. I don't actually care about your secrets, but one-sided meddling is enough to drive anybody crazy.

And now I'm tired of talking about how you can't talk about things.

[Claude laughs.] Oh, is that why you think I like it? That's not - [He pauses, smile vanishing into a look of realization.] You know, that's why you don't like it, isn't it? The truth is, I'm not actually happy about it. I just smile because, you know, what's the point of brooding over a distasteful necessity you have to live with? It's better to just smile and not let it get you down. Lingering over something being unpleasant, letting it dictate your mood - I've never heard of that making anything more enjoyable. Treating it like a game, acting like it's no big deal - it doesn't exactly lighten the load, but I get to be in a better mood about it.

But that's not too far off from Sylvain being fake, is it? And you hate that. So of course me acting in a way that doesn't necessarily reflect how I feel would rub you the wrong way.

...hmph. You spare nothing and no one your scrutiny. [A pause.] But you do remind me of Sylvain sometimes, and not just because you make inappropriate jokes that aren't funny. I don't see what good it does to pretend. Maybe it makes you feel better, but nobody else.

Nope. Myself included. [Claude smiles slightly at him.]

Oh, so you think other people would feel better if I slumped around being miserable all the time, moaning about the secrets I can't share with them? I think being as cheerful as I can and not dwelling on it is a service to the people around me, frankly. At the worst, it doesn't change anything, but at best, it makes me way better company and less of a wet blanket over problems no one can do anything about.

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