vrdantwind | IC Inbox

Hey, it's like I already told you - I may not technically have a reason to keep secrets for myself anymore, but without knowing how telling you guys things here may affect things back home, I've gotta be circumspect anyway. [Claude shrugs, with one of his more enigmatic smiles.] But it's also pretty different. You are actively seeking my advice at this point, right? Asking questions that could help me give you better advice is a lot different from just asking a guy about his past unprompted because you want to know. I have a pretty practical reason for inquiring.

[Not that he needs a practical reason to pry into other people's business, ever. He just happens to have one right now.]

[Felix scowls.] Excuses. And you're doing that obnoxious coy thing again. I hate it almost as much as I hate fake Sylvain. I'm not telling you.

[Claude shrugs.] Well, you don't have to tell me, but I can't really help you without anything to go off of, either.

And I'm not being coy, I think. Not like "oh, I've got a secret and you should try to find out what it is". I'm just trying to be as honest as the circumstances allow, y'know? Which admittedly isn't very. But it's hard to hide the fact that I'm dodging questions about myself. So I can at least acknowledge yeah, I can't tell you anything, and maybe even try to explain why...and why it's not necessarily something I want to do. That's all. Sometimes it seems like people think I keep secrets just because I like to annoy people.

[A beat.]

I mean, I do, but that's usually unrelated.

You're right. I don't have to tell you.

[Felix rolls his eyes.] I know you like it, I can tell by that irritating mysterious look you get on your face. I don't actually care about your secrets, but one-sided meddling is enough to drive anybody crazy.

And now I'm tired of talking about how you can't talk about things.

[Claude laughs.] Oh, is that why you think I like it? That's not - [He pauses, smile vanishing into a look of realization.] You know, that's why you don't like it, isn't it? The truth is, I'm not actually happy about it. I just smile because, you know, what's the point of brooding over a distasteful necessity you have to live with? It's better to just smile and not let it get you down. Lingering over something being unpleasant, letting it dictate your mood - I've never heard of that making anything more enjoyable. Treating it like a game, acting like it's no big deal - it doesn't exactly lighten the load, but I get to be in a better mood about it.

But that's not too far off from Sylvain being fake, is it? And you hate that. So of course me acting in a way that doesn't necessarily reflect how I feel would rub you the wrong way.

...hmph. You spare nothing and no one your scrutiny. [A pause.] But you do remind me of Sylvain sometimes, and not just because you make inappropriate jokes that aren't funny. I don't see what good it does to pretend. Maybe it makes you feel better, but nobody else.

Nope. Myself included. [Claude smiles slightly at him.]

Oh, so you think other people would feel better if I slumped around being miserable all the time, moaning about the secrets I can't share with them? I think being as cheerful as I can and not dwelling on it is a service to the people around me, frankly. At the worst, it doesn't change anything, but at best, it makes me way better company and less of a wet blanket over problems no one can do anything about.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That's not what I said. It's not because you're smiling, it's because you're...gloating. Silently. It's the way you look at people. Like you know everything and you're lording it over everyone.

[He shrugs.]
And I like you much better when you're not doing that.

[Claude's expression turns more serious.] I mean, I might do that about some secrets and some information, sure. Knowledge is power, and with power comes confidence. But...that doesn't apply to secrets about myself, Felix. Hiding who you really are, never being able to be truly honest or confide in even the people closest to you, always never having the freedom to just do or say what it is you want or think or feel because everything has to be a carefully considered calculation...none of that is fun, Felix. And the game isn't worth the candle just for some sense of superiority. And what's there to be smug about, anyway? Making yourself miserable just to make other people look a little less informed?

It's hard work with no personal payoff to me, that I'm doing because I have to. I'm not going to sit here and listen to how you hate me for all the fun you imagine I'm having. That's a little too much to ask of me, okay? I'm not saying you have to like me keeping secrets from you, I don't know why you would, but...you don't get to chalk up what you don't like about it to something that's just not true.

You're doing it again. I never said I hated you. If I hated you, I wouldn't bother speaking to you.

You act like I would be able to tell the difference between hiding things about yourself and hiding anything else. You're constantly playing games with people, you can't complain when they can't figure out when you're being sincere and when you're not.

[Claude arches an eyebrow.] If you admit you can't even tell that much about me, then why were you declaring what I must be thinking and feeling when I talk about my secrets with such authority? My problem isn't with you not understanding me - like you said, when I'm not honest with people, that's just an occupational hazard. My problem is with you coming to the wrong conclusions about me and making accusations about things that aren't true. You don't have to understand me to not make assumptions.

I think my similarities with Sylvain have confused you into thinking you can read me as well as someone you've known your whole life.

[Felix glances down at the bedsheets, thoughtful.]

...huh. You might be right.

[His gaze returns to Claude's face.]

Give me a way to get to know you that has nothing to do with your secrets, then.

[That gets a slight smile from Claude.] Oh, is this not doing it for you, then?

[He has another point, Felix. The two of them have been getting to know each other already, talking like this. In fact, they're probably become more friendly now after an hour's talk than they ever became in their entire year or so at Garreg Mach.]

No. [It's blunt, but then his brow furrows, realizing that doesn't explain much.] I mean, yes, but I still don't know anything about you. Like...things you enjoy or foods you hate or...whatever. I don't know.

Well, you could just ask me questions in a list, but honestly that's kind of boring, isn't it? [Claude grins.] Maybe you'll just have to settle for getting to know me gradually as we spend time together, the way friends do.

That would be boring.

[He blinks at Claude.] You want to spend time with me? Why?

Why do you want to get to know me better? [Claude smiles and shrugs.] I like you. And I like spending time with you. So I want more of those things. It's really not that complicated - no mystery there at all.

Oh.

[He considers that.]

I like you, too. So I guess that makes sense.

So - sound like a plan, then? [Claude tilts his head, smiling.] Only maybe we'd better start tomorrow. I could use some more sleep, and frankly I got pretty drunk before I crashed tonight so I'm really going to hate myself in the morning as it is.

What? Were you hungover this whole time? You don't look hungover. You still look--

[Stupidly attractive.]

--fine.

[Claude winks.] When you've got a man like Count Gloucester hovering behind you like a vulture, waiting to pounce on the first sign of weakness or incompetence to try to discredit and usurp you as leader of the Alliance...let's just say you get very good at looking put together all the time. I do feel like I managed to sleep a lot of it off before you woke me up, though, to be fair...and Grant was with me while I was drinking. He made sure I had food in me and drank lots of water, which he said would help.

[Felix huffs.] That's ridiculous. You shouldn't have to deal with that from him. Or anyone. Especially after you've been keeping the Alliance safe and intact for five years. He should be grateful.

Grant, huh? He seems reliable. But we both need more sleep. So I'll see you tomorrow. [He doesn't get up yet, though.]

[Claude bursts out laughing.] Hah! Count Gloucester, grateful? To me? I've been half expecting him to send assassins for years. He wanted my grandfather to die without an heir, and to take over the leadership of the Alliance when he did. He'll resent me until the day I die for popping up with such suspicious convenience, and I don't think any amount of accomplishments on my part will ever change that. He's trusted me even less than anyone else...although, to be fair, I think he'd have tried to call anyone in my place into question, if they were the obstacle to his ambitions. My being genuinely mysterious actually gave him a halfway decent excuse to doubt me at every opportunity.

[Claude's eyes twinkle at Felix.] That said...I'm flattered you appreciate me and my accomplishments, at the very least.

[Felix feels his face flush again and tries to ignore it.]

The Alliance sounds awful. Derdriu is nice, though. I've been there a few times. It's not far from Fraldarius, across the water.

I appreciate your accomplishments. Whether or not I appreciate you remains to be seen. [He smirks.]

Oh, the Alliance is a great place if you're not running it. [Claude chuckles.] But we've got our fair share of stupid, petty, self-serving nobles, just like anywhere else. The main difference is that, unlike in Faerghus where the king gets to make the decisions and the nobles can only weigh in to varying degrees, and you may not have to see the worst of them more than a few times a year...in the Alliance, you have to deal with them all the time, and whenever you need to make a decision of any significance you have to somehow convince at least the majority of them to sign off on it. And if it's a big enough decision, you need unanimous agreement. It's like trying to thread a haystack through a needle.

[He winks at Felix.] Well, in any case, you'll probably appreciate me a lot more on a decent night's sleep. Weren't you going to bed?

(no subject)

bestswordmaster - 2020-12-17 12:40 (UTC) - Expand