Felix listens, and listens, and listens, without interrupting. For once, he's not even a little exasperated at how much Claude is talking, because any of those words could be the key to making some sense out of the hazy mess of feelings and thoughts in his mind.
He is tempted to interrupt once, when Claude tells him to think before he speaks and consider better ways to say things. That's easy for Claude to say, when he can read people like books and somehow predict their reactions. Felix can't even figure out why people are saying the things they're already saying, let alone things they haven't said yet. How the hell is he supposed to know what the right thing is to say to the right person?
But he puts that thought aside for now as Claude goes on. And finally, finally things start to become clearer. There's a part of him that wants to protest, to argue against the assertion that he's not up to the task of finding god and making it submit to his will, but the more rational part of his mind agrees that of course the plan is ridiculous and Sylvain definitely knows it.
The word 'faith' gets Felix scowling, though he still doesn't interrupt. Faith. What good has faith ever done? Besides leave him defenseless when his world fell apart over and over again, knocking him off his feet every single time because he dared to believe. He believed that Glenn was the strongest person he knew and could overcome any foe. He believed that Dimitri would be the same person when he came back from Duscur as he was when he left. He believed that his father, for all his flaws, was a great warrior who would live to be a pain in Felix's ass until he was old and gray. He even believed in the Goddess' will, once upon a time, until it became obvious to him that the Goddess didn't give two shits about any of them. When enough beliefs were shattered, he had to rely on what seemed realistic instead if he didn't want to shatter with them.
And Claude acknowledges that faith is difficult, that hope is terrifying, but how many times does he think Felix can take watching his hopes disintegrate in the Eternal Flames?
Felix is silent for a little while after Claude is finished. True to his lover's expectations, he hasn't looked up to meet his eyes once this whole time, and he still doesn't yet. So Claude's solution really does boil down to having faith in himself, huh? He's been fighting his whole life for enough strength to protect those he loves, but he's never known how to do it this way. He's forced to admit to himself that his heart is as weak as his sword arm is strong. Why else would he try so hard for so long to push the very people he wants to protect away from him? Tactically unsound at best, just as Seteth said. His defenses may once have been sufficient to keep that weak heart from breaking completely, but they've been wearing thin ever since--no, even before he arrived in Johto.
They've been wearing thin ever since Dimitri found himself again in Fhirdiad.
Eventually, Felix raises his head to look at Claude. "You're right," he says quietly, "about almost everything. You compared our situation here to the fear of mortality at home. And you say I need to have faith in myself not to stay a coward forever. But I don't. Because the way I avoided that fear then was to let myself feel as little as possible. Keep everyone at a distance and focus on what was in front of me. Training. Studies. The war. As long as there was another battle to fight, another technique to learn, then I could put my emotions aside for the sake of progress."
That's as long as he can take meeting Claude's gaze; his own shifts a little to focus on the air just beside his Gear. "And I don't think I was wrong to do so. Not while the Empire still stood. Emotions have no place on the battlefield or in the war room. They'll have no place in governance, either. Here, with all of you, I've...let my guard down. I don't regret it. And I want to believe I could do it again, I just...don't know how to train my heart to be strong enough for that belief. And until I do believe it, I won't give Sylvain empty words."
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Date: 2021-03-18 08:31 am (UTC)He is tempted to interrupt once, when Claude tells him to think before he speaks and consider better ways to say things. That's easy for Claude to say, when he can read people like books and somehow predict their reactions. Felix can't even figure out why people are saying the things they're already saying, let alone things they haven't said yet. How the hell is he supposed to know what the right thing is to say to the right person?
But he puts that thought aside for now as Claude goes on. And finally, finally things start to become clearer. There's a part of him that wants to protest, to argue against the assertion that he's not up to the task of finding god and making it submit to his will, but the more rational part of his mind agrees that of course the plan is ridiculous and Sylvain definitely knows it.
The word 'faith' gets Felix scowling, though he still doesn't interrupt. Faith. What good has faith ever done? Besides leave him defenseless when his world fell apart over and over again, knocking him off his feet every single time because he dared to believe. He believed that Glenn was the strongest person he knew and could overcome any foe. He believed that Dimitri would be the same person when he came back from Duscur as he was when he left. He believed that his father, for all his flaws, was a great warrior who would live to be a pain in Felix's ass until he was old and gray. He even believed in the Goddess' will, once upon a time, until it became obvious to him that the Goddess didn't give two shits about any of them. When enough beliefs were shattered, he had to rely on what seemed realistic instead if he didn't want to shatter with them.
And Claude acknowledges that faith is difficult, that hope is terrifying, but how many times does he think Felix can take watching his hopes disintegrate in the Eternal Flames?
Felix is silent for a little while after Claude is finished. True to his lover's expectations, he hasn't looked up to meet his eyes once this whole time, and he still doesn't yet. So Claude's solution really does boil down to having faith in himself, huh? He's been fighting his whole life for enough strength to protect those he loves, but he's never known how to do it this way. He's forced to admit to himself that his heart is as weak as his sword arm is strong. Why else would he try so hard for so long to push the very people he wants to protect away from him? Tactically unsound at best, just as Seteth said. His defenses may once have been sufficient to keep that weak heart from breaking completely, but they've been wearing thin ever since--no, even before he arrived in Johto.
They've been wearing thin ever since Dimitri found himself again in Fhirdiad.
Eventually, Felix raises his head to look at Claude. "You're right," he says quietly, "about almost everything. You compared our situation here to the fear of mortality at home. And you say I need to have faith in myself not to stay a coward forever. But I don't. Because the way I avoided that fear then was to let myself feel as little as possible. Keep everyone at a distance and focus on what was in front of me. Training. Studies. The war. As long as there was another battle to fight, another technique to learn, then I could put my emotions aside for the sake of progress."
That's as long as he can take meeting Claude's gaze; his own shifts a little to focus on the air just beside his Gear. "And I don't think I was wrong to do so. Not while the Empire still stood. Emotions have no place on the battlefield or in the war room. They'll have no place in governance, either. Here, with all of you, I've...let my guard down. I don't regret it. And I want to believe I could do it again, I just...don't know how to train my heart to be strong enough for that belief. And until I do believe it, I won't give Sylvain empty words."