The embrace is as much a surprise as it is a relief; Felix wouldn't be hugging him if he was on the verge of storming out, so maybe things aren't as bad as Claude thought they were. He leans into the other man, closing his eyes against the sting behind him.
Knowing that Felix isn't ready to storm out with the next miscalculated thing he says...it makes him more willing to risk trying again.
"I'm not trying to take it all on," he murmurs. "Just...the same amount I always have. I can't just...suddenly stop helping you guys because I let myself fall apart. If you guys need my support, then I don't have that luxury. And if you're fine without it, like it makes no difference if I suddenly stop helping...then what was my help ever worth?" He exhales. "But - I know that's not the case. You guys have said I've helped, and I thought I had. So you can't tell me it's going to be fine if I just suddenly turn useless right when things are extra hard for everyone. I know that's not true."
He hesitates for a moment before he speaks. "As for why I'm not supposed to feel as much as the rest of you...it's because I'm Almyran. Even this much back home - I'd look pathetic. It wouldn't just make my people think less of me, it'd make me look like a weak and unfit king. It'd undermine my authority. It'd make me look more like a poor excuse of an Almyran than I already do to them, because Almyrans aren't like this. This wouldn't even slow down a real Almyran. And I can't afford to be...not Almyran enough. Not even just for appearances, or being able to feel like like I actually belong in the country I was born in, but because it just gives ammunition to the people who want to kill and supplant me as king. Which is a lot of Almyrans still. The weaker I look, the more danger I'm in. And I know I'm not in Almyra now, but - it's always with me. And even if it wasn't, I'm never going to live up to their standards if I just accept falling short of them because no Almyran is watching."
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Date: 2021-02-22 09:30 am (UTC)Knowing that Felix isn't ready to storm out with the next miscalculated thing he says...it makes him more willing to risk trying again.
"I'm not trying to take it all on," he murmurs. "Just...the same amount I always have. I can't just...suddenly stop helping you guys because I let myself fall apart. If you guys need my support, then I don't have that luxury. And if you're fine without it, like it makes no difference if I suddenly stop helping...then what was my help ever worth?" He exhales. "But - I know that's not the case. You guys have said I've helped, and I thought I had. So you can't tell me it's going to be fine if I just suddenly turn useless right when things are extra hard for everyone. I know that's not true."
He hesitates for a moment before he speaks. "As for why I'm not supposed to feel as much as the rest of you...it's because I'm Almyran. Even this much back home - I'd look pathetic. It wouldn't just make my people think less of me, it'd make me look like a weak and unfit king. It'd undermine my authority. It'd make me look more like a poor excuse of an Almyran than I already do to them, because Almyrans aren't like this. This wouldn't even slow down a real Almyran. And I can't afford to be...not Almyran enough. Not even just for appearances, or being able to feel like like I actually belong in the country I was born in, but because it just gives ammunition to the people who want to kill and supplant me as king. Which is a lot of Almyrans still. The weaker I look, the more danger I'm in. And I know I'm not in Almyra now, but - it's always with me. And even if it wasn't, I'm never going to live up to their standards if I just accept falling short of them because no Almyran is watching."