vrdantwind | IC Inbox

goddess are you ever NOT smug?
it was
good.
we had a talk.
about the war and
oh.
I should probably tell you in case he mentions anything.
I told sylvain about the war.

Wait, you mean about his future? What happens?

yes.

So, now he's pretty much caught up to your version of current events, I guess?

Have you really not considered how much that could change things? What if, say, he decides to protect Rodrigue for your and Dimitri's sakes?

Stop putting words in my mouth. That's not what I said. It's not because you're smiling, it's because you're...gloating. Silently. It's the way you look at people. Like you know everything and you're lording it over everyone.

[He shrugs.]
And I like you much better when you're not doing that.

what difference does it make?
dimitri knows about it already too.
besides.
even if we didn't come to derdriu
you would figure out another way to save it.
but you're talking like everything else is the same in that situation.
even you can't predict every little thing that would change.
by the time we got to gronder maybe everything would be completely different.
weren't you the one who said you can't analyze things without information?

[Claude's expression turns more serious.] I mean, I might do that about some secrets and some information, sure. Knowledge is power, and with power comes confidence. But...that doesn't apply to secrets about myself, Felix. Hiding who you really are, never being able to be truly honest or confide in even the people closest to you, always never having the freedom to just do or say what it is you want or think or feel because everything has to be a carefully considered calculation...none of that is fun, Felix. And the game isn't worth the candle just for some sense of superiority. And what's there to be smug about, anyway? Making yourself miserable just to make other people look a little less informed?

It's hard work with no personal payoff to me, that I'm doing because I have to. I'm not going to sit here and listen to how you hate me for all the fun you imagine I'm having. That's a little too much to ask of me, okay? I'm not saying you have to like me keeping secrets from you, I don't know why you would, but...you don't get to chalk up what you don't like about it to something that's just not true.

I mean, I hedged my bets as much as I could at Derdriu already. Sent the civilians out on boats so that they wouldn't get caught up in the battle, had our forces split so the bulk of them could cut and run if the Kingdom's army didn't show to complete our pincer attack. But I didn't have any other cards in my hand, Felix. If the Kingdom didn't show up, Derdriu was going to fall. I bet everything on that, including my life and the lives of my soldiers in the city. So it would've meant the deaths of Judith from House Daphnel, Hilda, and whoever else would be crazy enough to throw themselves between the Imperial army and me.

I know I've never shied away from risky plays and big gambles, but do you really think I'd take the long shot of trusting you guys would take Fhirdiad, before you even reached the capital, and then trusting even further that the Kingdom would come bail me out - led by a Dimitri who'd been half-feral the last time I saw him, by the way - if I had any less risky plans? Plans that were more likely to be successful? I went with the best chance I had.

You're right in that I can't predict the ripple effects, of course. If things do change, maybe I'll have other options. But I didn't have any then. And that success was such a long shot to begin with that I don't like just casually banking on the hope that oh, it's fine, we'll figure out another way!...and I think I like it even less when other people are making my bets for me.

Still, what's done is done. Maybe it's already too late to cling to that path to the future, the way things are going.

You're doing it again. I never said I hated you. If I hated you, I wouldn't bother speaking to you.

You act like I would be able to tell the difference between hiding things about yourself and hiding anything else. You're constantly playing games with people, you can't complain when they can't figure out when you're being sincere and when you're not.

[Claude arches an eyebrow.] If you admit you can't even tell that much about me, then why were you declaring what I must be thinking and feeling when I talk about my secrets with such authority? My problem isn't with you not understanding me - like you said, when I'm not honest with people, that's just an occupational hazard. My problem is with you coming to the wrong conclusions about me and making accusations about things that aren't true. You don't have to understand me to not make assumptions.

I think my similarities with Sylvain have confused you into thinking you can read me as well as someone you've known your whole life.

[Felix glances down at the bedsheets, thoughtful.]

...huh. You might be right.

[His gaze returns to Claude's face.]

Give me a way to get to know you that has nothing to do with your secrets, then.

making me keep secrets from my friends is no better.
you're not the only one affected if things change, you know.
but dimitri's already nowhere near the complete disaster he was at gronder.
by the time we get back he'll have improved more.
sylvain is so early in the war that with what he knows he can change the whole course of it.
telling them seems like it can only make things better.

[That gets a slight smile from Claude.] Oh, is this not doing it for you, then?

[He has another point, Felix. The two of them have been getting to know each other already, talking like this. In fact, they're probably become more friendly now after an hour's talk than they ever became in their entire year or so at Garreg Mach.]

...you know, even as concerned as I am, I have to concede you could be right. The Dimitri I saw after his match today...I don't know if it was just a product of his being so sleepy his brain was shut off, but he's definitely completely different than at Gronder. So if those changes stick when we go back...he will be better off. And if they don't, well, we're no worse off than we were when things worked out the way they did the first time.

Maybe I'm so used to having fallback plans and hedging my bets and preparing for the worst that it's hard to believe there could be a scenario where things can only improve.

So what's your instinct, then? Just...share everything we know with each other, and let the cards fall where they may from there? Although by 'we', I guess I mean 'I', since I'm the only holdout at this point.

No. [It's blunt, but then his brow furrows, realizing that doesn't explain much.] I mean, yes, but I still don't know anything about you. Like...things you enjoy or foods you hate or...whatever. I don't know.

Well, you could just ask me questions in a list, but honestly that's kind of boring, isn't it? [Claude grins.] Maybe you'll just have to settle for getting to know me gradually as we spend time together, the way friends do.

That would be boring.

[He blinks at Claude.] You want to spend time with me? Why?

Why do you want to get to know me better? [Claude smiles and shrugs.] I like you. And I like spending time with you. So I want more of those things. It's really not that complicated - no mystery there at all.

Oh.

[He considers that.]

I like you, too. So I guess that makes sense.

So - sound like a plan, then? [Claude tilts his head, smiling.] Only maybe we'd better start tomorrow. I could use some more sleep, and frankly I got pretty drunk before I crashed tonight so I'm really going to hate myself in the morning as it is.

I don't know.
do whatever you want.
I told sylvain because
of personal reasons.
it wasn't strategic.
there were things he deserved to know.
if something is important for them to know then tell them.
if not then don't.

What? Were you hungover this whole time? You don't look hungover. You still look--

[Stupidly attractive.]

--fine.

This may shock you, Felix, considering I've only told you about five times now, but: I only keep secrets when there's a reason for it. So if it's something I haven't told you guys, you can probably gather it's important.

Tell you what, though - you've won me over this far. If you can get Dimitri into a genuinely good mental place - as in, well-rested, relatively happy, seems like he can handle surprising news okay - I think I can afford to tell you guys what's happened since the victory at Derdriu. It's not what I'd call bad news - just significant with a capital S. So it's important Dimitri can handle it. But as you said, things are getting better. So maybe there's no harm and some good that can come out of us all being on the same page.

I'm not making any promises about anything else. I was holding off on these secrets because of how it might affect our going back home, and Dimitri's mental state, and how it might affect the war. You've presented a decent argument that I don't have to worry about that stuff. My personal secrets, though...I've got different reservations about those.

[Claude winks.] When you've got a man like Count Gloucester hovering behind you like a vulture, waiting to pounce on the first sign of weakness or incompetence to try to discredit and usurp you as leader of the Alliance...let's just say you get very good at looking put together all the time. I do feel like I managed to sleep a lot of it off before you woke me up, though, to be fair...and Grant was with me while I was drinking. He made sure I had food in me and drank lots of water, which he said would help.

[Felix rolls his eyes at the Gear.]

that's not what I meant.
I meant personally.
but that is a good plan.
though it may shock you claude
considering I've only told you about five times now
but I don't care about your personal secrets.

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