vrdantwind: (If I'm right here with you)
Claude von Riegan ([personal profile] vrdantwind) wrote2020-12-14 02:58 am

IC Inbox



"Hey, this is Claude! Pretty sure I'm doing this correctly. You can leave me a message here, and I'll get to it as soon as I can. Talk to you soon~."
bestswordmaster: (postskip distress)

cw: mention of suicidal ideation

[personal profile] bestswordmaster 2021-03-11 03:57 am (UTC)(link)
Felix listens quietly. And as he suspected, most of what Claude has to say makes sense. It sounds rational and sensible. But...it's a little too rational and sensible.

"You're making a lot of assumptions. Our jobs after the war will be harder, not easier. At least while we're fighting, Sylvain and I are...we see each other every day. War is simple. Everything is clear. When it's over, I'll be in over my head, hundreds of miles from both of them with a territory to rebuild and angry nobles to appease and--there's no way in hell I'll have a spare moment to think about any of this. To...to feel anything. ...I won't want to."

And isn't that the real reason he never said anything to Sylvain? It wasn't fear of rejection, not really. It was the same reason he used to keep everyone at a distance back at the academy; the same reason he always convinced himself that love and romance were distractions he couldn't afford. Getting shoved into his father's role to take care of the post-war mess of a suddenly united continent isn't going to make that better.

"And Sylvain...he told me himself, Claude. That if he had to go back to Gautier, he would..." His voice and his breath both catch in his throat and he sets the Gear down to lean it against the lamp the second he feels his hands start to tremble. Goddess, he wishes Claude were here in person, and he feels pathetic for needing that just to have a damn conversation. He forces the words out in a rough almost-whisper, without looking the other man in the eye. "He would find an excuse to fall to a Srengi blade. I've seen that look in his eye before on the battlefield. The closer we get to the end of the war, the more often I see it."

He clenches both hands into fists in his lap. Claude makes it all sound so easy, but he knows, he knows it never is. Felix shouldn't be telling him these things, shouldn't be slicing himself open and bleeding his feelings out like this. Not because he doesn't trust Claude with them, but because they're not all his to tell, and Claude hardly needs more to worry about than he already has. But he can't just pretend to accept a reassurance he doesn't believe in.

"Being forced to treat with you at some diplomatic function I can't stand isn't going to help, either."

Felix digs his fingers into his hair, trying to breathe in deeply and making a low, frustrated noise on the exhale. "Obviously, you're right. Living for the present is the only thing that makes sense. But...I don't know what Sylvain said to you when you told him all this, but he's barely spoken to me all day. He's...thinking too much. It feels like he's going to take off again any minute and--I don't know what to do or say to help him. And don't tell me to just 'be there for him' or 'give him time' or some other useless nonsense. Sylvain...if I can't keep my promise to fight for us and I leave him to his thoughts, he'll drown in them."
bestswordmaster: (eyes closed)

[personal profile] bestswordmaster 2021-03-11 04:31 am (UTC)(link)
Inda gives Claude a sleepy little wave and a faint smile of greeting, or perhaps gratitude. Once Claude has settled in the bed, Varley rises from her place curled up on the floor to paw at the button to turn the lamp off, before padding around the bed to lick Sylvain's face a few times and returning to her spot.

Felix sighs quietly, relaxing just a little. But he's moving again soon enough, rolling carefully over to wrap his arms around Claude, too, tucking his own head under the other man's chin.

"Thank you," he murmurs. "Good night, Claude."
bestswordmaster: (eyes closed)

[personal profile] bestswordmaster 2021-03-11 04:55 am (UTC)(link)
Felix scowls. "I never said that. Don't put words in my mouth. I meant here and now, without you and Dimitri here. But if that's how he responded to you this morning, then I am the only one who's failing him."

Just like he failed Dimitri for all those years. Just like he failed to reconcile with his father until it was too late. If he's the only one who can't help Sylvain, what kind of a husband will he make?

"It's not--I'm not so arrogant as to think that I'm the only one who could do anything. Far from it. I just...I just have to do something. If I can't, then what am I even doing here?"
fingersandteeth: (harmless)

[personal profile] fingersandteeth 2021-03-11 05:56 am (UTC)(link)
Mm. It's complicated. I didn't go to war or anything. I did become a more dangerous person.

I don't think my essential, core self is that very different, save that I was a broken man when I came here and by the time I returned, I'd managed to repair myself as much as possible. It's just-- behaviors, I guess.

I suppose one way to explain it was that as a young man, as a member of a minority population that often experiences institutionalized discrimination--and as one who is fairly solidly built besides--I developed habits of body-language built around... well. Minimizing the space I took up. Making myself appear smaller. Non-threatening.

I was still doing that when I was first here and when I fell asleep in Armin's houseboat. I'd stopped doing that in those six years I was home, not the least because my position in my community of survivors *relies* on me being able to present myself as a threat if need be--and over those six years I'd amassed a good deal of skills to back it up.

Now I catch myself going back to those old habits and it's very frustrating.
Edited (Taking code OUT for once) 2021-03-13 13:02 (UTC)
nastyboy: (all icons courtesy of azuremoon) (I only trust Felix as far as I can throw)

[personal profile] nastyboy 2021-03-11 07:16 am (UTC)(link)
[Dimitri can't help but smile against Claude's hand, and it takes quite a bit of personal effort to pull away from his lover's hand.]

Then I suppose I should stop. I would not want to make you feel worse, after all.
uncutetomboy: (thinking | memories of the times)

[personal profile] uncutetomboy 2021-03-12 08:29 am (UTC)(link)
ranma is complicated? that's why i've been using 'them' for ranma lately [Or rather 'that person' but translation effect.] but i don't know what ranma would prefer these days

them seems safest
bestswordmaster: (postskip look away)

[personal profile] bestswordmaster 2021-03-12 11:36 pm (UTC)(link)
"Anything." Felix frowns, knowing that's not really an answer but not having much of anything else to offer. "I don't know, just--never mind. Forget it."

Wait--

"--fuck, no, I didn't mean that. It's not you, you're...ugh. I just...need to make things better instead of worse. I don't know how. Not with this kind of thing."

For a few short weeks, Felix could wake up every morning and see something that's been rare for most of their lives: a genuinely happy smile from Sylvain. If those few weeks were it, if that time is over, Felix doesn't want it to be because he's taking his own unhappiness out on Sylvain. The way he's always done, to everyone.

"I'd rather say nothing than drag him down further."
bestswordmaster: (postskip concerned)

[personal profile] bestswordmaster 2021-03-18 08:31 am (UTC)(link)
Felix listens, and listens, and listens, without interrupting. For once, he's not even a little exasperated at how much Claude is talking, because any of those words could be the key to making some sense out of the hazy mess of feelings and thoughts in his mind.

He is tempted to interrupt once, when Claude tells him to think before he speaks and consider better ways to say things. That's easy for Claude to say, when he can read people like books and somehow predict their reactions. Felix can't even figure out why people are saying the things they're already saying, let alone things they haven't said yet. How the hell is he supposed to know what the right thing is to say to the right person?

But he puts that thought aside for now as Claude goes on. And finally, finally things start to become clearer. There's a part of him that wants to protest, to argue against the assertion that he's not up to the task of finding god and making it submit to his will, but the more rational part of his mind agrees that of course the plan is ridiculous and Sylvain definitely knows it.

The word 'faith' gets Felix scowling, though he still doesn't interrupt. Faith. What good has faith ever done? Besides leave him defenseless when his world fell apart over and over again, knocking him off his feet every single time because he dared to believe. He believed that Glenn was the strongest person he knew and could overcome any foe. He believed that Dimitri would be the same person when he came back from Duscur as he was when he left. He believed that his father, for all his flaws, was a great warrior who would live to be a pain in Felix's ass until he was old and gray. He even believed in the Goddess' will, once upon a time, until it became obvious to him that the Goddess didn't give two shits about any of them. When enough beliefs were shattered, he had to rely on what seemed realistic instead if he didn't want to shatter with them.

And Claude acknowledges that faith is difficult, that hope is terrifying, but how many times does he think Felix can take watching his hopes disintegrate in the Eternal Flames?

Felix is silent for a little while after Claude is finished. True to his lover's expectations, he hasn't looked up to meet his eyes once this whole time, and he still doesn't yet. So Claude's solution really does boil down to having faith in himself, huh? He's been fighting his whole life for enough strength to protect those he loves, but he's never known how to do it this way. He's forced to admit to himself that his heart is as weak as his sword arm is strong. Why else would he try so hard for so long to push the very people he wants to protect away from him? Tactically unsound at best, just as Seteth said. His defenses may once have been sufficient to keep that weak heart from breaking completely, but they've been wearing thin ever since--no, even before he arrived in Johto.

They've been wearing thin ever since Dimitri found himself again in Fhirdiad.

Eventually, Felix raises his head to look at Claude. "You're right," he says quietly, "about almost everything. You compared our situation here to the fear of mortality at home. And you say I need to have faith in myself not to stay a coward forever. But I don't. Because the way I avoided that fear then was to let myself feel as little as possible. Keep everyone at a distance and focus on what was in front of me. Training. Studies. The war. As long as there was another battle to fight, another technique to learn, then I could put my emotions aside for the sake of progress."

That's as long as he can take meeting Claude's gaze; his own shifts a little to focus on the air just beside his Gear. "And I don't think I was wrong to do so. Not while the Empire still stood. Emotions have no place on the battlefield or in the war room. They'll have no place in governance, either. Here, with all of you, I've...let my guard down. I don't regret it. And I want to believe I could do it again, I just...don't know how to train my heart to be strong enough for that belief. And until I do believe it, I won't give Sylvain empty words."
lovelybottom: (fuck?)

[personal profile] lovelybottom 2021-03-19 02:48 pm (UTC)(link)
Opened a field guide of Redania at random. First thing on the page was a roach.
Edited 2021-03-19 14:48 (UTC)
fingersandteeth: (stiff)

[personal profile] fingersandteeth 2021-03-19 08:07 pm (UTC)(link)
[... Steven is maybe going to guess Grant, but only because he's also not white.]

Not *only*, but so much more often than with other people. And it's just-- it's irritating. When I find myself slipping into my old habits of holding myself, it's *irritating*. And frustrating.

I've been thinking about *why* I do it and I wonder if I'm responding to people's expectations of me too. Not even necessarily conscious ones? But when you get to know someone, you start expecting them to act a certain way. Just, well, consistent with how they have before. If someone starts suddenly holding themself differently, you'd notice right? It would be really weird, wouldn't it?


[A thought strikes him and Steven swears out loud.]

My first time here, one of my best friends was a man named Tyler, about your age. We were from the same world, even though we never met each other there. I know now that he went to university with my friend Gil back home, but the first time I was here, I hadn't met Gil yet.

But here's the thing: Tyler hates when people change on him.

And here's the other thing: technically, I came back here once during the six years I was away. It was a weird weekend, the first one, and I didn't *remember* being here before at that time. It happened *months* before I even fell asleep and got 'canon updated.' But I did encounter myself as I am now (technically myself as I was a year ago from my perspective) and I remember the old me being a mix of envious and jealous of the me I am now, because he seemed like he had everything together in a way that I didn't--though I suppose it went both ways, as me a year ago envied the old me for being happily in love, not realizing how shaky a foundation that love rested upon. Basically, the entire thing was timeline shenanigans and a complete headache for both old me and me-a-year-ago.

The point is, me-a-year-ago ended up encountering Tyler and he *hated* me almost instantly, because I wasn't the Steven he expected me to be, but some new and different asshole.

Tyler disappeared about a week after I got back from my 'canon update.' I hadn't had a chance to have a real talk with him since said update? Honestly, I'd been dreading doing it. And then it never happened. Because he was gone.

And I just realized, just now, that possibly the whole Tyler thing has a *lot* to do with why I feel tempted to slip back into the old me with people I used to know.

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