vrdantwind | IC Inbox

*Oh*. You're right, we were talking at cross-purposes. Acknowledging that he wasn't in his right mind when he made those decisions isn't a bad thing to do, no. It won't change the fact that he did them, but it'll help him remember that he won't necessarily be liable to repeat them without those particular traumatic circumstances.

You're also right that everything with Jack does loom large in my mind, which I'm still a bit frustrated about. For me, it's been six, nearly seven years, but as soon as I woke up on Armin's houseboat in this world again, it was almost as if nothing had changed but me. I can only credit it to getting my memories of this world back--and of course, the entire mess with Jack had been entirely on my mind when I fell asleep on Armin's houseboat.

Just-- being messed up about Jack was my past self's problem. Why is it still mine? Is it just that I'm angry at myself for putting in more effort than he ever did? Is it that I'm still furious at how even at my lowest point, hurting someone I loved would be break me and he did it without even realizing it was *wrong*? I remember being terrified of him before I went home, because if he could (and would and did) hurt people he loved for power, then *I* certainly wasn't safe--the only reason I wasn't terrified when I woke up was that I'd had all those years of sharpening my skills that I was reasonably sure that I could easily defend myself from him, at least on a physical basis. Maybe I just still feel like I was played for a sucker in every aspect of our relationship.

In a way, I got out of a very messy break-up by him disappearing while I was asleep. In another way, I never got the closure I needed, even if it would have come with our hands around each other's throats.

(I'm sorry. I really didn't mean for this to turn into another round of me ranting about my ex- that I've had trouble getting over. That this happens with *all* my significant exes makes it worse, not better.)

Edited 2021-03-01 07:10 (UTC)

Felix will hear a huff from Sicily as he heads out. It's aimed more at his fellow pokémon - look, you spooked the human now.

Claude, meanwhile, looks up in slight surprise when Felix pops out of his room. "Hey - was I taking that long?" His assumption is that Felix got impatient, and that's why he ducked out rather than waiting any longer.

Speaking of blissful torment... [Claude sighs, fingers lightly shifting to brush against Dimitri's cheek.] I don't mind waiting until you're ready, if that's what you need, but how am I supposed to behave with the things you're doing to me...?

Felix looks up, too, blinking. "What? No. Your Zoroark turned into you and I think Arbiter tried to bless me, and they were all staring at me. I had to get out of there."

Now that Claude's mentioned it, though-- "Are you ready yet?"

If Dimitri and Grant are still around, he pays them no mind, doesn't even look at them. He's not in the mood for any further commentary or gratitude or pity. He'll...talk to Dimitri tomorrow, maybe. He can't handle any more of this tonight.

[Snapping out of it, Dimitri blinks up at Claude.]

...I'm doing something?

[He hadn't noticed.]

Please, let's not compare Felix to Geralt. [He says as he wrinkles his nose. A bit hypocritical of him, considering his brain has done the same comparison already... but he's been working on shutting those down, okay!!!] And indeed, that's the gist of it. You can try telling him so next time you see him, but I'm afraid he won't take you seriously. He still doesn't even believe me.

[Which frustrates him a bit sometimes. He knows you can't heal trauma overnight, but after 22 years? Jaskier thinks Geralt could at least show some trust in his compliments for the witcher.

But yes, Jaskier is happy to shift topics as well. And he brightly laughs at Claude's comment - which is absolutely right.]

Of course we will! But that doesn't mean we can't favour some preferences over others, does it? [He winks as well as he stands up and proceeds to put on his cloak and grab his bag. His order was paid when it was made, so he's ready to go.] Have you looked around in the "internet" or are you going in completely blind? We visited one of these shops soon after we arrived merely to satisfy our curiosity and I must say, it's impressive how this technology allows so many different things to vibrate.

[There's one macaron left on the plate so before leaving, Jaskier grabs it, snaps it in half and offers one half to Claude... by putting it on his lips.

Look. This world is open about relationships, Jaskier wants to bask in that feeling, alright?]

Learning under the tutelage of the best in their craft is, indeed, a unique experience worth fighting for. But it says something about you that you've managed to achieve the second-best title in the land (and therefore, *the* best of your generation) WITHOUT their teachings. So less sighing over opportunities missed and more bragging. That other class never stood a chance against you, with or without a teacher.

Nobody on this kingdom, be person or animal, is more high-maintenance than myself. Bring him, and let him talk. I shall have some fun with his fussing, mayhap show him what happens when someone tries to out-talk us.

[Talking more than Jaskier or Claude is forbidden, signed: the sanity of Johto.]

Edited 2021-03-03 02:36 (UTC)

Hah! You'd think, wouldn't you? But that'd only be true under normal circumstances. Despite what you'd think for someone teaching students, Teach was maybe only a couple years older than us, so I'd still say they're my generation - which means I'm still only second best, no matter how you slice it.

(I know, it's weird. The archbishop of the church back home, who was also in charge of the officers' academy - she basically drafted Teach to the teaching staff on a whim after Teach helped us three house leaders fight off a bandit attack. It was all pretty mysterious, and I still wish I knew what she was thinking...but she's been missing ever since the academy fell during the very first major attack of the civil war, so I'll probably never get to know.)

But don't worry, I'll bring Dimitri.

[The message comes into Claude's inbox that night, around the time Felix thinks he and Dimitri would have stopped traveling and made camp.]

hey.
what do you know about arceus?
and whatever other powers that be exist here.

That's it exactly! That's what I want him to understand. The actions were monstrous enough, but his mental state was so altered that it wasn't because he is himself inherently monstrous. He'd never do those things in his normal state of mind, so he shouldn't treat his everyday self as a monster. If anything, he's just a man who has lapsed into monstrousness when he's been pushed too far, which...honestly, I wonder if everyone isn't like that. Surely we all have our breaking points, past which all logic and ethics may well break down? We just haven't all been pushed to it.

If you're saying you had one of those 'canon update' things Dirk talks about, like Jane had where she went to sleep for a week or so and then woke up after having lived for some longer amount of time back home...well, that sort of makes sense, in a way. A lot of time back home passed for you, but no real time passed for you here, did it? A week in time that you weren't awake for, at most. So...why would the stuff with Jack, here, feel like it happened in your past? From your perspective here, it's still very recent. If you'd been living all that time here, dealing with Jack and the place where your relationship with him had happened, then maybe you'd be over it, or at least further along in getting over it. And you're saying Jack disappeared while you were gone, right? So you never got closure...but you didn't know you'd never get that closure until you came back here. You've only had since waking up to deal with being denied that. I'm guessing that's been a lot less time than the six or seven years you spent back home.

Waking up here again must have been like being dropped right back into the thick of that specific part of your life, with no warning. Of course that's going to affect you. It'd be weirder if it didn't.

Do you think this stuff keeps breaking into unrelated conversations with other people because you don't have specific times or people to talk with this about? I'm just saying that maybe if you accommodate your obvious need to discuss these things in specific times and ways, you can at least direct how and when the outbursts happen. When dams keep breaking, then channels are the next best option.

Claude stares at Felix for a moment, blinking, and then...manages to laugh a little. He's definitely improved from before, just by that alone. "I mean, Jadoube uses her illusions sometimes to look and sound human when she wants to communicate something, but I can't say what exactly she or Arbiter were up to. Sorry they were being weird at you, though."

He steps forward to take Felix's hand. "But I'm ready. Or as ready as I'll ever be. I do...hate seeing Sylvain like that, but I shouldn't let that keep me away from him. Or make you have to deal with it all on your own. I'm sure you don't like it any better than I do."

Oh, Dimitri. [Claude sighs with fond mock exasperation.] Your lips against my skin like that...who wouldn't find it incredibly enticing? But I'm supposed to behave, aren't I? [He smiles.] A part of me, the part of me that knows you're not ready to take this any further and feels teased, wants to complain...but there's also a part of me that never wants you to stop.

[He knows he has to spell this out rather plainly for Dimitri. The man's too good at being oblivious.]

Not too much, although I looked up what I could find on Arceus after the holidays. There just doesn't seem to be a whole lot known about it for certain...which isn't surprising, I guess, considering we don't exactly know a whole lot about the Goddess for certain back home, and Arceus is apparently on the same level as a god.

Which is, really, what I've gathered. Arceus is some sort of creation god who apparently created everything. I find it pretty interesting that in this world, the god is a pokémon...and even humans consider that their god. What's more, it doesn't really seem to be the center of any religion I can find...and there don't seem to be religions with opposing beliefs of gods or spirituality, either. The belief in Arceus seems both monolithic and strangely secular - all the more so compared to our own world.

Why do you ask?

Felix doesn't have it in him to smile back, but the fact that Claude is laughing seems like a good sign. "I think they were trying to thank me. Which is ridiculous considering--never mind."

He clings to Claude's hand a little more than he'd have liked as they make their way back down the hall. "...you're right. I don't. That's why I came to your room in the first place."

Felix unlocks the door--apparently he locked it, even for the brief time he thought he would be gone--and pushes it open, going inside. Inda's awake now and she's thoughtfully turned on a lamp so that Felix wouldn't return to the dark room he left, not having bothered to turn on any lights himself.

"Thanks, Inda," he mutters, moving to the bed to pat her leaves. Stee, is her quiet response, from where she's curled up on top of Sylvain's chest, and--

And yes, there's Sylvain, exactly where Felix left him: lying on his back on his side of the bed. Felix could almost convince himself that the other man is merely asleep like normal, and that when he lies down, Sylvain will stir and turn to pull him close and mutter something unintelligible. But he's been in and out of the bed all day, and he knows that won't happen.

So he climbs onto the bed and pulls the covers back for Claude, sliding as close to Sylvain as he reasonably can to make room, still sitting up for now. In his mind's eye, he can see Sylvain looking up at him and opening his arms wide the way he always does when he wants to cuddle. Felix doesn't do that, but he does hold a hand out to Claude in invitation.

because
if arceus is a pokemon
and it's the one who controls when we come here and when we go home
then there must be a way to contact it
and I need to.

I mean, the thing is that I *do* have someone I should talk to this about. I've got a friend who basically volunteered to serve as my ad hoc therapist since summer. I see him for a few hours around noon every Wednesday. I just-- haven't been talking to him about *that* so much, because a lot of what I'd been doing with him was reconstructing myself from what was left after *I* broke, which was some time before I came here the first time.

(I think you're right that everyone has a point at which they're broken. I know when mine was.)

But yes. I did have one of those 'canon updates' as Dirk calls them and since then it's been-- difficult. Mostly because I changed in quite a few ways in those six years and with most people I met before I 'updated' I sometimes feel the unconscious pressure to revert to the younger self they'd be more familiar with in their company. There's a few exceptions, such as with Thace, but for the most part it's a thing. That might be why I enjoy talking to you and your friends. You've never known the old me.

To do what? Or is that a stupid question?

[Felix types out several beginnings of a response and deletes them all, before finally just video calling Claude instead. He's sitting on the edge of the bed in the room he shares with Sylvain at the hotel in Ecruteak, although if Claude catches a glimpse of anything beyond him, all their things are packed already. There's the faint sound of water running in the background, and Felix looks tired.]

Sylvain said he told you about what happened. While he was at home. That he didn't remember anything, and we all...went our separate ways. Right?

[Claude switches to video as well, frowning at his screen. He looks a bit worn down himself, but more worried for Felix than distressed himself.] Yes, he did. I had a few things to say about how bleak he believed that makes our futures, too. You look like you could do with hearing some of those things yourself.

I'm guessing your sudden interest in Arceus is related to this somehow?

[Of course Claude would have things to say about that. Felix has no doubt that they're perfectly reasonable things, too. But he told Sylvain he would fight, and he told Sylvain he would never let him down, and he intends for both of those to remain true.]

It is. I'm going to make sure it never sends us home in this lifetime.

[Dimitri's face goes a little pink. It sounds obvious when he puts it like that.]

Oh. I see.

[...And then, just a little shyly, he nuzzles Claude's palm some more.]

I have known of some oral traditions to be remarkably well preserved through generations, that's a discussion you'd likely prefer to have with the bard. It is something of his wheelhouse.

[When talking about stories and songs that get passed down from person to person, it's probably best to consult with the person whose literal job it is to make said stories and songs. Jaskier would have studied this kind of thing at Oxenfurt, though Geralt has no idea how much of it he retained; the witcher is aware that Jaskier spent, for instance, his geography courses with a demijohn of vodka hidden behind the textbook. And this is why he doesn't consult Jaskier for directions.]

[Claude named his horse Wyvern and his wyvern Horse. Geralt, a man who has named every single horse he's owned after a fish, finds this amusing.]

One of my brothers has named all of his horses Horse. All of mine are named after a fish. I would have little room to criticize your naming conventions.

yeah i guess. ranma always rises to the occasion when that happens to them

[Now Akane feels bad that she hasn't been using everyone who's drifted into town as a goad to improve her martial arts.]

There...could be worse things than living out a lifetime here before being sent home to our own place and time to pick up the things we need to where we left off. [In point of fact, Claude had idly considered this possibility when he'd first found out people could spend years here, and then go home presumably unchanged by the passage of time in this world. If it would be possible to live an entire life here, and then go home and live out their original intended life at home. It almost seems like cheating, in a way, even if it's not something any of them asked for or have control over...or maybe it's more like reincarnation of a very unique kind.

Whatever it is, Claude had concluded that didn't sound too bad well before all of this. It seems current events have forced others to consider it, too...albeit more urgently than he had. Claude hadn't known that their memories would leave them upon going home, at the time...though in retrospect, he supposes it only makes sense. The easiest and best way to slot them back into their lives back home is to return them entirely unchanged, and that would logically extend to mental and emotional changes, too.]

But Felix...even if you somehow manage to find the god of this world, you know you can't make demands of it. I know what you want and why you want it, and I wouldn't mind having it either, but...you're setting yourself an impossible goal just to have something to work for, and something to promise. That's not really tackling the problem so much as running from it.

[Felix scowls, but only because he knows Claude is right, and even though this is frankly why he wanted to talk to Claude in the first place--to get a new perspective on all of this, one not mired in messy, incomprehensible feelings--in the moment he still hates that Claude can see through him so easily.]

There is no other way to tackle the problem, Claude. I told Sylvain I would fight. I have to. I have to because the version of myself in Fodlan is too much of a brainless fucking coward to do it. And if we go home, then...

[Felix drops his gaze, glaring at something off to the side.]

Then I won't even know you.

[It's obvious to Claude that this stuff has been stewing in Felix's mind all day; he didn't even have to do any prying for it to come spilling out.]

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I think this one is good to wrap up?

MAYBE unless Jaskier has a Reaction to Claude correcting a misconception here! Otherwise we good~

2/27 - the day Sylvain woke up and chip ran off

(Please no overt references to not remembering VR during canon updates to avoid pime taradoxes btw)

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understood!

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