vrdantwind | IC Inbox

Yes, well, I thought they would lead into one another - we can get into the specifics of that in a moment.

[LISTEN HE'LL GET THIS RIGHT ONE WAY OR ANOTHER]

[For now - talks of death!]

Well, I have thought of it often. In Faerghus, after all, it is nearly a given that you will die of either illness, or in battle, and often you hope for at least the latter. [Death by plague... Dimitri was too young to remember most of it, just the immediate aftermath, and it was spoken of in shudders, in grimaces of pain.]

[A terrible way to go.]

To live to an old age... That would be nothing less than a miracle. And yet it was something I often wondered, when I thought back to my father, to Glenn and countless others. When I am not haunted by my own phantoms, by the idea of responsibility and duty to the dead, I wonder how they would have rather I last saw them. What memories would they have rather I carry with me, rather than a blade falling through my father's very neck?

[so this wedding conversation is going great]

I am biased, of course, with my memories of my father being that of a young child - maybe our relationship would have become different if I could have grown up besides him, and he began to treat me as an adult. But I wonder... if perhaps he would have rathered a happier parting. If my final memories could have been of him smiling, and laughing, as he so often did when I was young.

Of course, here in this place, it is not death that would take us, I know, and there is a good chance I would see you all again - Sylvain left and then returned, as did Dedue.

Yet that base idea is similar, I think. The idea of the last memories we shared together. I want them to be vibrant, and happy, and with no regrets.

.........So how does one propose to a lover in Almyra?

[yeah lets finish like that]

[Ohhh boy. This is...a lot. Claude takes a deep breath, just...thinking over his response for a minute.]

Dimitri...it's not like I don't get where you're coming from. I do. I'm sure you have the same kind of regrets I do about Sylvain and Felix and Byleth disappearing, wishing you could have seen them off better. Had your last memories of them here be more meaningful. Told them goodbye.

But...that's how things go here. It can happen anytime, to any of us, can't it? But that's true whether or not we live in fear of what tomorrow will bring. And I think if we'd spent all our time with them dreading those losses, living as though each day with them was going to be our last...our memories of them would actually be worse. All of them tinged with fear and melancholy. That's not how things should be. That's not how people should live.

I do want to marry you, Dimitri. But not because I'm afraid you won't be here tomorrow. I don't want you marrying me just so you have something to hold onto when I'm gone. I want you to marry me because that's how you want to spend the days when you're still with me. If I'm going to marry anyone, it'll be out of love and joy, not fear and despair.

So if that's why you're asking this question...I'm honestly not inclined to answer it. You're not asking for the right reasons.

....And here I had thought that I had managed to lean my thoughts in a more positive direction.

[Dimitri sighs, but doesn't argue. Marriage isn't something that should be forced; he's a believe in that if nothing else.]

Then, I apologize, Claude. For placing such a troublesome question on your shoulders.

The question's not troublesome, Dimitri. [Claude lifts a hand to cup his cheek.] Like I said, I'm anything but uninterested. But marriage is about spending the rest of our lives together, not about speculations of 'what if one of us dies tomorrow?' I get why that's where your head is right now, but...I think we can do better than that. I think we deserve more than that.

Faerghus is pretty dark when it comes to death. But Almyra laughs and celebrates in the face of it. I can tell you that much about our respective cultures.

I cannot imagine what you mean about Faerghus being dark, Claude, when it produces such cheery individuals such as Felix and myself.

[Yes, he is poking fun at his own kingdom, he's the heir to it, he can do that. He can also nudge his face right into Claude's palm, eye slipping shut.]

...When would be a good time that we would deserve, then? Because I admit to also wanting to wed all of you.

Wow, you said it with a straight face and everything. [Claude grins.]

But...I don't know. I don't think the time is wrong, necessarily, just the driving motivation. If you came to me an hour from now and could tell me you wanted to marry me because you want to spend the rest of your life with me, as opposed to you wanting to marry me today because you think I'll be gone tomorrow, and mean it? I'd say yes. But...just some desperation proposal on the spur of the moment doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel like you.

[Dimitri droops, perfectly puppy for a moment.]

I'd been thinking on it for days, and thought that good enough, especially with wanting to marry you from the start.

I suppose I'm not fixing my bad habits after all.

[Claude strokes his cheek.] Well, Faerghus and the Tragedy...they certainly prepared you for the idea of losing the people you love. It's not surprising that has a strong grip on you.

But if you wanted to marry me from the start, Dimitri...what did you need everything else for? Thinking of death and making memories and things like that? Even in Faerghus, you can't tell me that kind of talk is normal for what amounts to a marriage proposal.

And you've come a long way in all kinds of bad habits, نور چشمم. Not being perfect all the time doesn't erase that.

That's why that wasn't the marriage proposal, Claude. [Dimitri super doesn't pout at him.] I was going to plan that out much better... This was research.

[He's trying to plan things out, bless his heart]

And honestly, I suppose I didn't need it, but, rather... I thought I'd realized what was holding me back after all this time of hesitating in the relationship between us.

I suppose that's fair...although at the same time, it's pretty impossible to ask a question like that without announcing your intentions. I always pictured that being the point of a proposal, but then again - we come from completely different backgrounds. Between my own parents' engagement being pretty sudden, and Almyra's being worlds more informal than Faerghus, it couldn't be more different from how things are done among Faerghus nobility. I mean, Ingrid was engaged to someone she didn't even choose herself from when she was a little kid, now that I think about it. You must be accustomed to entering into formal planning for marriages years in advance, with their being political arrangements first and romance as a kind of optional bonus.

[Now that Claude's recovering from the shock, he's able to more properly consider not just Dimitri's question, but the context of where it - where Dimitri - is coming from. This is just another element of how painfully restrictive nobility in Fodlan is, isn't it? Sylvain and Felix hadn't followed the trends, but then both of them hated Faerghan traditions, and they'd grown up with a bit more freedom to reject those traditions than the crown prince himself.

Dimitri, in considering how Almyra does weddings at all, is already being far more progressive than he was ever taught to be by anyone. If it lacks some of the spontaneity and romance Claude might have expected by his defaulting to planning before, say, proposing - well, those expectations are a little unfair to Dimitri. He's doing his best, isn't he? And the fact that he wants to marry Claude - and there are no doubts to be had that it's purely for love - should be what really matters.

So he smiles, reaching up to cup Dimitri's cheek with one hand.] I'm sorry, Dimitri. I just realized I was kind of expecting you to do things like an Almyran even before you asked how Almyrans do things. Even I'm not immune to only seeing things through the lens of my own culture, I guess.

[Still, he can't help cocking an eyebrow at that last remark of Dimitri's.] Oh? And what's been holding you back? The fear of losing me?

Oh, yes - Ingrid's initial marriage was planned quite young indeed, although it had the benefit of two families on very good terms behind it. It went far more quickly and smoothly than it would have normally.

But - ha. [His smile twists wryly.] The only reason that my own marriage was not decided similarly was because my uncle seemed rather loathe to get involved in the matter, and Rodrigue seemed to field things in that subject to the best of his ability, similar to Felix.

[He would pass things along, on occasion, much like Dimitri suspects he let Felix know of people who were interested in courting him so officially, but...]

I cared hardly for such matters, in truth. I felt I had more important goals to focus on, but I knew that, upon my graduation from the academy, it would be impossible to avoid. I still hadn't quite figured out how to deal with it all, in truth... But I had little expectations.

[For revenge, for reform, for restitution - it would be easier for many to swallow if he simply married dutifully with a heir or many on the way. One less scandal, one less thing to raise a fuss over. One less worry for a kingdom that had already gone through the terrible loss of its royal family.]

[And then the war had broken out.]

[Dimitri hadn't even been sure he would live for five years; marriage seemed even more a foolish prospect than ever.]

[Still - he will never turn away Claude's touch, and he tilts his head into it, eye slipping shut.] You hardly need apologize, love. I too would have preferred it to be more of a surprise, but I had thought I would fumble such a thing if I only went off of my assumptions. Best... to trade in the delight of surprise, for the pleasure of something done thoroughly.

[A proposal lasts but a moment. The wedding? That can go on for much longer.]

[Especially according to what Dimitri knows of Almyran feasts.]

[He turns his face to Claude's palm, nose nuzzling there against his fingers.]

Mm, in a manner of speaking. But, to be more exact... It was my fear of ruining things. Of - doing something terrible, that would unbalance us all.

In some ways, it is shameful. I have been here for some years, now, and yet I still feel, in some part of myself, like the thing which crouched in the chapel of Garreg Mach and thought myself too monstrous to join in revelry, or meals, or anything. A creature good only for combat. In many ways, I understand that this is a falsehood I feed myself.

And yet it does not leave. [A soft sigh, against Claude's skin.] I would look upon our relationship, whole and gathered about in a home, and think that it would be wretched of me to ask for more. That, surely, a misstep would have it all shattering in my hand, for how close was it to falling apart at times? Perhaps this was the view of a pessimistic mind - [you know, the massive depression and tag along anxiety] - and yet I still thought it. I thought that, were I to be too selfish and ask for more, I would throw it all into disarray.

Better to be content like that, rather strive selfishly for more.

[Because the last time he had so much, the last time he had been happy without a care in the world... It had all been robbed from him - once, and then twice again.]

Yet it occurred to me that - perhaps that is a foolish thing of me to do. Perhaps... If I become so closed in on myself, I will lose precious chances.

Even when trying to hold back to avoid doing the exact same.

Edited 2023-05-08 07:29 (UTC)

You mean you were worried I might not be properly enchanted if you gifted me with a dagger? [Claude's eyes have regained some of their sparkle; they really are starting to emerge from their grief, for that to be back.

Also, while it's no surprise that someone ratted that story out to him at some point, the question is who told him. Sylvain or Felix are honestly both equally likely.]

I get where you were coming from, Dimitri, and I don't actually disagree with your logic. But for what it's worth - there's no way someone I love could come to me and tell me they wanted to be with me forever, expressing their love the best way they knew how, that wouldn't mean the world to me. Especially if it was you. With how far you've come, and how hard you try? Even if you made some kind of misstep, I could never hold it against you.

[He gently pulls Dimitri down so they can rest their foreheads together.] I love you, with all my heart. And marrying you, getting to be with you for as long as we can, as fully as we can...that means more to me than any of the details of how it happens.

[This kind of earnestness has been coming to him, oddly, easier and easier the more he loses. But Dimitri's got it right, doesn't he? Refusing to go all in doesn't make them any richer, and losing the opportunity to do so...even without having made as full a commitment as they could have, it's still a loss. Not just of what they had already invested, but the opportunity cost of what they hadn't.]

As for your fears...I can't judge you for those. In my own way, I guess I've been holding back for different reasons, but with the same outcome. Not afraid I'd ruin things, but afraid I can't trust them. Like if I edge out too far onto the ice, it'll give way under my feet. But if a man afraid of breaking things can reach out his hand for something more...then I think the man afraid of trusting people doesn't have any excuse not to learn to be a little braver.

[Must everyone know of that tale]

[Dimitri's cheeks grow a rosy pink at it being recalled, and he tries to duck his head down just a bit.] It is a perfectly fine gift. Very practical, with an indepth and romantic meaning.

[IT'S SO ROMANTIC, OKAY]

[But for all his embarrassment, Dimitri doesn't fight Claude's pull at all. He follows it gladly, nudging there against his lover's forehead and letting those words sink down into him gently, like a balm filling all the cracks.]

Even so. I would want to make it special for you.

[Something that is composed of both of them, that represents both of them. Something with true time put into it.]

[Well, if Claude says he would be fine with anything... Dimitri smiles again, opening his eye to look at him.]

I would not say if it has anything to do with bravery; a part of me wondered if I was not simply taking lessons I had taken to heart when I was on my own for five long years. But, if that is what we have both decided on - then, tell me, Claude, of Almyran traditions.

I will hold of on a proper proposal for a while yet - it will take me some time to get the proper items regardless - but I still would like to hear anything you could tell me.

Of course it is. [Claude grins mischievously.] Do you think I'm the sort of guy who'd scoff at foreign traditions just because they're not familiar to me? Although I guess people from your own country tease you about it, too...so maybe it's not just a cultural thing.

[Not that he gets any closer to the subject than he already has. Thoughts of Felix and Sylvain...they still ache. Better not to think about them too directly.

So instead, he smiles as Dimitri asks his question again, closing his eyes.] Well, I've already told you a number of the ways Almyra is a meritocracy, haven't I? If you can prove your strength, prove your worth, that tends to mean more than the circumstances of your birth. It's why, despite my being hated for only being half-Almyran, it's still possible that I can win my people over if I prove my skill as a king. It's why class and titles aren't as important as achievements in my country, compared to Fodlan where even people like Acheron or Count Gloucester are elevated and, to some degree, respected - not because they've earned their positions or proved worthy of them, but simply because they were born into them. It's why people tend not to care so much about what you do as how well you can do it.

"Proposals in Almyra are usually about showing your worth, as well. Generally, an Almyran looking to get engaged will go out and seek glory in some fashion - winning a competition or a tournament, earning distinction in a battle, bringing home some big trophy from a raid or a hunt, maybe even just creating something magnificent for their intended. Something that shows, usually in dramatic fashion, that they're someone capable, someone worthy of the love of the person they want to marry. Then, after they've made their demonstration, they propose. Sometimes after acceptance the person who's been proposed to will try to match their fiance's feat. There's various reasons people do it - showing how they're a match of equals, wanting to demonstrate that their fiance made the right choice because they're just as worthy themselves, forging a deeper bond through their shared experiences, pure bravado. It's kind of an optional part of the tradition, though. Whoever's getting proposed to...well, in Almyran society, it's kind of accepted that if another Almyran admires you enough to want to marry you, and is trying to prove themselves worthy of you, that in itself demonstrates that you're worthy of those feelings."

[shut up shut up shut up - Dimitri's face can't go more red.]

I have told Sylvain it is classic.

[So.... Outdated, maybe. Archaic.]

[But at his heart, Dimitri is a simple soul who used to like hearing fairytales, and has carried that feeling towards telling children of the very same that he grew up with. It can't be helped, really.]

[So it should be no surprise that Dimitri takes in all that he can hear of Claude's words, thinking carefully on it all.]

Showing one's worth... Well, as romantic as it would be to propose to you atop the Elite Four's mountain, I suppose I should seek something else.

[And he thinks he already has a bit of an idea...]

[Claude can't help laughing at that.] Honestly, that would be a pretty perfect example of the kind of achievement an Almyran would want to display to the person they wanted to marry. I won't complain if you've got something better in mind, though.

[That bright curiosity is already in his eyes. What are you planning, Dimitri? He both doesn't want to spoil the surprise for himself, and yet totally does.]

[Honestly. Dimitri huffs, bumping his head against Claude's.]

And just who, exactly, was scolding me not that long ago on ruining the surprise of a proposal?

I know, I know! That's why I didn't actually ask! [Claude's grinning.] I'm just thinking about asking. I'm being very well-behaved, all things considered.

Claude von Reigan, Prince Khalid of Almyra...

[Dimitri tilts his head, and boops their noses together.]

I am not sure if you are capable of ever being well behaved.

Well... [Claude grins.] Relatively. You've got to admit that sometimes I'm worse than others, right? Maybe you're just setting your standards for good behavior too high.

Oh, am I? [Dimitri grins right back, and lowers his voice in that way he knows Claude likes.] Or perhaps you are just too eager to be naughty.

Well, maybe I am. [Claude does like that shift in Dimitri's voice, and sidles right up to Dimitri, batting his lashes in a way he knows Hilda would applaud.] But it's not like you don't like it when I'm naughty, is it...?

I think I could hardly like it more than you.

[But that isn't exactly a denial, is it, especially when Dimitri leans towards him in turn to kiss him.]

[Claude grins into the kiss, slipping his arms around Dimitri's neck as he pulls him closer. When the kiss breaks, he gives Dimitri his best fake innocent look. (Which is to say, it's his best look of intentionally false innocence.)] What's my incentive for behaving, again...?

Most would say the act of being good itself is rewarding, but you seem to be incredibly greedy and prone to mischief regardless. [Dimitri thunks their heads together.]

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