Oh, yes - Ingrid's initial marriage was planned quite young indeed, although it had the benefit of two families on very good terms behind it. It went far more quickly and smoothly than it would have normally.
But - ha. [His smile twists wryly.] The only reason that my own marriage was not decided similarly was because my uncle seemed rather loathe to get involved in the matter, and Rodrigue seemed to field things in that subject to the best of his ability, similar to Felix.
[He would pass things along, on occasion, much like Dimitri suspects he let Felix know of people who were interested in courting him so officially, but...]
I cared hardly for such matters, in truth. I felt I had more important goals to focus on, but I knew that, upon my graduation from the academy, it would be impossible to avoid. I still hadn't quite figured out how to deal with it all, in truth... But I had little expectations.
[For revenge, for reform, for restitution - it would be easier for many to swallow if he simply married dutifully with a heir or many on the way. One less scandal, one less thing to raise a fuss over. One less worry for a kingdom that had already gone through the terrible loss of its royal family.]
[And then the war had broken out.]
[Dimitri hadn't even been sure he would live for five years; marriage seemed even more a foolish prospect than ever.]
[Still - he will never turn away Claude's touch, and he tilts his head into it, eye slipping shut.] You hardly need apologize, love. I too would have preferred it to be more of a surprise, but I had thought I would fumble such a thing if I only went off of my assumptions. Best... to trade in the delight of surprise, for the pleasure of something done thoroughly.
[A proposal lasts but a moment. The wedding? That can go on for much longer.]
[Especially according to what Dimitri knows of Almyran feasts.]
[He turns his face to Claude's palm, nose nuzzling there against his fingers.]
Mm, in a manner of speaking. But, to be more exact... It was my fear of ruining things. Of - doing something terrible, that would unbalance us all.
In some ways, it is shameful. I have been here for some years, now, and yet I still feel, in some part of myself, like the thing which crouched in the chapel of Garreg Mach and thought myself too monstrous to join in revelry, or meals, or anything. A creature good only for combat. In many ways, I understand that this is a falsehood I feed myself.
And yet it does not leave. [A soft sigh, against Claude's skin.] I would look upon our relationship, whole and gathered about in a home, and think that it would be wretched of me to ask for more. That, surely, a misstep would have it all shattering in my hand, for how close was it to falling apart at times? Perhaps this was the view of a pessimistic mind - [you know, the massive depression and tag along anxiety] - and yet I still thought it. I thought that, were I to be too selfish and ask for more, I would throw it all into disarray.
Better to be content like that, rather strive selfishly for more.
[Because the last time he had so much, the last time he had been happy without a care in the world... It had all been robbed from him - once, and then twice again.]
Yet it occurred to me that - perhaps that is a foolish thing of me to do. Perhaps... If I become so closed in on myself, I will lose precious chances.
Even when trying to hold back to avoid doing the exact same.
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But - ha. [His smile twists wryly.] The only reason that my own marriage was not decided similarly was because my uncle seemed rather loathe to get involved in the matter, and Rodrigue seemed to field things in that subject to the best of his ability, similar to Felix.
[He would pass things along, on occasion, much like Dimitri suspects he let Felix know of people who were interested in courting him so officially, but...]
I cared hardly for such matters, in truth. I felt I had more important goals to focus on, but I knew that, upon my graduation from the academy, it would be impossible to avoid. I still hadn't quite figured out how to deal with it all, in truth... But I had little expectations.
[For revenge, for reform, for restitution - it would be easier for many to swallow if he simply married dutifully with a heir or many on the way. One less scandal, one less thing to raise a fuss over. One less worry for a kingdom that had already gone through the terrible loss of its royal family.]
[And then the war had broken out.]
[Dimitri hadn't even been sure he would live for five years; marriage seemed even more a foolish prospect than ever.]
[Still - he will never turn away Claude's touch, and he tilts his head into it, eye slipping shut.] You hardly need apologize, love. I too would have preferred it to be more of a surprise, but I had thought I would fumble such a thing if I only went off of my assumptions. Best... to trade in the delight of surprise, for the pleasure of something done thoroughly.
[A proposal lasts but a moment. The wedding? That can go on for much longer.]
[Especially according to what Dimitri knows of Almyran feasts.]
[He turns his face to Claude's palm, nose nuzzling there against his fingers.]
Mm, in a manner of speaking. But, to be more exact... It was my fear of ruining things. Of - doing something terrible, that would unbalance us all.
In some ways, it is shameful. I have been here for some years, now, and yet I still feel, in some part of myself, like the thing which crouched in the chapel of Garreg Mach and thought myself too monstrous to join in revelry, or meals, or anything. A creature good only for combat. In many ways, I understand that this is a falsehood I feed myself.
And yet it does not leave. [A soft sigh, against Claude's skin.] I would look upon our relationship, whole and gathered about in a home, and think that it would be wretched of me to ask for more. That, surely, a misstep would have it all shattering in my hand, for how close was it to falling apart at times? Perhaps this was the view of a pessimistic mind - [you know, the massive depression and tag along anxiety] - and yet I still thought it. I thought that, were I to be too selfish and ask for more, I would throw it all into disarray.
Better to be content like that, rather strive selfishly for more.
[Because the last time he had so much, the last time he had been happy without a care in the world... It had all been robbed from him - once, and then twice again.]
Yet it occurred to me that - perhaps that is a foolish thing of me to do. Perhaps... If I become so closed in on myself, I will lose precious chances.
Even when trying to hold back to avoid doing the exact same.