I'm fortunate in that sexuality wasn't as much of an issue where I'm from, although I had other things I had to worry about. That said, for most of my life the things that made people perceive me in ways I could have done without...well, they weren't things I could change about myself at all. So I personally never really worried about trying to fit in so much as I worried about doing what I could to impress, or charm, or outright deceive if necessary. Anything to make people more congenial...or at least more malleable.
That said, old habits die hard. Old survival habits die even harder. It's hard to kill something when its sole purpose is staying alive. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it too much.
Anyway, rather than trying to get rid of the habit, have you tried making the habit superfluous? Something that doesn't feel necessary is much easier to set aside. So instead of trying to stop yourself from trying to accommodate your acquaintances' expectations, figure out what it would take for you to become so comfortable around them that you don't feel any concern about how they're looking at you. I mean, I feel like for anyone who you'd be willing to be your real self around, you'd have to trust them, right? (And obviously for those you don't trust, it's fine to keep tailoring the image you want them to have of you.) But I get the feeling that perhaps you don't trust those people enough to be natural around them yet. So maybe you need to figure out what's holding you back there. I'm guessing, for instance, that you don't have this issue with Thace, because if you trust anyone at all, I'm sure it's him.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2021-04-06 07:37 am (UTC)That said, old habits die hard. Old survival habits die even harder. It's hard to kill something when its sole purpose is staying alive. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it too much.
Anyway, rather than trying to get rid of the habit, have you tried making the habit superfluous? Something that doesn't feel necessary is much easier to set aside. So instead of trying to stop yourself from trying to accommodate your acquaintances' expectations, figure out what it would take for you to become so comfortable around them that you don't feel any concern about how they're looking at you. I mean, I feel like for anyone who you'd be willing to be your real self around, you'd have to trust them, right? (And obviously for those you don't trust, it's fine to keep tailoring the image you want them to have of you.) But I get the feeling that perhaps you don't trust those people enough to be natural around them yet. So maybe you need to figure out what's holding you back there. I'm guessing, for instance, that you don't have this issue with Thace, because if you trust anyone at all, I'm sure it's him.