Claude sighs. "I remember awhile ago," he murmurs, "I was talking to Dimitri. I think it was when he tried to go swimming after Grindy. He was saying he should be able to fix his own problems, so he wouldn't be a burden to anyone else. I told him friendship doesn't work like that - that it's more comparable to leaning pieces of wood up against each other, and finding the delicate balance where their leaning on each other is actually what keeps both pieces upright. Mutual support, you know?" He shakes his head. "And I told him that's important to figure out, because he can't stand all on his own the way he could if he leaned on us...but that if he falls over completely, he can't help any of us. This feels like - I'm failing my own advice in that regard. But maybe it's because I wasn't thinking of more than two pieces of wood at a time."
He heaves another, deeper sigh. "But even if you guys can pick up my slack, and it's okay as far as that goes...I don't know how not to feel useless because of it. And I can't not know how many people would look at it, either - how short I'm falling. Even if I let myself fall apart, or just worry about myself first...I don't think I can not feel worthless if I do. So it just feels like...I'm just choosing what way I want to bleed, not that there's an option that'll help me stop I should be choosing."
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Date: 2021-02-22 07:18 pm (UTC)He heaves another, deeper sigh. "But even if you guys can pick up my slack, and it's okay as far as that goes...I don't know how not to feel useless because of it. And I can't not know how many people would look at it, either - how short I'm falling. Even if I let myself fall apart, or just worry about myself first...I don't think I can not feel worthless if I do. So it just feels like...I'm just choosing what way I want to bleed, not that there's an option that'll help me stop I should be choosing."