Talking to Felix about this really is helping. Realizing that Felix already understood, that he's not really having that much different of a reaction from the others, and Felix helping him to put words to it - it's made it easier to talk about, less something to hide or be ashamed of. Though it's more than that, really; Dimitri and Grant had been helping him a lot, too. But...he'd needed it from Felix specifically. Dimitri had been right. Not because Felix is any more special than the others, necessarily, but because Felix had been the one Claude had felt rejected by, and useless to. Because Felix had been the one Claude thought would scorn his feeling this way, when Claude feels as if Felix is the one who has more right to these emotions than he does. Because Felix is the one who looks down on emotions and vulnerability so much that he's the one Claude felt as though would have no patience for his - perhaps because of Felix's unintentional similarity, in many ways, to Almyran warriors.
(Granted, Felix's standards on emotions and vulnerability usually only apply to himself. But Claude hasn't yet had many chances to see how he reacts to it in others - or in Claude himself, specifically.)
Dimitri and Grant had helped Claude as much as they could, but they couldn't have reassured any of his doubts or fears in regards to Felix. That had been something only Felix could do. And, likely to the surprise of everyone, not least of which is Felix himself...he kind of has.
That doesn't mean every reservation on Claude has loosed its grip, though.
"I can't afford it because I can't hold things together if I'm breaking down." Claude sighs at the fingers through his hair. This is honestly more tender than he can ever remember Felix being with him, and he won't deny it feels good. "That's more important now than ever, and I'm the best at it out of all of us. Mediating things with you and Sylvain, dealing with Dimitri and Grant's low self-esteem, keeping people's spirits up, talking sense into them...you know what I'm talking about. I'm practically always doing something like that. But if I let myself fall apart...I can't do any of that. Sylvain can do some of it, too, but...he's not around to do it right now. It's just me. Who's going to make things better if I don't?"
That last question...well, Claude's lived his life by that question for a long time.
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Date: 2021-02-22 03:11 am (UTC)(Granted, Felix's standards on emotions and vulnerability usually only apply to himself. But Claude hasn't yet had many chances to see how he reacts to it in others - or in Claude himself, specifically.)
Dimitri and Grant had helped Claude as much as they could, but they couldn't have reassured any of his doubts or fears in regards to Felix. That had been something only Felix could do. And, likely to the surprise of everyone, not least of which is Felix himself...he kind of has.
That doesn't mean every reservation on Claude has loosed its grip, though.
"I can't afford it because I can't hold things together if I'm breaking down." Claude sighs at the fingers through his hair. This is honestly more tender than he can ever remember Felix being with him, and he won't deny it feels good. "That's more important now than ever, and I'm the best at it out of all of us. Mediating things with you and Sylvain, dealing with Dimitri and Grant's low self-esteem, keeping people's spirits up, talking sense into them...you know what I'm talking about. I'm practically always doing something like that. But if I let myself fall apart...I can't do any of that. Sylvain can do some of it, too, but...he's not around to do it right now. It's just me. Who's going to make things better if I don't?"
That last question...well, Claude's lived his life by that question for a long time.