If Claude looks as though that's the last thing he'd expected to hear, that's because it is. It takes him a moment to even process the idea of what it is Felix is really suggesting(marginally complicated by the confusion of Felix asking him; he'd thought Felix was angry with him and didn't want him around. Why ask Claude? Dimitri had been right there - but perhaps Dimitri isn't close enough to being a Sylvain substitute).
But when it really sinks in...he realizes what a bad idea it is. On multiple levels. The most significant level, however, is that Sylvain's lack of responsiveness - Claude's not sure if the feeling it provokes in him is horror or grief, or if perhaps there's no real distinction between the two. But the feeling of lying with him on his and Felix's bed, wanting nothing more than to hear his voice or see him open his eyes or to be able to be held by him and being absolutely unable to have those things...in his own way, he can't handle that any better than Felix can. (Even if he doesn't quite realize that's a large part of the motive behind Felix's making this request of him.) In some ways, perhaps, he thinks he'd handle it worst. He's not sure he could keep his composure...and that's the last thing he wants Felix to see. Not only would that undercut every reassurance Claude had tried to offer by demonstrating how unsure Claude is in any of it, the struggle he has believing his own words, thereby making things worse for Felix...but what right does he have to lose it like that? Felix hasn't broken down, and he's Sylvain's fiance. Felix - all of the others - have frankly endured far worse losses than Claude ever has. And Claude can't even hold it together when his boyfriend goes to sleep for a week or so? Felix is the one who should have to take care of him when Felix's fiance is unconscious?
It's selfish. It's pathetic. And if anyone would think that, would be made angry by it...it'd be Felix. (And, the back of Claude's mind whispers, literally any Almyran. This should be nothing for him, and he's falling apart.)
"I can't," he says, the refusal spilling out of him without even the time to figure out how to pretty it up. But maybe there is no way to pretty it up. What excuse could he come up with that'd be good enough? That wouldn't make Felix just as angry as a flat rejection?
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Date: 2021-02-21 12:06 am (UTC)But when it really sinks in...he realizes what a bad idea it is. On multiple levels. The most significant level, however, is that Sylvain's lack of responsiveness - Claude's not sure if the feeling it provokes in him is horror or grief, or if perhaps there's no real distinction between the two. But the feeling of lying with him on his and Felix's bed, wanting nothing more than to hear his voice or see him open his eyes or to be able to be held by him and being absolutely unable to have those things...in his own way, he can't handle that any better than Felix can. (Even if he doesn't quite realize that's a large part of the motive behind Felix's making this request of him.) In some ways, perhaps, he thinks he'd handle it worst. He's not sure he could keep his composure...and that's the last thing he wants Felix to see. Not only would that undercut every reassurance Claude had tried to offer by demonstrating how unsure Claude is in any of it, the struggle he has believing his own words, thereby making things worse for Felix...but what right does he have to lose it like that? Felix hasn't broken down, and he's Sylvain's fiance. Felix - all of the others - have frankly endured far worse losses than Claude ever has. And Claude can't even hold it together when his boyfriend goes to sleep for a week or so? Felix is the one who should have to take care of him when Felix's fiance is unconscious?
It's selfish. It's pathetic. And if anyone would think that, would be made angry by it...it'd be Felix. (And, the back of Claude's mind whispers, literally any Almyran. This should be nothing for him, and he's falling apart.)
"I can't," he says, the refusal spilling out of him without even the time to figure out how to pretty it up. But maybe there is no way to pretty it up. What excuse could he come up with that'd be good enough? That wouldn't make Felix just as angry as a flat rejection?