vrdantwind | IC Inbox

[Well, we're not entirely sure if Steven really realizes that Grant's a werewolf and not just a very attractive bear.]

... ah hell. I think you're *right*. I really do. Especially since... well, the whole thing with Tyler happened. And I know Tyler's been uniquely traumatized in his own way and not everyone will react so badly to change... but even if I know that consciously, I think my subconscious mind is just-- expecting people to react that badly anyway now. And I just need to start actively fighting back against it.

I mean, hell, I used to have the same reaction only in reverse to Shinobu, before I got 'updated.' I knew he knew me in the future and I always felt so awkward with him because I was sure he was expecting my older self, even though he's always tried to treat my past self like a different person than the self I am now. And now he's one of the few people I feel really *knows* me now, because I'm the one he met a year ago in our world.

(It's a funny story, actually, involving him getting talked into stealing my DVDs by my sister's ghost and me threatening him for the attempted break-in, but don't worry, everyone's friends now. Including all the ghosts involved.)

When a few seconds pass with no response, Felix glances back at the Gear only to see the call ended. But he only has a few more seconds to blink at it before the door's opening. He looks up, and in person it's even easier to see how tired Felix is, but he looks relieved to see Claude, too. He's barely conscious of the way he leans into that hand.

You've changed here, haven't you? Felix supposes that letting his guard down could constitute change. Certainly, something has to have changed to allow him to accept Dimitri as he is without feeling like he's going to boil over with conflicting feelings. Or to let Claude as close as he did so quickly. Or...to propose marriage to Sylvain at all.

And Claude is right--Sylvain is and always has been one of his highest priorities, even if he didn't always acknowledge or like it. As for trusting himself to make the same choices...

He nods. "I can. When you put it like that, I...if we can hold onto our first promise through a decade of hell, there's no reason we can't keep it afterward. I may not be very good at faith, but I know I keep my promises."

Felix sighs and shifts to wrap his arms around Claude and rest his head on the other man's shoulder. "...thank you," he mutters quietly.

Claude sits down on the bed beside Felix, pulling him closer. One arm slips around Felix, even as the other hand moves to stroke his hair. "My pleasure," he says softly. "Things will be okay, sunshine. No matter what happens, or where we are. And things are good right now. So let's enjoy what we have, okay?"

"Hmph. Now that's not a promise anyone can keep." But Felix doesn't move away; if anything, he relaxes further against Claude as he closes his eyes. "But...I suppose things are good for now."

He'd like to say that if he did somehow lose them, if he had to go back to living alone in Castle Fraldarius for the foreseeable future, he'd be fine. A bit sad, a bit lonely, but fine.

He'd like to say that, but at this point he's really not sure if it's true, and that's a scary thought.

But he pushes it aside so he can focus on Claude's warm hand in his hair and the steady rhythm of his breathing and the way he smells--he always smells good. It doesn't take too long before Felix starts to doze.

Edited 2021-03-23 10:53 (UTC)

So basically, you're letting your own ideas of how other people perceive you color how you react to them, rather than simply being yourself. Which I can understand, certainly, say, if you're trying to be diplomatic or win someone over, but...acting that way all the time, not just as a conscious decision to try to achieve an end? That sounds exhausting. It also sounds like a really good way to lose your way to knowing who the real you even is, especially if you're wearing different faces for different people.

After facing discrimination back home, I'm guessing you've had plenty of times where you didn't exactly have the luxury of not being concerned with what people thought of you. And then Tyler kind of reinforced that idea for you here, probably, even if you probably don't face that kind of discrimination anymore. I'm betting that's going to be a hard habit to break.

You have no idea.

But yes, actually, that *has* been a life-long problem for me. It was even worse when I was younger, given how badly men who love other men were regarded when I first came of age. Between my ethnic group and my sexuality, I've always had to worry about other people's perceptions.

I thought I was finally growing out of always needing to play to my audience. I really did. And I'm just so damn frustrated that evidently I haven't. Not here.

(I even got a damn Indeedee card on the subject, from Emet. It was kind of a kick in the gut to read, but he wasn't *wrong*.)

I'm fortunate in that sexuality wasn't as much of an issue where I'm from, although I had other things I had to worry about. That said, for most of my life the things that made people perceive me in ways I could have done without...well, they weren't things I could change about myself at all. So I personally never really worried about trying to fit in so much as I worried about doing what I could to impress, or charm, or outright deceive if necessary. Anything to make people more congenial...or at least more malleable.

That said, old habits die hard. Old survival habits die even harder. It's hard to kill something when its sole purpose is staying alive. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it too much.

Anyway, rather than trying to get rid of the habit, have you tried making the habit superfluous? Something that doesn't feel necessary is much easier to set aside. So instead of trying to stop yourself from trying to accommodate your acquaintances' expectations, figure out what it would take for you to become so comfortable around them that you don't feel any concern about how they're looking at you. I mean, I feel like for anyone who you'd be willing to be your real self around, you'd have to trust them, right? (And obviously for those you don't trust, it's fine to keep tailoring the image you want them to have of you.) But I get the feeling that perhaps you don't trust those people enough to be natural around them yet. So maybe you need to figure out what's holding you back there. I'm guessing, for instance, that you don't have this issue with Thace, because if you trust anyone at all, I'm sure it's him.

I don't have this issue with Thace, no. But Thace knows where my bodies are buried. (In a metaphorical sense, I mean, obviously, since any bodies I'd have would be back home and we're from different worlds.) He doesn't have any illusions about the kind of person I am and hasn't since... well, since I went to him for advice when everything started going wrong with Jack and then blew up at him when I thought Thace was treating me like a child or a naif over it all. But obviously I can't go around telling *everyone* these things. The only reason I could *then* was because Thace was already one of my closest friends, he knew a few things already that he hadn't condemned me for, and I was fully prepared to lose him over him knowing everything I'd done at that point. And then, after I came back, I told him the rest of it.

And Shinobu, who is the only other person I trust as much as Thace now, knows exactly who and what I *am* back home. I've explained my position to Thace and I've hinted at it to a few people--I told the less controversial part of it to Carly and gave abbreviated explanations to Hythldaeus and Emet-Selch--but most people? They don't know. Or they know something of *what* I am, like Armin does, but not the position I serve.

Back home? Everyone in my community of survivors knows. They know *what* I am, because none of us are human anymore. And they know what I *do*, because it's an open secret that I do it. And yes, some of them fear me for it, as well they should, but that's the price of serving and protecting my community in that fashion. I don't regret it. I don't regret anything I've done for their safety.

And I'm talking circles around what that *is*, what I *am* and what I *do*, aren't I? Well, that's the whole point. Not being human anymore is the *easiest* part of it to talk about and it's taken me this long to even *mention* it to you. As for the rest?

[And Steven stares at the screen for a long moment before he finally types,]

I'm my monarch's assassin and executioner. I have been for the last three years. It's not something you can just bring *up* with people. Hell, I'm taking a gamble telling you *now*.

[And then he presses send before he can talk himself out of it.]

hey.
steven invited me to watch some kind of ice skating television show with him and thace
and said my boyfriends were welcome too.
do you want to come with me?

I appreciate the show in trust in me, even if I do feel that being in a whole new world that forces humanity on everyone and that isn't affected by any politics or actions we might have been part of back home means that a lot of the details we consider most significant about ourselves have surprisingly little meaning here. You're not the only non-human here by a long shot, which definitely waters down what alarm that idea could inspire in those who are human. You're also not the only one with an ethically questionable background, but unless that carries over into this place, how much practical concern is it for people here?

I'm not trying to undercut the importance of what you've said, mind, even though I suppose in a way that's how it sounds. Rather, I'm trying to say that maybe you don't need to be as worried about sharing these things with people as you are. In a place like this, the threshold for what people are willing to accept, what people have no particular reason to condemn or fear, is a lot higher than it probably is in any of our worlds of origin. The spectrum of people and experiences here is just so vast.

Anyway, I just had the thought if you could let go of some of the anxiety tied up with the secrets you're keeping, perhaps you'd be less worried about being your real self with others. I don't know if I've communicated that very well, though.

But on a personal level, you don't have anything to worry about entrusting me with this information. I'm a pretty secretive guy myself, and I don't let any secrets slip easily - mine or other people's. I've got no reason to condemn you, either. I've used some fairly underhanded tactics of my own on occasion...and while I've never gone so far as to employ assassins, I still have enough political savvy to know that there can be grim necessities. And for all that I'll always prefer diplomacy, I may not even have the luxury of avoiding that sort of thing in the future.

I forget how much I've mentioned to you, but I used to be the duke - and de facto leader of the ruling council - of a country called the Leicester Alliance. I stepped down from that title after reunifying that country with Dimitri's own country. What I definitely haven't mentioned before was that, due to some complicated international tangling of bloodlines, I had to give up being duke of my mother's country so I could return home and become the king of my father's country. (Of course, both countries hate each other. And me, for having a foot in both worlds. Life's never easy, right?)

So, as a king myself, am I supposed to judge you? When I might have to ask someone just like you to get his hands dirty for me someday? If anything, I can only hope I can find someone who's as devoted to serving the greater good by finding the lesser evil as you.

That said...I'm curious that you say assassin and executioner. Do you mean to say you handle deaths both judicial and, shall we say, extrajudicial? I wouldn't expect those roles to both be played by the same person.

Well, I don't suppose they would be in most ordinary communities. Changelings, which is what in fact I am, are different.

I don't know if your world has the Fair Folk in it, but the easiest way to explain is that there's powerful otherworldly entities that live in a realm distinct from but also adjacent to everyday reality and they often kidnap people for their own uncanny purposes--and their realms shape us into creatures that aren't actually human any longer, even as we have magic to fake it in the company of normal humans.

Almost twelve years ago, I was one of the humans they stole away. And almost seven years ago, I escaped with five of my friends, although my five years away broke me in the process. I'm not for the most part broken *now*--but it was slow-going at points.

Changelings can see through the illusions that make us appear as normal to ordinary mortals. It helps us find each other. We have a tendency to form communities of various sizes in the wake of our experiences, called Freeholds. I'm from a large city, with well over a million people living there--even as rare as we Changelings are, that makes for a local Freehold population well into three figures.

I suppose you could consider it a secret sub-population living among the greater population of ordinary mortals? Officially the government of the land that I'm from knows nothing about us. Unofficially... they still very well may know nothing.

Each Freehold divides itself into 'Courts' of like-minded Changelings according to how we cope with our captivity and newfound freedom. The Courts share governance of the Freehold community, either geographically or temporally, depending on which system a Freehold follows, and each Court has a monarch, who best embodies the ideals of the Court. There are various other positions with the Court that people can fill.

The Autumn Court, which I am a part of, traditionally has a position which is poetically called 'the Barrow-Tender' or sometimes the 'ghul.' A Barrow-Tender's job is to protect the Freehold through killing those who threaten it, both inside and outside the community. When those threats come from outside the community, I'm an assassin. When they come from inside the community, I'm an executioner. Since it's not an excessively large community, I don't get deployed very often, but I usually am a few times each year and not always during my Court's season--though it's an Autumn job, our monarchs tend to share us with the other seasonal monarchs.

Freeholds, even in the largest cities, generally don't end up being *too* large themselves. I suppose when you've less than a thousand people, combining both roles into one whose job description is 'killing threats' makes sense. And believe me, Claude, the threats I killed *were* nasty pieces of work, one and all of them. I don't regret a single one.

Still, I'm glad you *do* understand, Claude. If you put this kind of thought into governing your father's country, you'll be a very *good* king, I think. One I can only hope to be as good as, should the Ashen Crown ever pass to me--although if it does, I'll likely have an easier time, with so many fewer subjects.

(And yes, actually, you *did* communicate things well enough and you have a point too.)

Edited (Missing the) 2021-04-23 08:32 (UTC)

Maybe. Don't usually ask for anyone's opinion about my horse's name.

Some kid got it wrong though. Bought one of her eggs and named the colt Ant.

Of course! I like Steven and Thace. And, obviously, you. It won't be as nice as watching you skate, but on the other hand, I can do it indoors. There's pros and cons to everything.

you're right, it won't.
but I have heard that there are skates here with wheels instead of blades.
for skating in warmer weather.
😼

[Oh my god he was a skater boi]

Oh? Do those work the same way? If I'm not freezing constantly, I might be willing to do some of this warm-weather skating with you. Hopefully it's easier to learn...

Edited 2021-04-17 09:19 (UTC)

idk but I plan to find out.
when I do
I want you to at least watch.
but yes
you should try to learn too.
so you can skate with me.

[So after this little conversation, Jaskier tries with a new possible source. However, Claude gets a call instead of text - and there's a voice sounding quite irritated on the other end of the line.]

What the FUCK did you say to him?

[...hi? Sorry about him, he's nervous and assuming the worst.]

[Claude blinks.] Uh, hi to you too...? What did I say to who? Geralt?

That'd be the point. And since I'm sure it's different enough from skating on ice that you'd have to learn, too, I might even be able to keep up with you.

YES! [For someone that is always correcting people's manners, he sure is being very rude right now.] He's behaving rather oddly since he came back from the picnic! And Dimitri said nothing of note happened until he talked to you!

[And now Jaskier's mind is jumping to the worst conclusions.]

[Dimitri, how could you sent him up the river like this??

Well, Claude has some suspicions about this - somewhat promising ones, in fact - but he's in a rather delicate position on multiple fronts here. There are certain things he can't reveal to Jaskier, just as there were certain things Claude had to be sure not to reveal to Geralt. There's well-intentioned meddling, and then there's betrayal, and Claude is pretty well aware of where the line is.

It does make it hard to explain things to Jaskier here, though.]

What kind of odd behavior are we talking about here?

ha.
we'll see.
after that prom thing we'll go to goldenrod and get wheeled skates.
another shopping date I suppose.

Assuming nothing goes horribly wrong, which might be a dangerous assumption given what we've heard of prom. Let's make an effort to not break any legs between then and now, shall we?

[Jaskier huffs as soon as he hears the question - it's the same Dimitri made. Why can't these men trust his judgement of Geralt's character? Why do they insist on asking for FACTS and EVIDENCE? The nerve!]

His brooding shifted! [Ask the same question, get the same answer.] Something is on his mind, eating him alive, and I'm almost scared to ask what it is!

Edited (wrong verb) 2021-04-22 19:54 (UTC)

😾

don't you dare.

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I'm assuming by this point in the conversation the indeedee cards came

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holy shit, i didn't know he'd say this much until he did

[Text] | 4/6

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Audio | Backdated to April 2nd

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